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My husband is throwing more of my things away in the trash today. I am discouraged and upset. It's a good thing the Lord holds onto me. Now I need to work on and pray to be able to forgive him. But I can see it will continue tomorrow. I did call one gal to pray for me. She says everything I own is actually the Lord's, not mine. So now I guess I feel guilty for being upset. I was so good to my husband this morning, I thought he might reciprocate with some kindness. She said my attitude was totally wrong and in my heart I was resentful that I was even "nice" to him. Am I that bad? If I was really resentful, wouldn't I wish I wasn't good to him? But I don't regret it.
My bad feeling are #1 losing my possessions. #2 having this tension between us, #3 feeling guilty for wanting my will to keep my possessions, instead of truly easily giving them to the Lord. My friend (legalistic) thinks it shouldn't matter at all. My husband is the head of the house, and if he wants to throw stuff away, I shouldn't care one whit, since they aren't really mine anyway. She's a much better Christian than I am. I am too human, too carnal, too materialistic, too sinful. Pat Robertson said on the 700 Club today, if we are really Christians we won't continue sinning. If I keep thinking about this, I get more and more upset. Will the Lord turn His back on me if I continue to sin in my attitude. I can't even think how to change. Pray for me. I know if our house burns down we have to accept it. My house was nearly destroyed by the Northridge earthquake, in other words it had more damage than it was worth. The only labor we paid for was a day laborer to help take the stucco off. Everything else that was done, we did. Oh yes, we did pay someone to pull the popcorn ceilings down, but not to repair them. I'm still living in a mess. My husband won't let me hire anyone to work on it. He was in construction, and you know the shoe makers children go without shoes. The earthquake was in 1994, we settled badly in 1998. The walls in our little TV room are still all cracked. I still have a lot of damage. The rest of the house has a base coat of paint but the mouldings never went back up. Floors in the kitchen and dining room are buckled. I have no working oven. Two burners on my stovetop almost work. The large one won't work on low, the small one turns itself off if the pan is too large. My extra bedroom still has a lot of boxes. I'm not telling you what my faults are, but I will. But I want to take the time to defend myself. If I say too much I may get so upset and shamed, I may disappear from here, from you. Fasted 20 hours.
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115.1 lb
Lost so far: 3.7 lb.
Still to go: 2.1 lb.
Diet followed reasonably well.
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Diet Calendar Entry for 10 January 2019:
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791 kcal
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Fat: 57.11g | Prot: 40.71g | Carb: 29.91g.
Breakfast: Coffee. Lunch: Ham Steak (Boneless, Extra Lean, Cured). Dinner: Cherry Tomatoes, Calavo Avocado, Poultry Gravy, Trader Joe's Grass Fed Angus Beef 85% Lean, Trader Joe's Balsamic Vinaigrette, Kirkland Signature Extra Virgin Olive Oil, Trader Joe's Organic Baby Spinach. more...
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losing 4.9 lb a week
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 Comments
SnowWhite, after reading THIS Journal entry, I went back and read many days of other posts. Are you familiar with the "Serenity Prayer?" It says, "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference." It seems apparent that you can NOT change your husband. The first thing you NEED to change (and CAN change) is your image of yourself. You say many self-deprecating things in your posts - you're not smart enough, you're ashamed, too human, too carnal, too materialistic, too sinful... This is NOT the view GOD has of you! As the Christian that you are, you are His child, heir to His throne, you have a mansion being built for you in Heaven, your Father owns the cattle on a thousand hills, you are LOVED, forgiven, a Victor in Christ, able to do ALL things through Christ who strengthens you, all things work together for your GOOD, you have access to PEACE that passes all understanding. You need to start seeing yourself as GOD sees you, sister.
My husband is a Pastor, and I read him a couple of the posts to see what his opinion was on how you should handle things. He recommends that you see a Christian counselor for wisdom in handling the situation with your husband. Some churches' pastors will counsel folks for free. We USED to be of the camp that would tell you, that God intended us to have ONE marriage, to ONE person, for ONE lifetime. Through the years, though, we've seen situations where women have been physically, mentally or emotionally abused (or any combination of the three). In cases where imminent harm is a possibility, we think it is wise to seek a safe shelter.
I hope this helps. Love in Christ, Debbie Cousins
11 Jan 19 by member: Debbie Cousins
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Debbie Cousins
Thank you for your kind words,and thank you for responding to me. It means a lot to me, and I don't feel so alone. Of course I can't change my husband, I was speaking of changing myself, and have spent a lifetime trying to change. He tells me awful things about myself and yes, that is emotional abuse, but as I hear it often, it's hard to not have it make an impact. My abuse from childhood contributes to emotional instability. That sounds awful for an old person, to have not risen above it, and is why I describe myself as emotionally immature. I don't really believe in my mind that he will harm me physically, unless his memory problems get worse, but my emotions are affected somewhat when he threatens. Once upon a time he strongly held my hand over the stove top burner and threatened to turn it on if I did not listen to him, meaning if I didn't agree with him. I did leave him 3 times in one year when my children were 4 and 2; he promised to change, but didn't. As time went on, I was too weak, too chicken to leave, and support my two children with my physical and mental problems, plus as a Christian felt it was the wrong thing to do. We have been married 57 years, I love him and know he loves me, but believe he has never accepted me, but wants me to think like he does. I haven't figured out yet how to change my thinking. My thinking has always been my problem. I just needed to be stronger and get closer to the Lord. Of course I want his salvation, the alternative is unthinkable, but can't make his decisions for him. Not that this needs to be said, but I want to nice and kind to him always, even though I am imperfect. As a matter of fact I have tried to bend over backwards to “make up” for my faults. I was referring in this post to our wifely favors of which he has been very demanding in our relationship. Nuf said. It's a good idea to seek Christian counseling from a pastor. I will continue resisting Satan, and try to..... Try...... to be different.
11 Jan 19 by member: Snowwhite100
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