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Thursday is here ... hello.
SIGH. This has been a rough week so far ... still hoping for a change. My DH just isn't having a good week. Kidney stones are now bothering him. Nothing seems to be going his way. He put a DVD from Netflix in the player last night and it didn't work. I was reading in our bedroom. Heard the yelling ... "CANCEL NETFLIX." We've had trouble with some discs reading and playing and Monday night I changed out players. I continued reading for a bit then when I heard him go downstairs and popped it in the player ... it played. I could tell he didn't feel good this morning. Another tense drive into town ... a lot of praying and contemplating on my part. I find myself rather "numb" ... an old coping strategy from growing up ... guess it comes in handy on occasion.
My calories were higher yesterday and the scale was lower this morning. Go figure. Whatever. That is my favorite word as of late ... whatever. I know, rather adolescent of me but it is how I've been feeling. I do not, however, say it aloud ... at least not at home. Something will shift eventually ... just a rough patch. In the interim I am astutely aware that I need to take care of myself.
There was a murder/suicide in the university town that my best friend works in Moscow, Idaho. That has been on my mind as well.
Of course, another busy work day ...
On days like today I think it more important than ever for me to consider what I am grateful for ... though it is sometimes more difficult to decide ...
1. I am very grateful that I have been able to "mind my tongue" this week and not make things worse at home.
2. I am grateful that I was able to continue working yesterday despite the migraine aura I had in the morning.
3. I am grateful for the book recommendation for "The Help" I received from Sharon ... I am enjoying it and it gives me a needed diversion right now.
4. I am grateful my mother is at her sister's home and not feeling the tension at home right now ...
5. On days like these I am very grateful I no longer have children to care for at home ... that they are grown and on their own (even if it hasn't turned out the way that I hoped for any of them so far) and I don't have to juggle their needs at the same time I am juggling my own needs and their father's.
So ... life goes on. Remembering to breathe, stay as calm as I can, and think about how I might nurture myself through this week and upcoming weekend. Practicing kindness of course ... in many ways. Feeling sad, tired, resigned, and hoping for a shift soon. So excited about Cathy's upcoming nuptials ... and praying the storm doesn't complicate her plans. Hoping my buddies are doing okay ... and missing their presence here on FS.
Diet Calendar Entries for 25 August 2011:
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1613 kcal
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Fat: 51.79g | Prot: 106.32g | Carb: 166.65g.
Breakfast: strawberry, Pineapple, Barleans Flax Oil, Weight Watchers Yogurt Lemon, Vanilla Almond Milk. Lunch: chicken breast meat, cottage cheese. Dinner: tomato, Eating Right Creamy Garlic Caesar, Texas Toast, Feta, Sirloin Steak. Snacks/Other: Dreyers Fruit Bars, Select 55, Barbeque Potato Chips, Larabar Mini Cashew Cookie, Luna Protein. more...
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3284 kcal
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Activities & Exercise:
Desk Work - 8 hours, Driving - 2 hours, Sleeping - 8 hours, Resting - 5 hours and 41 minutes, Elliptical - 19 minutes. more...
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 Comments
Hi Carol and thanks for mentioning me in your journal when you have so much going on in your own life that concerns you. You know sometimes we just have a run of things in our life that annoy us all at the same time. It sounds like your hubby has had his share and hopefully things will start turning around for him. I know how tough this is on you and I know how much tougher it is to do nothing even when we know it is the best thing to do. It's just because we are fixers and we want to fix everything. Bravo to you for breathing, holding it in and focusing on all the things we do have to be grateful for. Not an easy task at the best of times. I hope you have a great day. Hugs always!!
25 Aug 11 by member: chattycathy1955
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Hi hun, I hear you on being 'numb' and it is a coping strategy of sorts. But really you are just stuffing down your emotions, keeping them quiet. I understand you are trying to keep peace, and that your husband isn't well, but someone needs to listen to your feelings too, or you will explode, which I guess you do on here but your feelings are just as in need of voicing and you are just as in need of 'loving' as what you give your husband. I know he isn't well, (said that before - lol) but he also needs to remember that you and he are a team and that he needs to think of you as well as himself. This too shall pass Carol, it always does, just hope you continue to cope okay. I always find being numb leads me to stuff my face - gotta keep those emotions at bay somehow or I would wanna punch someone!!!!
25 Aug 11 by member: sarahsmum
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I still love reading your journals, you are a great writer.
