Snowwhite100's Journal, 03 July 2019

http://peaceloveandgrief.com/?tag=widow-statistics

Did you know… 800,000 people are widowed each year?
Did you know… 700,000 of those are women?
Did you know… most widows live in poverty? (Over 115 million world wide)
Did you know… for the past thirty or more years the rate of poverty among elderly widows is consistently three to four times higher than elderly married women.
Did you know… “death of a spouse” is listed as the #1 stressor on the stress index scale and is considered one of life’s most devastating events?
Did you know… 60% of those who lose a spouse or significant other will experience a serious illness within 12 months?
Did you know… insomnia is one of the most common symptoms for a grieving spouse?
Did you know… if a man survives his 50s, he will likely live to “old age?”
Did you know… The average age of widowhood is 55, and 75 percent of women will be widowed by age 56?
Did you know… most widow(er)s lose 75% of their support base when their spouse dies?
Did you know… after 3 – 4 months most of the remaining support fades for a widow(er)?
Did you know… most widow(er)s lose touch with their in-laws within a year of a loss?
Did you know… scamming and manipulation are common practice toward the widowed?
Did you know… it really is possible to die of a broken heart? Widow(er)s have a 30% elevated risk of death in the first 6 months after their spouses died.
Did you know… almost half the women over 65 years of age in the US are widows and about 7:10 of these women live alone?
Those are the statistics, but let’s talk about the real world… Oh wait, that is the real world.
These are not pretty numbers… They do not reflect what Hollywood tells us. Instead, they tell us the truth… They tell us the reality of many of your loved ones’ lives.
Do you know someone who is widowed? More than likely, they spend most of their time alone. More than likely, they fall into many of these statistics. It is also more than likely they will not tell you. I know because I fall into many of these numbers just as so many other widows I have met on this journey. While “every” statistic is not true for “every” person, you might be surprised to know what “is” true. To give you an idea, I will share “my statistics.”
When I read these numbers, immediately I know I am blessed. I have a wonderful job with retirement plans for the not-to-distant future. While I do not live in poverty, many of the women in my initial support group were unable to support themselves and were losing their homes. Several were looking for room-mates… someone to share expenses, or a room to rent in someone else’s home. They couldn’t make it alone financially, but their families were not able (or willing, in some cases) to help either.
I have not been seriously ill since Bruce died. We were both into health and fitness, and I have continued that practice to this day. I learned a long time ago that exercise produces endorphins (a natural, self-produced, “feel good” chemical)… and goodness knows, I can definitely use that!
I have had sleep issues since Bruce passed. For the first year or so, I would wake up most nights at the exact same time I was awakened the night he died. (Trauma related, I suppose.) Now, that only happens a few times a month. Most nights, while I go to bed in time to get 8 – 9 hours of sleep, I usually wake up every couple of hours and remain awake for 30 minutes to an hour each time. If I can manage 4 – 5 hours total, it is a good night.
Bruce was only 52 when he passed away, and I was 51… I believe that covers those two statistics…
I did lose MOST of what I thought would be my support base. However, I gained many new friends who have been by my side day in and day out. They have become my “trusted few,” and I am forever in their debt.
As for my in-laws, they are wonderful. I was terrified of losing touch with them (and told them so) after Bruce’s memorial. However, after 3 years, they are still as close to me as ever, and I love them so very much.
Since Bruce died, I have definitely encountered my fair share of scammers and manipulation. It is amazing how many people are quick to take advantage of someone in a vulnerable state. Some of it has come from phone calls or sales pitches. (Those were easy to recognize.) Other situations have come from people I thought were my friends or acquaintances who I thought genuinely cared. These are harder to recognize. However, I have gotten better at it… or maybe I have just learned to be a lot more cautious. I used to trust anyone until they proved (several times) they shouldn’t be trusted. Now I hold back on the trust until I am sure of their intentions.
I have not died of a broken heart (obviously), although I certainly thought I would the first year. My blood pressure is slightly higher than before (although still very normal). Now, (years later), good health through natural healing is my goal.
I live alone and spend most holidays alone. However, I consider myself blessed. Even though we are a scattered family, my kids make sure I am “covered” for the “big ones,”… and I am learning new ways to celebrate the others. What never ceases to stun me into silence, though, are the people who say they are jealous of my solitude… Inside, I shake my head… They have no idea! I always want to tell them there is a difference is “choosing” solitude and being thrown into it unexpectedly.
As for me, I really “am” adjusting… slowly. In other words, each day I am learning to to be a little more okay by finding the blessings in my circumstances.
But what about your neighbor, friend or family member? Do you see them or their situation in those numbers? Is there anything you can do to make a difference? Are you willing to do that?
Please… don’t be afraid to reach out and make a difference…
Do you want to share your story or your thoughts? Please do… This is “our” community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*
This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

