kmartdollie's Journal, 05 November 2012

It's great that you are so determined but just remember not to take it to too much of an extreme :) I've dealt with the same issue only my bipolar has seemed to improve with age. For me, schedules really help. Keeping a routine and sticking to it helps you regain some of that control you feel that you may have lost. Yoga is really good for depression, you should give it a try. Just a suggestion :) Hope you feel better soon.  

Sorry you still feel out of sorts - WHY do you need to tell your supervisors? Is it their business to know? Were you away from work? I would be private with my health issues - but that is just me. 

I feel I have to tell my supervisors. I have been away from work for two weeks now, and I have told them it's due to my diabetes. My medical doctor will not sign off on my FMLA to get leave, and I have to ask my psych med provider APRN to do it for me now. I see her at 2:15pm tomorrow, and will give her the paperwork. I then have to go to the officer and talk to my supervisors. They are going to find out regardless, because they will be able to see the FMLA paperwork. Also, I can't keep maintaining that it is my diabetes. I am just tired of the lying and the fear. I respect my supervisors. Also, we all work for the county mental health provider. Of all working environments, this should be one that can accept this issue with an employee. I realize that may be living in a perfect world, but it's all I have right now. I am just mostly tired of the lying. And I am so miserable at my job - not because of the actual work, but the schedule, that I can't function at work right now. So I am going to have to tell my supervisors the truth, and bring them the documentation. I haven't been totally lying, because when my bipolar gets like this, I have trouble remembering when to take my blood sugar, or counting and logging, and my appetite has been reduced. This all effects my diabetes. But the truth of it is that 10 days ago, during the last shift I worked, I started to have a psychotic break. It was one 16 hour shift too many. It was one third shift too many. Plus the incredible amount of stress that I deal with on a daily basis. I answer a suicide prevention hotline - every 15 minutes, for 8 hours a day, I talk to suicidal and psychotic people. When I'm not doing that, I am driving suicidal and psychotic people to the hospital, or around town to get their meds. I also have had NO life whatsoever for the past 9 years, because I work 2nd shift, 3rd shift, evening and weekends. All of this together has taken a terrible toll on my mind and body. I feel like I could be at a job in my agency that was in the daytime and didn't require me to drive as part of my job. That rules out a hell of a lot of stuff. I don't even want more money at this point. I just want my life back, and I want to be able to make a contribution that is meaningful to the people we serve. So I am going to have to tell my supervisors myself before they see my FMLA paperwork. My supervisor has to sign off on it. So they need to know. And they need to know from me. At this point, I don't care if it blows up in my face. I don't care if they eventually find a way to get rid of me. That's fine. I think better of the individual people I work with to live in fear of that. But if that happens, then so be it. I will get another job. I will have COBRA and unemployment to get me through. And if worse comes to worse, I will have to accept a job with no health insurance and actually become a client of the agency I work for now. But I don't care. Ultimately, ultimately it comes down to the lying. I am tired of the lying. 

Yes - now I understand competely your situation and you are completely right in your decision. Sounds like a difficult job - I admire your strength to do it - I have it easy in some ways with my private practice. I can decide who I want as clients and how many hours I want to work. It also has many negatives - today I had three "no-show" clients which irritates the hell out of me because I waste time and lose money. I bet you could find a day job - you certainly have the education and skills.