HerStrawberri's Journal, 22 June 2011

Thank you all for your posts yesterday. I'm sorry for the 'pity party'. I was more upset over the personal drama then I ever was over the food or really even what the scale said. I don't have an outlet to vent my feelings or emotions and most of the time I keep them ALL bottled up. I, for the most part, stay at home by myself until my partner gets home and usually she is gone 12-13 hrs a day. When she gets home I don't trouble her with my stupid crap because she just worked her butt off and needs to relax. I don't have any 'real' friends here. So this is where I have been getting out all the yucky stuff I have inside. I don't want to sound whiny or pathetic even though I prob do. BUT this helps me. I was in a severe depression for the last year and I'm slowly pulling myself out of it. Not with drugs or going to a therapist, but by addressing my inner demons and trying to FIX them instead of stuffing them back down. So yeah, my journal might be a bit dark or whatever....but it's helping me. It's really hard when you don't a support system in 'real' life. So for the time being, THIS is my support system. Writing has always helped me. This is NOT just a random 100 lb loss thing for me. This is a lifestyle change. This is MY HEALTH and well being. If I hadn't found this site...I'm not sure where i would be right now. Might sound stupid to some of you...or maybe all of you. BUT it's honestly how I feel.

Thank you all for being so encouraging and supportive. It's sad that I had to look to complete strangers for what I'm not getting in my real life.

Diet Calendar Entries for 22 June 2011:
1532 kcal Fat: 99.14g | Prot: 124.26g | Carb: 22.86g.   Breakfast: Egg, Turkey Sausage Patties, Turkey Sausage Patties, IMPRL DELIGHT QTRS. Lunch: Ground Beef Sirloin, Mayonnaise, Heinz Ketchup. Dinner: boneless porkchops, extra virgin olive oil. Snacks/Other: Original Deli Thin Turkey, Part Skim Mozzarella Cheese, Day Break Apple Crisp Bar, Original Whipped Light Cream, Jell-O Sugar Free Low Calorie Gelatin Snacks - Orange/Lemon-Lime. more...
3657 kcal Activities & Exercise: Resting - 16 hours, Sleeping - 8 hours. more...

