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Today I woke up, weighed myself, and drank some magnesium citrate.
For all of you who know what that's for, my 'difficulties' need no explanation. For those of you in the dark, i have two words for you: Google. It.
Anyways, I am curious to see how much I weigh after my digestive track returns to its normal functioning self.
The stomach pain comes in waves, which is extremely annoying.
I'll feel fine for five minutes, and think i can get up and concur the world. Then in another five I'll be in excruciating pain.
Uggghhh... F*&k this.
Last night I was thinking about how much this effects my life.
A week of time has been wasted. A week that I could have potentially lost 1-2 steady pounds, OR, even just a week where I wasnt in dire pain. Hey, that sounds better than what I went through.
When I start to get stressed out about my mistakes, I try to talk myself out of it. Theres nothing I can do now but move on.
But this is a lot easier said, than done.
Especially when I get stressed out because its monday, and I am supposed to be exercising today. But I dont know if i can.
It seems I still cant eat fruits and vegetables without consequences. I tried some broccoli soup last night and it threw me through another nightmare of stomach pain. To counter-act its effect I ate some bread, oat meal, and rice. But I have a feeling I ate way too much.
I'm stressed about eating, and eating to cope with stress.
Which I dont think I have ever done in my life until now.
It makes me think of my mom... it makes me think I am turning into her. But she never got help for it. Her emotional eating is still there- she has even told me that fact. Only she cant stuff her face with cakes, ice cream and pies because her stomach is the size of an egg.
And last night, I thought about how this is ruining my life
One time, I had just started to binge, and my fiance called me. He asked if he could come see me after he got off work.
I told him, "I dont know, i'm kinda busy babe, i'll call you back in a second." I hung up and it was almost like i "forgot" about him. Time passed, I continued binging, and then I got a text from him that said simply said, "I miss you." I realized I had blown him off to binge and started crying.
I looked at it, and walked out of the kitchen, trying to not eat anymore. I went into my room, sat down, and felt sick. So i felt like I had no choice but to finish what i started. i ate more and then purged.
I feel like a terrible person for keeping things from him. He knows I am nit-picky about every calorie that goes into me, and he knows that I eat too much if i have not had enough to eat all day. Thats pretty much why he suggested that I see a dietitian or counselor. He even said he was scared I would develop an eating disorder. I want to take him with me to see my counselor, but he doesnt know I have made myself throw up before. Shit... I think i should tell him before we go.
I am so looking forward to when this stops hurting. I am excited and eager to get back into being healthy. I ask myself why I even sabotaged myself in the first place. It doesnt make sense to me. I was so happy and full of energy. Damn it.
Diet Calendar Entry for 16 March 2009:
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271 kcal
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Fat: 4.61g | Prot: 15.09g | Carb: 44.97g.
Breakfast: ice, milk, yogurt, frozen berries. Lunch: sliced turkey, whipped cream cheese, whole wheat bagel. more...
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 Comments
Hey ... it is what it is ... you are coming to awareness, being honest with yourself as you write ... I hope embracing yourself with kindness, forgiveness, acceptance, tolerance, patience, all those things I have a feeling you give freely to others but not yourself. You have NOT lost a week ... your pain has given you a gift, an opportunity to move forward and not be trapped by the same old shit over and over and over. The Chinese word for "crisis" also means "opportunity." This recent "crisis" is your "opportunity" to move past being self destructive. It's not easy, it is not pleasant and frankly there isn't much to "like" about it. It simply "is what it is" and you are a worthwhile person who has every right to enjoy what you eat and enjoy your life. Your fiancee sounds like a good man. I'm glad you aren't alone in this and I am glad you are taking this opportunity at a much younger age than your mother. Keep us posted!!!
16 Mar 09 by member: madaboutmoose
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i did. but i am confused, are you in pain because of the mag or have pain all the time, the mag helps it? i like what moose has to say, glad you are not alone too. will you be seeing a counselor soon?
16 Mar 09 by member: cindyshine
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Most people don't know this, but I've struggled with binging/purging or all around not eating for years. It's actually the reason I have such a close relationship with my brother. He was my rock. Message me if you are up for reading I have a few book suggestions that helped me out.
16 Mar 09 by member: ohitsashley
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I'm sorry you're going through a tough time right now. I think you should tell your fiance about your binging and purging. I'm sure he'll support you in wanting to get healthy.
16 Mar 09 by member: MOM2JEM
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The mag actually helped a whole lot, cindy. lol I was in a lot of pain from *clears throat* symptoms of my IBS. And I will be seeing a counselor on thursday, although she is just a therapist and she might not know anything about eating disorders. Thats okay with me though, as long as she can give me some help, or maybe refer me to someone who has those credentials.
Thank you so much for all your comments, girls. You have no idea how much you have helped me.
17 Mar 09 by member: girlygirlatheart
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Madaboutmoose said it way better than I could therefore I will simply give you a cyber hug. ((((((((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))))
17 Mar 09 by member: munestar32
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