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Debobonn's Journal

 
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04 January 2014

Today I got up about 10:00. It felt good to sleep in for a while. I am trying to learn to relax and not to feel pressure when I take time out of my day to cook. I have to cook. I'm trying hard to work it into my daily routine. This is really hard for me. I always thought that I was fat because I had really bad self control, but I am becoming more and more conscious of the fact that I don't cook meals regularly. Haven't for most of my adult life. That's 40 years of eating whatever, whenever I wanted and not cooking, because I hate to clean up and at this point it is because I am too damn fat and I get so tired to easily. My back hurts, my feet hurt and I get really tired just cooking and cleaning up after myself when I have cooked. I think about cooking a dinner for example and I think, my god, I don't want to pull out the pans, clean all the plates and stand there cutting and preparing it.
I truly beleive it's not the cravings that are a dieter's downfall, it is not preparing for the cravings. Not cooking, not having things ready to eat. Diet plans need to focus on this because everyone talks about what you have to eat, how to exercise, monitoring your intake etc., when the bulk of the work goes into preparing meals and cleaning up.
I would think that someone who cooked regularly for themselves and didn't eat fast food or order pizzas or order other food out would be in a much better position to suceed. They would have to learn how to stock the frig, work out new recipes etc, but they would already be used to cooking day in and day out. This was and has always been my downfall. Keeping foods ready to eat. Cooking meals every night. Cleaning up after them. It seems like such a monotonous, tedious, repetitive never ending cycle and I get very irritated and depressed doing it. Although, the tapping has helped me look forward to it and just clean up without getting into some really resentful state where I veiw my life as nothing but drudgery. I mean when I am cooking and cleaning up, I get really depressed and it feels like I don't have a life. I feel like a slave and I am always asking myself is this all there is to life, cooking and cleaning? Who needs it? This is the resistance for me and this is the downfall. I can't beleive that I really didn't see how controlling my attitude about cooking and cleaning has been in working against me being able to eat healthy.
I've bitched about it forever, but it seems like it has just come to light for me that this is something that I have to embrace and learn how to manage and get through without all the mental angst! More tapping should help. I am also consiously aware that this was an attitude of mom's. She was never happy about cooking or cleaning and always acted like it was a cross to bear, not something fun and exciting.
I have to change this. I am changing it actually. It also dawned on me how arrogant I am in my relationship with Eduardo. We have gone around and around about cooking. And my attitude has always been to dismiss his complaints about the erratic nature of my non-cooking and eating out and ordering food in. He doesn't like it. It drives him crazy and he has never shut up about it. In 11 years, this is always our sore spot. And I have veiwed him as a sexist jerk and dismissed it. And the more he bitched the more I became resentful every time I cooked. He could cook, but he really doesn't know how to do it very well. I mean he cooks really good stuff when he does cook. it tastes really good. But he just doesn't have a very wide variety. Eggs (kind of)well.. I don't need to lis what he makes, but it's just a handful of things.
And when I reread my last post about him not being addicated to sugar and fast foods, it kind of hit me like a brick wall. I'm the one with the screwed up food habits, not him. That's what I mean about being arrogant. I have blamed him for being a sexist pig and have been so resistant to giving in to his complaint becaue he was being sexist, that I didn't even see how crazy my own behaviors were.
Well for tonight, I'm signing out.

02 January 2014

OK....I am not so enthused about changing my life, but I almost think it is better this way. Instead of starting out on a high about a new life, new eating, new diet etc, I am just kind of starting to get to it. It involves routines, and I have never managed that well. I'm doing tapping to try to reframe the issue of cooking and doing dishes in my mind. It's helping a little.
Physically, I am feeling tired still. But that's one of the biggest reasons that I started to change my nutritional diet back to Atkins. It is so much healthier. I am not doubting whether or not Atkins is right or not anymore, It is. It seems to be easier to me to doubt whether it is really normal to eat Atkins style or not. I don't know if it is or isn't normal, but I know that it is the healthiest diet that I have ever tried. Carbs fuck with me. I don't like that reality so I guess its easier when I am trying to avoid that, to start criticizing how "severe" atkins is, when in reality it isn't. The other way that I was eating was severe! It's not good or normal to always eat fast food, to not cook meals, to buy precooked meals. My food is better anyway that anything taht I can buy in a fast food joint or already prepared from the grocery store.

I also stood back a little and tried to not be so defensive about cooking with Eduardo. He's really got it right. It is nuts to eat out all the time. I don't blame him. He's not addicted to carbs and sugar etc, so to expect that he would not be bothered by eating that way all the time and not having regular meals each day is a bit unrealistic. So I decided to take his craziness about having cooked meals as an added incentive to reasons why cooking meals is a good thing and something that I want to do for myself and for him.

For now, I am finding that I have a little more energy, but my poor beaten down body gets tired quickly. I am resting more in the afternoon. I have to get up early in the morning in order to get a good days work in too, because by 2 p.m. I am pretty wiped out and I need t rest. For now, that is what I have to do. I hope that it will change as I get healthier and weight less so that my little frame doesn't have to keep working so hard just to walk and carry all this extra weight.

For now, this is good night from one exhausted and tired lady.

31 December 2013

08 July 2013

Well, back at it again. I Did not think that I could do this anymore, but I am going to keep trying until hopefully one of these times I will stick with it.

I started back on Atkins on Friday I beleive. Maybe Saturday...don't recall. It's not too hard right now because my stomach is killing me because I was eating sooooo much white flour stuff, bagels, bread, rice with chinese food...Chinese doesn't set well with me.

AS much as I would like to beleive that I can, after a good time, have a little pizza or cake etc, I don't think it is a good idea for me. That's how I started slowly getting away from ATkins. In December of 2011, I ate pizza with Jairus and Whitnie and then I would get back on track for a few weeks, deviate again, get back on and eventually I was full bore into Carbs. Well....here I go again.

30 September 2012

Weigh-in: 309.0 lb lost so far: 0 lb still to go: 179.0 lb Diet followed poorly
   add comment gaining 0.3 lb a week

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