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Comments 
Strawberry, always remember this is YOUR journal for YOUR use and what a great way to be able to look back and see how far you have come. I think you are in store for an amazing view of that! Sorry that depression has gotten you do down but so happy you are tackling it. Now, I must ask WHY do you stay at home all day? Is it time to get out and start doing some things? Start by going out for a walk every day. Some fresh air and activity outside may really help you. Don't know where you live or your living arrangement but if you can't walk in your neighborhood, drive to somewhere that you can. Do you have a yard or a patio, try a little gardening. Plant some veggies/herbs in pots and use them in your meals. There is something about getting your hands in some dirt that is good for the soul. I am happy to see you realize this is for your health and not just a passing whim for you. You are going in the right direction my dear!  
22 Jun 11 by member: HealthyBabs
Oh, the budding of a beautiful flower! That's what your journal represents to me :) Hang in there... YOU CAN DO THIS! 
22 Jun 11 by member: jsfantome
Babs~ I WAS staying at home because I was so embarressed with my weight. I really didn't have a clothes that fit and I just felt so GROSS. That turned into me being scared to leave. Then it just escalted and turned into this 'thing' and I wouldn't go anywhere without my partner. I live in Milwaukee, a good area, if I want to go somewhere I have to take the bus. I just stopped going outside during the week. I kind of still do that now. I was so disgusted with myself I just wanted to hide in my house and that went on for a year and 45 new lbs. It's funny you said that about gardening. I have wanted to do that for a while now. We have a little balcony and I want to start planting. Now I have no idea HOW to garden but it really seems like a 'peace bringing' activity. As a matter of fact, this weekend I was going to get some pots and stuff and give it a whirl. I know I still have lots I need to work on, and I WILL work on them. Everything is so 'clear' now. I'm NOT in a drug induced haze anymore either. I'm a firm believer that anti-depres pills make u worse...NOT better. At least for me. Anyway, Thank you for your post. I'm going to start going outside everyday, even if it's just to sit on my balcony. I think the more I do it...the easier I will be. Sometimes you have to put yourself in uncomfortable situations to get over your fears. =) JS~ Thank you! I love the 'budding of a beautiful flower'. Thank you! 
22 Jun 11 by member: HerStrawberri
Had typed a decent response to your post yesterday, clicked submit, and my internet dropped out. I speak from experience when I say staying isolated is not great for your troubles. Exercise is great to help alleviate depression and you are doing great on that. You know what works for you. The journaling does help and glad we can be there to support you. ;)  
22 Jun 11 by member: nolechick
I sent you an email. hang in there. you are not alone. 
22 Jun 11 by member: esimnons
Dawn, I am glad you are so open in your journals. I go through the same struggles about leaving the house. Months ago, I refused to go grocery shopping without my husband and kids, even though having them with me didn't really help reduce the stress. I am struggling right now to ride my bike around the neighborhood and when we go camping. My husband bought me that bike three years ago and I only attempted to ride it a couple of weeks ago. I pedaled a little ways and then broke down in tears because I felt fat and ashamed. Despite my mini meltdown, I am determined to ride that bike around the block by the end of summer (hopefully, before that); I just have to get my mind in the right place. Baby steps, right?  
22 Jun 11 by member: angie_rose10
Angie~ I have to be honest. I mean, I know I'm opening a part of myself that is scary. It's scary to re-read some of the stuff I have posted, especially this last post. To put onto paper that you were/are afraid to go out of the house because you are so ashamed of yourself is really...I don't even know the right words. I have never admitted that to anyone and when i started out writing that I didn't even mean for it to go there. It was so bad for a while. I wouldn't go into the gas station with my partner or even want to go out to eat because I was afraid I wouldn't fit into the booth. Sometimes I had to squeeze myself in. OMG that is so freaking embarressing. I was so worried about people staring at me I couldn't relax or eat and just wanted to cry. THAT has gotten better. I fit into booths better now. It's a daily struggle. My anxiety is so bad now because of that. I will find a way to get through it and deal with it. YOU can get through this too. I'm so sorry you broke down in tears while riding your bike, but at least you got out there and did it. That's what i tell myself. I may cry or be uncomfortable.....but at least I DID IT. you WILL get around the block. Just try a little more each day. It DOES become easier. I mean, I'm still not leaving my house during the week....but on the weekends I'm doing so much more then I have in a year and to me that is progress. Each day I'm going to go outside...even if it's for 5 or 10 mins. Then maybe walk around the block. I used to walk all the time. I will again. I even want to take the bus to the mall or library before the summer is over. Little goals. They get you to where you wanna go. You can do it Angie! Never give up on yourself. I'm always here if you need a friend to listen. or a helpful nudge. =) Before long you will get on that bike and fly around your neighborhood and it will feel so GOOD. and you will know you CAN DO THIS!!!! 
22 Jun 11 by member: HerStrawberri
You know - I just thought of another member, Kingcole35, who has been a true motivation to a lot of people. He started in the 500's...yup, and is already in the 300's!!! When you have some time, look him up on here, and go back and read some of his earlier journals. You will find in time as you conquer one thing... you will begin to add to that garden of lovely flowers (your life!). NO ONE, and I truly mean that... no one - cares more about YOU - than YOU! Learning to forgive yourself for the past, learning to love yourself again, learning to be happy in the moment, but work towards a better tomorrow... that's all part of life. And honestly, you'd likely be struggling w/ other issues - very similar, even if you were thin right now. Do the HARD THING for great is its reward! If it's hard to get out and ride the bus, then try it just for a short jaunt. Nothing is going to happen. And you will try again next week w/ a little longer one. Baby steps. BUT DO IT! Do the HARD things!!! YOU ARE WORTH IT! Much Love. 
22 Jun 11 by member: jsfantome
I was so fricken scared the first time I went rowing. I felt like I was going to sink the boat, and that I was the biggest person there. I wanted to cry, and hide. Now I am sweating my a$$ off with the rest of them and loving it. This is your journal to express how you feel, whatever you feel, because getting it out and having a sympathetic ear is better than dealing with it with food...do what you have to do to get through this. Write what you have to write, and don't worry what everyone is going to think about it. We are all here for you, and most of us have experienced similar situations. No one on here is going to judge you. My journals about 2 months ago were pretty unhappy. It has been my new look on life and "dieting" and my exercising that has brought me out of my hole. I cannot wait to say I have lost 40 pounds! 
22 Jun 11 by member: Jennifer2010

     
 

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