ijustwanttofeelgood's Journal, 22 March 2018

Ok I was having a think, and I feel this is probably the only platform I can air it on that will understand my pain because we are all together in a little row boat:)

Last night I went to dinner at my mother in laws and we were looking at some old photos and I saw a photo of myself 2 years ago and I marveled in my mind at how skinny I was and I was wondering what I was doing differently then than I am now... midway through this thought process my mother in law pipes up. "damn you were a hell of a lot thinner then than you are now clearly you were more dedicated"
And it stung, like seriously stung because I am working hard now obviously I can't go back to the way I was overnight, and yes I obviously "let myself go" along the way and I started to find myself slipping into a very self destructive thought pattern.

Then I literally had to reel myself in from the ledge I was standing on the edge of and make a pro and con list to ascertain if the grass was truly greener on the other side and what I wanted to take from it.

Number #1 Eating
Then: At that stage I was under eating and I remember feeling weak and light headed most days always chasing the number on the scale i can begin to tell you all the celebratory events i missed out on, I felt beige that is the only way to describe it.
Now: I eat for energy,I never miss out on anything because I love food but I do try to moderate myself though I am still finding my footing so I can not say I am 100% perfect as of yet.

Number #2 Exercise

Then: I exercised it consisted only of running but extremely sporadically because my energy levels were not the greatest. in terms of distance I could not do more than a 5km comfortably and then I was capped.

Now: I have introduced crossfit into my life with the increased intensity it required increased energy levels,so the minimalistic diet went out the window but I am stronger than I have ever been before I can attempt things I never thought possible and i have increased my running distance from a 5km to a 16km.

Number #3 What do I want to take from both sides of my equation?


What I am came to realize upon my musings is that 2 years ago I dedicated all my energy into food sometimes destructively so and now I focus mainly on dedicating it to exercise and fitness.

What I need to do is learn to cohesively focus on both areas to form the perfect formula and I know it is easier said than done.
But I need to stop making excuses, for some reason there is this prefix in my mind that if I exercise like a demon I can slip up on my eating because I have earned it and somehow it all equals out.

but I don't know if I think that is necessarily true everything needs to have a weird sort of balance and I am not the most balanced person I tend to have a very one directional focus and than needs to change.

so yes I was stung but at the same time the wound made me think and face myself and I would rather take the positive out of it because that is the only way to make diamonds out of charcoal.

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1327 kcal

Fat: 59.75g | Prot: 74.67g | Carb: 113.04g.   Breakfast: Jungle Oatso Easy Original. Lunch: Margarine (Regular), Pot O' Gold Sweet & Sour Gherkins, Whole Wheat Dinner Rolls, Lettuce, Chicken Breast Meat, Crosse & Blackwell Tangy Mayonnaise. Dinner: Woolworths Cottage Pie. Snacks/Other: Clover Long Life Full Cream Milk, Coffee, Clover Long Life Full Cream Milk, Coffee, Tea with Milk, Tea with Milk, Coffee, Clover Long Life Full Cream Milk. more...

2565 kcal

Activities & Exercise: Cooking - 1 hour, Desk Work - 8 hours and 30 minutes, Driving - 1 hour, Resting - 5 hours and 30 minutes, Sleeping - 8 hours. more...