That was not “me”, but the website I listed at the top, which also has many blogs. I'm upset. I feel so guilty that I over react in hurt when my husband gets mad at me and yells at me. I do not take frustration well lately, am not getting enough sleep, and get upset beyond what is logical or appropriate. I tell myself my reactions aren't warranted, but here I am, me, and I'm stuck with the way I feel. Previously, several people here on FS have responded to my complaining with such cool, collected comments, they amaze me with their maturity, and sensible attitudes. I'm not mature, at least in my mind and emotions, and that makes me ashamed. I'm 77 years old, and have wanted to “change” and be different all my life, and never been able to accomplish that feat sufficiently. There is nothing to indicate I could accomplish it now. I have no other place to air my feelings or frustrations. I have wanted to remain anonymous, so haven't put up any pictures, for the sake of my daughter. But I've told so much about myself that anyone that knows me would recognize me from the descriptions of my life and family. I've concluded she is the only one that matters any more. I have said a couple of negative things how she has hurt my feelings, but wouldn't that be true of anyone, especially since I am overly sensitive? And what she said is mostly right. She said my house is “horrendous”. Mostly she is right. Since my house is still a mess from the 1994 Northridge earthquake (not my fault) I have, in my depression accumulated way too many clothes (my fault), even hoarding of clothing from size 2 to 12, which I regularly went up and down in weight, and could wear. My husband told me a long time ago, I was not allowed to have $5.00 a week to spend as I wanted. Also as another example, when my widowed mother died, I received about $20,000.00. My husband put into a bank account that only he signed on, not with my name also, so I would not have access to it. Now that I have some financial autonomy I have gone way overboard the last 10 or 15 years at the thrift store, plus hand me downs from my shopaholic sister-in-law. She has given me, up to 75 tops in one year. I remake them for me, as my outlet, hobby, and “cushion” against the future. I had a clothing business, and when I dissolved it, I kept those things that I might wear in the future. Once up a time I went without a coat or warm jacket for about 10 years, and still remember being so cold. Now I may have dozens. It seems it's a “knee-jerk” reactions to going without for so long, and being so severely controlled. You can say what you want in criticism, I'm just being frank. You may have some things you don't like about yourself, like your weight or anything else. We all come with our own baggage. Before I consider your criticism of me as valid, I might consider sharing some of my mental and emotional “disabilities”. But I don't look forward to stripping bare (naked) my mental and emotional deficiencies. Some here on FS won't share their weight or what they are eating or doing, so I am not alone in that. I recently gave away 18 long “boyfriend” jackets because I've lost 3” in height, and at 5'1” look like I am standing in a hole.

My husband probably couldn't find me here without pictures: English is a second language (from Italy), and his memory problems have become marked enough that it's hard for him to concentrate long enough to read very much. Since he is already angry at me much of the time, it wouldn't change much. He wouldn't be interested in my ruminating over my precious little “feelings”. He used to say he didn't care how I felt, or that “anything” he would do or say, wouldn't affect how I feel. Oh, how wrong he was. It's true, I married with previous emotional baggage from childhood, but anyone would agree he can be downright mean. Because I am upset right now with him yelling and mad at me, I started writing about it, to air my feelings and how unfair it is. As I explain my situation, then I describe my life. But then I have to explain at least a little of who we are, and why I am still in this situation. Some on FS have said : “leave him,” not knowing my age, bad back, and his growing disability. Should I give up my home, and his pension? His van burned up moving our daughter to Arizona, so we are down to one car. Insurance on just one car is $1,900.00 a year. I thought his doctor was going to facilitate his losing his license, so I dragged my feet about replacing his van, even though we both miss it. With no license, he would have no insurance. Others, have said I am strong. Well, I am “stubborn”, and committed to him, and want to finish this journey as best as I can, albeit poorly.

