madaboutmoose's Journal, 13 February 2010

***WARNING*** Very long journal entry and not terribly uplifting ... avoid if necessary!!!

I am still breathing!! Thursday night was difficult for me. Yesterday, Friday, was quite busy. Drove my mother to the airport (2 1/2 hours from home), then met my hubby at the cancer center. We went to breakfast together (not healthy ... chicken fried steak, hash browns, fried eggs and toast).

Then we went to the hospital to visit with his dad. It was sort of a shock in many ways for me. Even though I have seen him recently he looked very frail and not well. He's losing a bit of his ability to remember things which is also concerning. For now his heart is stable. They have him on dopamine which stabilizes his heart. There is a lot of fluid in and/or around his right lung and one lymph node is enlarged. Uncertain at this point what that means. They suspect not just one bad valve but probably two and a blocked artery. He thought he had been in the hospital for 10 days without a shower when he has only been there 3 days as of yesterday. He still has his sense of humor but I could feel the sadness beneath his facade.

Today they will do an angiogram (not an angioplasty which my husband had told me) to get a better look at his heart. They may also attempt to drain the fluid while they have him sedated. He still needs a consult with a pulmonary doctor about his lung status before they can even begin to think about whether or not he is a candidate for surgery. He weighs a mere 137 lbs and looks like he is nothing but skin and bones.

His "wife" is doing okay. Bob will take her to see him tomorrow. I don't know if I will go or not. I do not really want to but at the same time I think it would be good for my husband if I was along. He says not to worry about it but of course, I do. Today we are taking a total break from the hospital, both of us. Bob recognized how worn out he was and decided this on his own. We went to bed last night about 8:30 and didn't get out of bed until 8:30 this morning. I do feel better in terms of rest this morning. Of course, I feel like half the day is gone already but I keep reminding myself that I need to take it easy. I bought her some groceries yesterday. I politely inquired about how she was doing. I even hugged her before I left. My FIL loves her. I don't know why but he does. My only choice is to refuse to see her which in actuality makes it more difficult for my own husband. I will continue to do what needs to be done because I love my husband and I love my FIL.

I have not eaten well the past couple of days. No major junk food (other than the chicken fried steak breakfast yesterday) but still not what I typically eat. And, no surprise, the scale is up. I am tracking it but not recording it here for now. I am fully aware that I am eating as a way to "comfort" myself. I drank 3 beers last night. I ate a hummus and an entire bag of pita chips. I even bought a single piece of bakery cake and finished it off (okay, that's another junk food item). It was unbelievably delicious and I enjoyed every moist bite. I do not feel guilty about any of it. I am fully aware of what I have been doing. It does not mean anything really ... I will not do this everyday and it is not my only way to cope. It would be easy to make it my primary coping mechanism though ... I have to be honest about that. It is so familiar and other than knowing that if I keep it up regularly ... it feels good.

Today's plan consists of the following ...

1. Stay home
2. Laundry
3. Exercise
4. a more calorie conscious day ... maybe
5. begin tackling my pile of paper on the dining room table IF I feel up to it ... otherwise I shall do that tomorrow.

I'm sort of sad that Bob and I won't be able to do anything "special" for Valentine's Day ... but it is only a "day" ... so I won't let that bother me much. I realize that I really am on "overload" and can feel those emotions swimming about ... I'm more tearful than usual, more easily upset, more easily angered, well ... most of you know exactly what I am describing ... I am spent.

And yet ... I know that I, we, will get through this time. We've been through many difficult circumstances and there will be more in the future. So, I am conscious about the benefit of focusing on one moment at a time, giving myself permission to be less than "optimal" (my own judgment of self ... nobody else requires that of me), and remembering to breath.

The possible death of my FIL is not what is most difficult. None of us gets out of this gig alive. What is difficult is the drama that accompanies it. The BS my husband hears from his uncle. The whinings of an old selfish woman who really cares nothing about others. Hearing that my FIL plans to leave EVERYTHING (I am not referring to things of monetary value) to his "wife" and NOTHING, not one single momento to us. I know that once my FIL dies ... that we will never see those things again. Her family is straight off the Jerry Springer show and they will pillage and garage sale everything that was his. My FIL paints ... he has at least two paintings he did for Bob's mother ... when she was still alive. They mean a lot to us. Bob is talking to him about that ... and maybe he'll change his mind. His idea was to leave everything to his "wife" and then when she dies we will get what was his. I know that will not happen. We'll see. I know they are just "things" but still. They are "things" that bring us joy and good memories. They aren't worth any money but are worth decades of memories of family.

My maternal grandfather remarried after he divorced my grandmother. His 2nd wife was a real winner. My grandfather had set aside a box full of momentos for my mother and her sisters. Things like his poker chips, photos, bowling trophies, nothing of monetary value. My mother and aunts never received them. He trusted his wife to do the "right" thing. She was not capable of doing that.

I have nothing of my paternal grandparents. My grandfather died first. Then my grandmother's healthy began to slowly decline. She did not want to leave southern California and ended up in a nursing home after a series of strokes. Before she became ill ... she gave power of attorney to grand-niece. That niece, after my grandmother became senile, left her in the nursing home, moved to Arkansas and lord only knows what she did with all my grandparents' worldly possessions. All of our family photos are gone. Everything is gone. It makes me sad.

Of course I have my memories ... and I do have an old flannel robe of my grandfather's which it torn and tattered but I'll probably never be able to get rid of it. It just isn't right what people do to each other. I just don't get it. I understand being selfish, I understand really not liking someone, even detesting another human. Why is it that I can "do the right thing" even when I do not want to and so many others don't or won't ... I don't get it.

So ... that is what is upsetting me the most right now. That is what makes me teary eyed and sad. That, and worrying about my husband trying to do too much and the disconnect we feel from each other only because we are both so stressed out.

Now you all know much more than you probably really wanted to know if you have made it this far through this long, verbose, entry. Am I still grateful? Yes. I am. Let me count the ways for today ...

1. my mother made it safely to her sister's home in California and she will have a fun time for the next two weeks and not have to witness in the flesh my stress
2. I slept 12 hours!!!! Boy did that ever feel good.
3. Bob and I are "okay" ... we are so much better at dealing with stress than we were 20 years ago!! LOL!!
4. knowing I can be home all day ...
5. not freaking out (yet) about eating more than typical and an increase on the scale

I hope you all are doing well. Maybe today I'll make it to some journals ... I'm taking it a moment at a time!!!

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1062 kcal

Fat: 18.70g | Prot: 29.32g | Carb: 191.25g.   Breakfast: water, Fiber One. Lunch: banana, 1% Milk, Honey Bunches of Oats with Almonds. Dinner: Perrier, Healthy Choice Lobster Ravioli. Snacks/Other: Eating Right Potato Crisps. more...

2806 kcal

Activities & Exercise: Precor Elliptical - 1 hour and 13 minutes, Resting - 10 hours and 47 minutes, Sleeping - 12 hours. more...