25 Aug 11 by member: sarahsmum
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I'm so impressed you managed to 'keep your tongue still'. I understand the numb strategy too. Do you have any idea why OH is having a bad week? I was warned about the mental and physical after effects of treatment carrying on for a long time. They recommended gentle exercise. Be extra kind to yourself, stay calm and keep the peace cause you won't like yourself if you don't. This will pass. Blessings
25 Aug 11 by member: flaxseed
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I hope your husband's bad week is ending soon. This tension is not good for you, not good for him neither. Physical pain can make people really cranky and getting mad at him would not lead to anything positive. But he has to remember that you are not responsible for his pain... (((hugs)))
25 Aug 11 by member: jessyline
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I always forget physical pain may lead us to involuntary crankiness! But hey. Why not? Why not call him on it, you can still be nice. Tell him (yeah like a child) how unacceptable is. You can only put up w/ so much. If it is his pain, lack of patience or whatever.. offer to help him deal? IDK, I can't stand seeing ppl bite their tongue (SOMETIMES) and here I am wishing I would hold ir MORE often Hahahaha... WHO is nuts now??????????????? Love your grafefuls, throw that book south when you are done with it!!!
25 Aug 11 by member: cindyshine
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Carol - Sounds like things not going to swell for you lately. So sorry to hear that. This too shall pass as they say.
25 Aug 11 by member: HealthyBabs
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I think I heard a joke once about how you can tell how happy someones marriage is based on how many bite marks there are on their tongue. very tough to do. I LOVE WHEN YOU EAT MORE AND THE SCALE DROPS!!!! That is a favorite scenario that rarely works for me. You do sound good despite the craziness around you. Glad you like the book :)
25 Aug 11 by member: sharonfriz
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Oh yeah! I forgot to comment on that, thx Sharon for the reminder. The scale drops when we eat more becuase we are meant to eat more. Zig zaging our cal is awesome for weightloss! It throws our body a curve ball and makes it work harder to burn cals... keep it up. Especially w/ all your workouts low cal is not the way to go. I am not saying eat a lot every day. Let me look at your calendar, hopefully you filled it.
25 Aug 11 by member: cindyshine
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Yes Cindy ... I have been keeping up pretty well with my diet calendar. I find I do better when I track ... rather than "guess" ... I've been doing smoothies for breakfast cause it has been so hot here and it just sounded good. Still experimenting with what I put in mine ... but they sure have been tasty and refreshing. Trying to get more protein in too ... but I end up carbing up with a snack at night. Also added Flax Oil to my daily regime. Oh and I've been doing 2 minute intervals at highest and lowest resistance and levels on my elliptical ... really pushing hard at the high level and backing way off on the lowest level. I don't know if it is working or not but it is something different. I always appreciate input ... sometimes I miss things or I don't think of things that y'all have had experience with!!
25 Aug 11 by member: madaboutmoose
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You all made my eyes a little misty ... reading your comments today. I am SO GRATEFUL for my fatsecret friends. I would have never imagined when I started here ... oh more than 2 years ago ... how much I would come to treasure your support. The man in my life and I are nearing 22 years together ... and he honestly does have better days or has had better days. Had to chuckle a little at Cindy's suggestion ... that would so NOT work (talking to him like a child) with him!! Disengaging and letting him rant and rave and do what he needs to do ... and then talking about it later (sometimes much later and sometimes not at all)is the most effective method. I have learned this the hard way. I WANT to tell him all sorts of things but when he is in that icky space ... it just turns into an argument, and I end up being "wrong" and apologizing and feeling awful. So ... better to hold my tongue. My tongue can be quite sharp. The tension is tough. And lately I have felt very lonely, alone, but I am working diligently at "turning it over" (Be still and know that I am) and reading has been GREAT!!! One other thing ... life can be much shorter than we think. It is quite likely that his cancer could grow again, he could have a number of health issues and our time could be cut short. I do not want to be angry at him all the time and grow resentful of him and then have him die on me. I know I would look back and regret it. While it is very difficult not to soak up some of his "pain" and I do, quite frankly, feel neglected it is up to me to take care of me ... and I know when he is "sane" again (oh please God let him become sane again!!!) he will be "with me" again and it will be better. Gosh ... sorry to drone on ... I've just really been thinking about this today and your comments made me think more and I just can't stop!!! LOL!!
25 Aug 11 by member: madaboutmoose
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(((HUGS))) You are so good to him.
25 Aug 11 by member: cindyshine
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I hear you Carol and respect that you know what is best for you and him, and its so sad to realize that he has cancer and that it night rear its ugly head again. He is probably worried about that too in the back of his head but all this angst isn't good for HIS body either. Sigh. Wish life was easy but then we'd be bored, right? So go bite that tongue, make sure there is some salt and tequila handy to sooth the bite marks - lol. You are right, this is an awesome sight. I wouldn't be where I am now without the support and accountability. I know someone will always give me a hand out or point out the facts of life when needed. Hope today is a good day. Big hugs.
26 Aug 11 by member: sarahsmum
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that should be awesome 'site' not 'sight' lol !!!
26 Aug 11 by member: sarahsmum
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