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I have come to terms with the simple fact that I have an eating disorder.
That sounds over dramatic, but when I think about it, its true.
When i was 14, I went through periods of time where I would not eat at all.
I recall lasting 14 days without food. Just water, and gum was all I had.
Then throughout my older teen years, I alternated between extreme dieting and binge eating one meal per day.
I'm not sure what I would be classified as now. When i am 'dieting' I beat myself up for eating more than 800 calories a day.
Then I end up binging. When I binge, I mindlessly shove food into my mouth and before I know it, I feel terribly sick. If i dont end up throwing up automatically, I do make myself, just to get rid of that feeling.
Once I have purged, I start eating again. I'm not even kidding you. I will make myself throw up only to start binging again five minutes later.
I know, it sounds pathetic. I've often asked myself "When will you learn?! What the hell is it going to take for you to realize this is terrible! Its unhealthy! its sad and awful that once I start, i just CANT stop eating.
The binging and purging, and lack of control whatsoever has only been going on since the end of October/early November. And after this week, i can most definitely say, that I have reached rock bottom.
I have IBS, and before the severe binging started I couldnt remember the last time I had had an attack. I stopped eating red meat [and other things that trigger it] when I was 12. I think it had been 3 or 4 years.
But the fact that I have been binging, purging, and binging again, set off an attack, and I have had two so far this year (as of january). The combination of physical and emotion stress just sets off an attack... like sending sending a kid on a pogo stick through a minefield.
I know what set off the binge in the first place on Monday. It started subtly. I woke up and weighed myself, and to my dismay, after a week of hard work, i'd only lost ONE DAMN POUND.
I'd even tried upping my calories that week. I was mad at myself- for "eating too much"
for "not trying hard enough".
So i ate breakfast, and then I ate more. The extra food I ate made me feel sluggish, so i had to wait to exercise. Then I got hungry again- didnt want to work out on an empty stomach. Went into the kitchen and had ham and cheese sandwhiches. Ate too much again. Couldnt work out again. And for the rest of the day I was depressed.
Then it carried over into tuesday. I did fine all day, up until the evening, and after dinner, i binged and purged. I woke up wednesday feeling sick and sorry for myself because i had a sore throat. For some reason that gave me permission to go get some non-fat frozen yogurt. I had some pinkberry on the way home from dropping my brother off. And then somehow, junk food found its way into my mouth. Wednesday night and all of Thursday were just complete fall-outs. Total A-wall from the healthy eating scene. Complete failure. Downright self-destruct mode kicked in. As a result, my body decided to start a civil war- aka an IBS attack.
So for the past three days [Friday, Saturday, and Today], I have been in bed, curled in a ball, farting my ass off, and living off vicodin and Motrin for the extreme headaches when I am awake. The rest of the time, I'm just trying to sleep as much as possible until this passes. Theres really nothing else i can do. I have seen doctor after doctor for most of my life, trying to find a medication that works for me. None of them have even touched it. Donatal comes close, but, blllaaahhhh. The only treatment that I have found to be successful is preventing the attacks altogether.
You'd think I'd learn. You really would. But When i am at that point of depression, I dont even care anymore. It amazes me how I dont/cant realize what I am doing. Because these damn IBS attacks are hell. Living HEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLL, i tell you.
On friday I made an appointment with a counselor for next thursday. She is a therapist that I have seen in the past, and knows me quite well. In fact, the only reason I stopped seeing her in December was because I had surgery. Plus, other things took my attention and time, such as my family.
If she doesnt know anything about eating disorders, I hope she can point me in the direction of someone who can help me.
I know what to do... I just dont understand why I cant or wont do it.
Its certainly not about my ability to lose weight.
I can do it. I have done it.
Its all a matter of my emotional being.
I want to cry just thinking about it.
Hell, I want to cry thinking about all the bread I have eaten in the past 72 hours, because for some reason my stomach feels best after I eat high fiber carbs, like brown rice and wheat bread.
Then I think to myself, "Why are you being so ridiculous?! So what if i ate a lot of carbs? Its not like I binged. I'm eating what my body can tolerate right now."
I cant seem to talk myself in the right direction anymore, which is why I really think I need to see a counselor.
Wow, i really need my stomach to stop hurting so I can think clearly... for once in the past week.
Diet Calendar Entry for 15 March 2009:
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1453 kcal
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Fat: 16.01g | Prot: 47.98g | Carb: 296.78g.
Breakfast: strawberries, milk, old fashioned oats safeway, light and fit vanilla , thomas' whole wheat english muffin. Lunch: steamfresh brown rice, cellery, nature valley honey oat bar, apple. Dinner: thomas' whole wheat bagel , wheat saltine crackers, v8 soup. Snacks/Other: light whole wheat bread, orowheat, mango, banana, Antioxidant Mighty Mango, light and fit, yoplait light smoothie. more...
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