HerStrawberri's Journal, 27 October 2011

So today was going to be my day to talk to my dad about his negitivity. have I done it? NOPE. I'm sitting at the school library. I tried to do it before I left, but it's so hard for me to talk to him. I really NEED too though. His negitivity is really bringing me down. Everything with him is about how much food someone eats or how fat someone is. I'm not even sure he is consciously aware he is doing it. Last night I counted 5 times that he made a comment about someone looking fat on TV or how much food my GF eats. It's really starting to drive me crazy. I need a healthy enviornment in my home. I have come too far to fall back on past issues. he always makes me feel so stupid though. Like these issues are MINE and I'm completly mental for feeling the way I feel. I don't know what to do. I also don't want to hurt his feelings. how messed up is THAT!!?!?!?! This man says whatever he wants to whoever he wants and doesn't care who he hurts and I'm worried about hurting his feelings!!!!!. ::face palm::

I'm worried because he IS my father. i was brought up to respect my parents even when not agreeing with them. I respect ALL my elders.

I have to do it though. I'm catching myself falling into old patters with food and I need to stop it now. I'm getting super defensive with people trying to help me and I'm making excuses for my behavior, which is UN-FREAKIN-ACCEPTABLE. There is No excuse for me only eating 800 cals a day. Yeah, maybe some days I have time issues, but am i trying as hard as I should be? I don't know if I am. Am I purposely trying NOT to eat? Maybe I am. I'm so freaking messed up about this its driving me crazy. I'm trying to face my issues head on so i can for once and for all eliminate them from my life. This food issue is serious, though, and it's throwing me for a loop. This will forever hold me back unless I tackle it now.

Except i don't know how to tackle it. =( i talk a good game and give the best advice.....but sometimes I struggle and have a really hard time. This is one of those times. i have put off writing this journal for a while. i thought I could manage it. But I'm not. One of my specialties is hiding how I really feel. good and bad. I'm trying to break that habit.

Journaling has helped me in the past, I have talked about so many things...good and bad.....I have basically put my feelings and emotions on display. It helps me get it out. I'm hoping this helps me too. yesterday my cals were at 1000. Today I'm hoping for at least 1000. No one should have the power to make me feel bad about what I'm eating or how much I'm eating. I'm the only one that has power over me.

right?? =(

Sometimes I feel like such a fraud. Like, that last journal I wrote. yeah, i was happy when that happened...but am I REALLY in that much control of my life? Right now I'm doubting it. I get so many emails from people asking how I lost so much weight and all this stuff. Sometimes i feel like I'm the last person they should be asking. I can't even eat a freaking meal without feeling bad about it.

YEAHHHhhhhh I'm having a pity party today. I know I need to suck it up and move on. and I will. Today is just a bad day. =(