On July 22, I will have been married for 58 years, and am committed to staying with him, for better or worse. If I was ever going to leave, it should have been years ago, not now with his memory loss and some disability, where it is getting hard for him to drive, and would he even be able to get his medicine? If I die, he would be in a pickle, at least. Our daughter, (who has stage 4 cancer) sold her home here, to live on the money from the sale and moved to Arizona, where their vacation home is. How fortunate that she had a lovely 2nd home to move to, many friends and a support system already in place there. I understand and totally accept her moving away.

She said if something happened to me, she couldn't leave him here, “with a car”. We all believe that if he loses his license (or car) he will drive anyway. He is absolutely not controllable by anyone. She feels she would need to sell our home and move him to a small apartment near her. He says he will absolutely not go to Arizona where it is so hot. I wouldn't either. Of course I realize it would only take a little more disability for him to be unable to manage on his own, “if” in fact, he is able to do it now. Personally I could, if my back wasn't acting up. With him: her not being here to find someone to manage the things that he couldn't, would be hard for them both. We have no friends or relatives to turn to. She isn't the “type” to allow either one of us to live with her. We live frugally so are financially independent, but a retirement home would take everything in short order. Maybe in Arizona, money would go further than in California. Oh, I know. When our money is gone, the government would put either of us in a shared room in a cheap assisted living situation. I tell her, if I am alone, just leave me to knock around in my home, regardless of danger. I am fiercely independent, that's why I am dieting and fasting to preserve my mind. I need it (and had a scare last fall).

You wonder why I say all this? Because it is on my mind continually the last 6 years. My husband is 83, with lots of health problems: heart failure, kidney disease, M-Gus, emphysema, COPD, almost complete blockage of the arteries to his legs, has had 2 AAA's (abdominal aortic aneurysms) repaired, loss of one eye from a stroke to the eye, high blood pressure, prediabetic, and memory loss. He has a pace maker, is on blood thinners and has had many tiny blood bleeds in his brain (not to the extent of TIA's apparently). If he has a car accident, likely he would bleed to death from the blood thinners. I try not to live in fear, in fact I think my fear is a sin. But I am human, and have no social life (or support system) now other than him. My upset led me to “air”. But as it evolved to who and what we are, where we are going rose up in my mind, and I became more analytical.

I am so grateful for my blessings. We have lived a long time past the averages listed on this website. I have a home that is paid for, and I would have most of my husbands retirement. Even though he has been retired for more than 20 years and inflation is getting us and with no investments it is shrinking, from the statistics I am more fortunate than most. As long as my back and brain hold out, and I have no major disasters, I can live frugally. Too bad I am so co-dependent and emotionally dependent, those are my biggest downfalls. Just think of all the women over 50 on FS. A certain percentage will lose their husbands and much more. Yes, I will spend today counting my blessings, and thanking the Lord. I need to spend my time getting closer to Him, which is the only thing that will help me. Please don't ask me to be different. I'm not asking those bingeing* on food to be different. I suppose they can't help what they are doing today, and neither can I. I find it sad that they are hurting themselves. So am I. They want to be better tomorrow, and so do I. I don't know how to support people bingeing. I don't know what would support me. Just listen and care, I suppose.

* Bingeing vs. Binging: Which Spelling Is Correct? To binge means to overindulge, usually for a brief period. Both binging and bingeing are acceptable, according to dictionaries. However, around 1980, retaining the E became distinctly more popular than dropping it, according to Google Ngram Viewer.

106.4 lb Lost so far: 12.4 lb.    Still to go: 0 lb.    Diet followed poorly.

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1141 kcal

Fat: 72.10g | Prot: 66.31g | Carb: 35.33g.   Breakfast: Coffee. Lunch: Orange, Trader Joe's Wild Smoked King Salmon. Dinner: Lunetta Prosecco, Simply Enjoy Grilled Zucchini, Kirkland Signature Extra Virgin Olive Oil, Ketchup, Trader Joe's Grass Fed Angus Beef 85% Lean, Cucumber (Peeled), Cherry Tomatoes, Trader Joe's Balsamic Vinaigrette, Extra Virgin Olive Oil, Trader Joe's Organic Baby Lettuce Mix, Land O'Lakes American Cheese. more...