|
Breakthrough Morning! - Crowded at the Gate
Well, the last 24-48 hours has been interesting. A bit painful, incredibly productive, and simply put...inspiring.
So, I had my moment - weakness overtook me. Ok, it was only 3 cookies, but still, threw me for a loop. Not the cookies, per se, but the feelings and the attitudes, the mindsets, the behaviors... (perhaps a look back at yesterday's journal, if you need to catch up :)
And then the reflection process began.
Had a powerful and much needed conversation w/ my hubby last night while out at dinner on date night.
Much of what led me to gain weight, avoidance of my true appearance, and lack of 'caring' - was tied to my own self esteem issues, and my lack of being able to love myself. And those issues were tied to my marriage, and my view of my husband's lack of love and physical desire for me. At the time, we had a rather unhealthy lack of respect for the value of intimacy in our marriage, and were operating in dysfunction.
The longer we went without being together - the more I blamed myself. And my appearance. My weight became the mental barrier I could not hurdle - I lived in fear of being rejected - and I subconsciously already felt rejected, and insultated those feelings with food, and gaining more weight, making myself even less desireable, and perpetuating the problem even more.
I perceived his laziness and lack of desire for me as rejection. He perceived my total disregard for my weight and appearance as a rejection of him. WOW! This gets complicated.
Thing is... I was torn between wanting the cookies, and not wanting to gain weight. Not wanting to go backwards. Not wanting to feel like I have in the past - that my weight = my desireablity.
My husband has told me before, but told me again last night, that he is (as most men are) an incredibly visual person. But the beauty of that statement, is he sees me thru 'marriage lens'. He loves me. So what he sees when he looks at me doesn't revolve around a number on the scale, or what size I am. All that I used to think and feel at 200 + lbs, it was in MY head... not his. He saw 'curves' and thought they were beautiful. He saw the mother of his children, and never saw the stretch marks I see. He saw sexiness, where I was repulsed. Who knew?
And he sees the same things now. He made me understand that while he can obviously tell that I have lost weight - it's just simply not a focus of his. He wouldn't be able to tell anyone how MUCH weight, because he just doesn't evaluate it that way. "The beauty of a flower doesn't change just because it's partially open, or in full bloom" - they are just different. Equally beautiful.
So, the gathering at the Gate of my Heart is crowed this morning. A lot of emotions to reflect on. This journey gave me the courage to address our dysfunction - over a year ago - and to push my husband to make our marriage better. All of that - had nothing to do with my weight - but our intimacy 'health' - has made all the difference in me! It helps me to feel whole, connected, loved, secure, and to live without fear.
He doesn't care if I live this way (low carb) or not - or if I eat the cookies - or not - but that I am happy. And his willingness to help me keep things out in the open, and encourage me regardless of whether I count calories, or eat low carb - whether I exercise, or just use increased activity in my life... just his willingness to support me - left me feeling incredibly blessed in the crowd at the Gate!
I don't know if this makes any sense... but I do know, I am starting to get it! I am loved. And I am worth being loved. And knowing that allows me to love freely in return. And none of this is about the 3 cookies. And yet, all of it is about the 3 cookies.
Still learning to walk in COURAGE to be myself!
Much love, and hope you have a wonderful Sunday!!!
Diet Calendar Entries for 22 May 2011:
|
1630 kcal
|
Fat: 115.98g | Prot: 107.02g | Carb: 34.49g.
Breakfast: Pork Sausage Patties, hidden carbs, coffee (8oz) black, water (6-10 AM). Lunch: bacon ranch dressing (2 tbsp), real bacon bits (1 tblsp), fresh parm cheese (1 oz.), romaine, water , tuna fish. Dinner: butter, sirloin, whole green beans, fresh parm cheese (1 oz.), Marie's blue cheese dressing(2 tbsp), water (4-6), hidden carbs, iceburg lettuce, real bacon bits (1 tblsp). Snacks/Other: popcorn. more...
|
|
1884 kcal
|
Activities & Exercise:
Exercise machine (moderate) - 35 minutes, Resting - 15 hours and 25 minutes, Sleeping - 8 hours. more...
|
|