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Comments 
No, I don't think you need to "suck it up". Sometimes it feels better to just let it out. At least this is a healthy way to let it out and without being disrespectful to your father. If we bottle all this pent up fustration in it may come out in anger and yelling. So that is why you are on here for encouragment. Keep it up!  
27 Oct 11 by member: tigerangel
You will figure it out. You know what you have to do, and you know how to eat. You don't need someone to tell you or make you feel bad. I hate when people do that. Even my 5 year old will say I can't have something cuz I'm on a diet, and I look at her and say "I can eat whatever I want" and I do. I know its not the same situation, because for me its a little girl and for you its your father, but its the point that no one can tell you what to do, you are an adult and you can make your own decisions. You need to live healthy forever, and you can't do it by eating only 800 cals a day, and you can't do it when someone makes you feel bad when you eat. That will only lead to hiding your food, and bad habits. Good Luck. I know you will get through this, its just yet another obstacle that you will run through. 
27 Oct 11 by member: serafano
You will do this, but I will tell you it is funny how things turn around and we start being the parent to our parent. I think you just need to tell your Dad that you do love him but he needs to stop doing this for you......tell him how hurt you get when he says these negative things, he has to understand whether he likes it or not, you have to keep yourself safe. You have come a very long way don't let someone else sabotage you.....I think we do that enough to ourselves. You go girl he has to be kind to you.......don't suck it up it is unhealthy....let us know how it goes.....we are on your side...... 
27 Oct 11 by member: Yvonne19
Maybe if you write out what you want to say to your dad, like a journal, before you talk to him, then read it off the page it would be a little easier. Dad's are tough. My dad and I don't speak very often and it's not that we don't get along, we just don't know how to talk to each other or have much to say. You are probably right that he doesn't even notice sometimes that he's saying things that are hurtful, he may just think he's being funny or not even know it's coming out of his mouth. You are his little girl maybe if you tell him how you feel he will take it better than you think. At least you can keep letting your feelings out here and no one will judge you. I really hope you get it figured out, because it will make you feel so much better.  
27 Oct 11 by member: mars2kids
Thanks everyone for your wonderful words and suggestions. I've been sitting here thinking about what i should say or if I should say anything at all. What if I say something and it just makes me feel worse? maybe I should try to just deal with it and not let it affect me so much. I don't know. =( I love my dad. He is sick and I'm taking care of him. I don't know if it's right to be worrying about how I feel when he is sick and I should be focusing on that. blah.  
27 Oct 11 by member: HerStrawberri
I think if you approach your Dad (having had my own communication issues w/ my own dad - and equally feeling the weight of not wanting to come across as disrespectful, but wanting to stand up for myself) - if you approach your Dad - I would make your statements all about YOU. Something like: Dad, I really need to talk to you about something... I am having such a hard time with making ALL of these changes in my life ALL at the same time. I am working on my weight, trying to follow a new and healthy way of eating, I'm trying to fit in extra activity, I'm going to school, I have a relationship I'm working on, and I have you here as well... and most days...I do pretty well with these things. But I have noticed that I get really put off, and upset by ... these comments, or whatever... you know, when you say stuff like... and it just makes me feel - unsupported. Can we try to just not talk about 'food', 'what we eat', or 'who eats what', etc... Then I can just focus on my own stuff and keep making progress. I've already come a long ways... and I still have work to do in a lot of areas, but I was just hoping you could understand how this kinda derails me and leaves me wondering too much about what you are thinking about me...instead of me remaining focused on the things I really need to working on. *** Ok, something like that... Hope you do at least try to talk to him in some capacity! YOU are worth the try!!! Much Love. 
27 Oct 11 by member: jsfantome
Thanks Paula. I sorta tried talking to him yesterday, and it just didn't work. I'm going to have to deal with this on my own.  
28 Oct 11 by member: HerStrawberri
Well, I don't recommend the 'suck it up' method...so continuing to journal here is very worthwhile! And at least you sorta threw it out there - even if you made no headway! My husband used to say to me - whenever I had to interact w/ my Dad (big long history there...won't go into...) " BE THE DUCK! " ... It took me a lot of years to learn how to let it roll off my back (like water on a duck)... but it's a great easy reminder to say to yourself BEFORE EVERY interaction w/ this person! BE THE DUCK! YOU CAN DO THIS!!! Nothing he says, no attitude he has, no comment he can make - really can do anything to you...that you don't let happen in your head. You are stronger than this. Move on...move forward... and be successful in all these things FOR YOU! Just GO FOR IT! Much Love. 
28 Oct 11 by member: jsfantome
I can see a lot of my younger self in you. I was the queen of "suck it up and move on" and as I did, I added the extra weight. That is how I got to the point of where I am now with my weight issues. I thought I was hiding it, but actually it was plastered all over me and hiding under baggy shirts. Whenever I have to have a "talk" that I do not want to have, I do a little outline of what I want to cover. That way, anger does not sneak up, and I can be objective about what I am actually wanting to say and what I want to accomplish by talking to the person. I hope your dad will see where you are coming from and will understand and try to abide by the request. It may honestly be a habit that he does not realize. Maybe you could agree to set up a jar and everytime he makes a negative comment on weight or food, he has to put a dollar in the jar. When you get enough money, or when you reach a small goal you can use the money to go out and reward yourself. That way, your dad will see how much he is negative, and you will get something good to reward yourself for making good choices for you. 
28 Oct 11 by member: Hope_Springs_Eternal
I am listening to this audio book..."Big Girl" by danielle steel it is a great book....makes me angry at her parents because they are constantly putting her down. But after she turns 30 she realizes she needs to stay away because of their negitivity. 
18 Nov 11 by member: tigerangel

     
 

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