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02 March 2011

Weigh-in: 166.0 lb lost so far: 0 lb still to go: 16.0 lb Diet followed N/A
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01 March 2011

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22 January 2009

Day 2 of needing loving.

This morning was bad. I came down and my daughter hadnt cleaned the kitchen or put away the dinner leftovers in the fridge. The garbage around the house hadnt been collected and my son hadnt bothered to put out the garbage.

My living room, which is the first thing one sees when you come down the stairs was a total chaos.

As if that wasnt bad enough, I walk down to drop off my son to school, I hear my two oldest kids fighting and name calling.

I got home from dropping Son Ex broken leg and hubby asks how I am feeling. I told him I was still having the same issues as I had for the past few weeks, primarily the severe constant back pain and constant uterine cramps and he just simply shrugged it off as nothing major.

I started cleaning and got rid of all the garbage and then my hubby came to hug me and I just started bawling. I have to admit I had a go at everyone including him which was not good because I realize now he was trying to be nice..I guess I am not used to that side of him and it didnt click at that moment. That might have been because just moments earlier, he had been whining about how dirty the house had become and why did I let the housekeeper go?

Its like they have no empathy for what I must be going through right now. I dont want sympathy, I need support right now. I need them to see that every food that is cooked for them is done in agony but is combatted by my maternal need to feed my family. That every time I bend to pick up something from the floor my hips start to lock making it difficult to straighten up. Little Bear hasnt had a bath in days now because no one is willing to bathe him.

I told my mom last night and she said..Oh if only you were here in London, we could take care of you. I think that is why I am so emotional right now. I know that my entire family, not just my mom, would roll into action and make sure I rested and tended to MY needs and not the other way around. I am sick but I am still being expected to perform my mother/wife duties without fail.

Today I am going to just lay in bed and sulk away and I just might continue to be on strike until I start seeing some positive actions.

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21 January 2009

Needed some loving so there is only one place I know where I find friends here at fat secret.

For the past few months I have been feeling lousy. Most of my symptoms seem to mimic pregnancy such as nausea, backache, uterine cramps and fatigue. To make things worse, I had to let my housekeeper go recently because she wasn't maintaining a reasonable standard since I hired her six months ago. So my fatigue and pain hasnt allowed me to clean the house so I am desperate for help.

Today I was in the middle of interviewing a housekeeper
when the phone rang. It was my doctor on the line and I knew something was wrong. Doctors use the office staff to pass on trivial messages like "Your tests were negative". So the doctor calling herself meant something had come up on some reports.

I had to have an emergency appointment with my doctor last week because the pain was so unbearable and she ran a bunch of internal exams and ultrasounds etc..

It turns out that I had a ruptured cyst and have another cyst on my cervix. That would explain why I felt like I was dying last week but seem to have improved since then. Coincidentally, my sister law also suffered a ruptured cyst two weeks ago and was rushed to ER. I cant believe that I managed to endure such pain.

So I have to go in Feb for a D&C to clean out my uterus and have another ultrasound to see if I still have pelvic fluid in another couple of weeks.

The only thing I could think of when she told me was redemption and relief. Redemption because my hubby and bratty 12 year old daughter have both accused me of being a hypochondriac. (I have so many ailments that I am like a walking medical encyclopedia of conditions. But all my conditions have been diagnosed by doctors, not something I am conjuring up for attention or something.)

I felt relief because finally I know what the problem is. I kept asking the woman doing the ultrasound.."Do you see you see something?" and she said.."Do you want something to be there??" I replied..."Well yes and no. I would rather that I had no problems but if you dont find means I will still be undiagnosed and that isnt good either."

The possible diagnosis for endometriosis is still on the table because cysts, uterine cramps, back pain, irregular periods are all symptoms of it but they are not going to do anything until other symptoms are ruled out.

I am able to move around but cant stand for longer than 15-20 mins without my back pain getting unbearable. In fact, as long as I am sitting down, my pain is bearable due to the painkillers and muscle relaxants I am on, but sitting down all day is getting annoying as well and my muscles are getting weaker, making things harder and harder to do. My house is a complete mess and now I am searching for someone to help me out with the house because the kids and hubby are not helping at all.

Sorry..I just felt I needed to share this with someone. I have no family in America and I just feel like I needed to talk about this because right now the only person showing any support is my teenager son. I am not going into a state of depression or anything..just felt a bit down about my family's lack of physical and emotional support in my time of need. that off my back to smiling again...because its not the end of the world...knowing the problem is half way to a solution so at least my doctor will have a better idea of how to help me out now.
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29 December 2008

Initially started off this journal by saying that its been so long that I dont remember what I wrote in the previous journal. Then I realized that the 'I just cant be bothered' bug was still infesting my brain.

Yes, that is the height of laziness when you cant be bothered to read your previous journal anymore (I DID read it and it was written way back in the beginning of November). The laziness bug that seems to prevent me from even going onto the fat secret website even the I am literally glued to the computer all day long. The laziness bug that makes me wish the days would just go faster because I seem so stuck in groundhog day.

ANYWAYSSSSSS- I didnt come here to mope. I came here because I keep thinking about all you guys. Why? Let me start at the beginning.

I joined a group via This group was just bunch of women who really havent seen much of the world (this was made obvious by the fact that they constantly stared at me like I was some alien on display! I guess they had never seen a Pakistani before!) so conversation was extremely limited.

I then joined a second mother toddler group and this one is a little better. I made some acquaintances but the snow had impeded my ability to really get out too much.

But every time I am on their forum or talk to them, I miss all of you so much. I can honestly say that every time I have had a question or issue, you gave have given really good logical responses. I dont understand why I cant find people like you around here?? Is it the demographics of Flint, Michigan?

I feel like a cheater coming back here for the support even though I am not trying to lose weight (though I need to badly!)but I really miss having a support system and a place to vent and most of all, a whole bunch of grounded advice to count on. I know I said it before, but I will say it again...I am going to try to be more regular look out for issues and problems to resolve in the very near future..and boy oh boy do I have a lot of them!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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