CalorieKiller's Journal, 05 November 2007

I'm sorry to hear of your struggles with your inlaws. I forsee this being an issue for my husband and myself in the future. (Meaning when we have kids.) Though you don't feel you are at the point in your relationship with them to say back off lady, I know asserting your feelings asap would be the best way to deal with it. Otherwise it will continue on, and she won't have any idea that you have an issue with it. Your husband also needs to back you on this, if not take the lead. We have already seen how things are/were for my husband's brother and his wife (who have a 1.5 year old now) and know that being up front will make things much nicer, and you won't have to deal with being angry, or dreading spending time with the inlaws. Good luck. I wish you the best of luck, and I would skip the family trip if you haven't dealt with some of the issues with your sister in law beforehand. Otherwise it will be extremely painful! 

Wow - I was so stunned by this post, I've had to spend the last couple of hours trying to formulate my comment! First of all, it is lovely that your sister-in-law adores your son. It's so important for our little ones to have a wider circle for emotional support. However, there is no way that she should be taking over the comforting from you, let alone getting him out of bed! I couldn't believe that one!! My little one has been going to bed around 7 since he was 10 weeks old, with just a brief interruption for a dreamfeed up until he was around 7 months and no interruptions at all since. I couldn't even comprehend waking him for anyone! That's just unacceptable. However, I can understand that you find it difficult to intervene, especially as the in law. I really think you need to get some more support from your husband in this - she's his sister and he needs to talk to her. He needs to explain that you and both trying to get to grips with this whole parenting thing, and whilst you appreciate her love and support, there are times when she needs to step back. Disturbing his routine is an obvious one to tackle - the rule should be that if she arrives after bedtime, she waits until the morning to see him! She could always get him up and give you a lie-in! Good luck with it - hope you get things sorted out before your family trip, but whatever happens - step away from the cashews!! 

Don't eat the cashews! I hear your pain, but look at the bright side. I have a sister-in-law that doesn't really care at all. In fact, one time she said she wanted nothing to do with us. So...really, it could be worse. I have two children and my mother-in-law thought I talked to "baby-talk" to them and it bugged her! That made me mad. They are my kids and I take good care of them. They are my life. How am I hurting them? Anyway...point is...it is great your sister-in-law loves your baby, but she does need to know that you and her brother are in charge....he needs to make that clear to her. Good Luck...hopefully, things will improve. Let us know. :)  

Well, I cheated...slightly. I ate about 3 oz. of white meat chicken from one of those roasted chickens you buy at the grocery store. My free food lists is veggies only, so technically it was a violation. I did not, however, eat any cashews. But damn they sound good, don't they? I talked to my husband tonighgt at dinner and we decided he'll talk to his sister (and his mom) before we go on our trip and explain that he worries I'm not my normal self around them because I'm too preoccupied with not offending them or hurting their feelings. We want things to be more consistent for our child's sake so he's going to approach it from that angle. I know it will take more than one conversation but I feel better about the plan right now because it is something. Thanks for the thoughtul support and good ideas, guys. 

ok, i'm not reading what everyone else wrote so if this advice is something you've already heard, I apologize. I just HAD to weigh in on this subject. It's a very good one, and very common these days!! I'm floored by your sister-in-law. Is she a teenager or something? I have never heard of someone being so inconsiderate and impolite unless they WERE children! Sometimes you have to step up and do what's right, no matter how much it hurts you. This is YOUR home, YOUR son. Believe me, it might be hard for you to confront this woman, but if you don't get it over with, the problem is only going to fester and grow, and she'll do even MORE before the month's out! I think you need to be direct, but polite. You don't need to be accusatory, by saying "You, you, you", but she has no children, so is oblivious to how disruptive it is to wake your son when already his schedule is sporatic. Draw the line and tell her that there are certain times of the day that you don't want visiters. when she asks why, (take your opportunity)tell her that you cannot allow her or anyone else to continue to disrupt the baby's schedule. And when your son cries, tell her he belongs in YOUR arms, or dad's. Next time she reaches for him to 'take over consoling him', tell her, "Please stop. This is my job and I'm doing fine with it". Just remember, put your foot down or she'll make your life hell until you blow up on her and it gets ugly! My daughter just had a baby boy (he's 5 weeks old) and she does not hesitate in telling people (including her own father), that she does not want but a few key people holding him). How about you write down each inconsiderate thing she does on a piece of paper, give it to your husband and tell him to address these issues assertively or else! You have to give us an update now!! You're going to be on my mind all the time!! hang in there sweety. Again, I apologize if you've heard this already from everyone! it's just hard for us mom's to see your blog and not want to slap someone for you!! :)  

I feel a bit guilty when I re-read my post because I think I painted the picture as if my sister-in-law is ignorant or extremely selfish -- which is definitely not the case. The circumstance where they woke him up was very unusual and because a family member had just arrived in town. AND, my husband probably was really at fault for taknig them up there but I could have put my foot down too. But running to comfort him and trying to grab him (and actually doing it here and there) when he's upset is pretty on target. Mostly, there are many times when I wouldn't be running for him because he's just frustrated and I would normally let him work it out on his own (e.g. he can't reach a toy) but instead she hovers over him like his personal slave. Then, in the days following he acts like he's a little Sultan and I, alone, of course cannot support that level of attention and focus as I have many other things I do as well as care for my son each day. But my sister in law is a truly wonderful person. In fact, one of the best people I've ever met -- which is what makes this so hard! She truly, honestly loves us and our son and sometimes she just gets sooo focused on him that she has tunnel vision and is oblivious about how her actions might hurt me or cause confusion in our baby, who's reaching an age where he's beginning to recognize boundaries, systems, and norms. The problem we have is that we've slowly managed to create "two different worlds" (the abnormal one being when one or more of my in-laws are here). During "Normal" World A, he is well-adjusted, rested, and generally laughs and plays all day. He plays independently very well, and he's calm. In world B (When they are around) he's carried around everywhere, fusses the moment someone leaves his side, and in general cries more for things he wants, and because he's tired because he usually misses a nap. If World B occurred only very infrequently, that wouldn't be a big deal. But it is often enough the circumstance that I feel it will have an impact on my child and definitely confuse him. The problem is how to lovingly handle this when, what it boils down to, is a "step away and let me breathe" message. My husband and I met and got engaged within 6 months. His family (which consists of an ederly, over-involved hispanic mother and 2 sisters) had a complete coniption about it. Then they found out we were going to have a baby about 5 months later, and they still have whiplash. He's very close to them and he struggles because he knows that him living his life has had a very overwhelming affect on them this past couple years. So we've tried to be delicate. When the baby came it made everyone so happy and really brought us all together more (basically, they all finally stopped acting like babies). But as I predicted, I have the opposite problem which is an unreasonable (for me) amount of involvement and ownership. I don't want to wreck the progress we've made, but I do see myself exploding if things don't change. But then I wonder if I'm just "finding" something to be irritable about. When I worked I was stressed and irritable a lot of the time and nowadays it seems I can still find my way back to that state of emotions without trying very hard. Some of my issues with the in laws are centered around my lack of confidence as a mom. I just hope I'm not projecting too much.