AdaOke's Journal, 24 November 2019

Thank you Figure26, shirfleur, melissaknight, and ConiMN 😞 November 23rd was actually our 4 yr wedding anniversary. I just feel like Im being taken for granted. He can be such a self-centered asshole sometimes that I just dont even want to look at him. I struggle with trying to make him understand how neglectful he can be. Its like he has no empathy. We desperately need counselling but just need to find the time and commit to it. 

I don't know you personally but do know that the best solution is communication. Find time to be together alone and be willing to listen and let him know how you feel as well without resentment or blame. Try that first. Many times with a new family and child, one can get lost in the reason one got married to begin with. Best of luck to you my dear.  

if u wanna talk to sb, feel free to text to me. sometimes it may be better to talk to sb you don't know.  

I am so sorry to hear that AdaOke-I have been married 22 years. We have truly had some ups and downs in our marriage. He is my best friend and I adore and love him very much. The early years of marriage can be very challenging-you are trying to learn yourself and your mate and it can be difficult at times. I wish you both the best.? 

Figure26, I ❤️ Your post. Adaoke, I’ve been married almost 20 years and I know the early years can be the toughest and we’ve always had some level of difficulty, again recently tough times and transition but I’m trying to give my best, encourage his and see where it goes. I am a fan of seeing a therapist which I haven’t done in years but am scheduling. If you have insurance could be just $20 co pay. He has also finally agreed to see one, we’ll see. Then maybe later together if we decide to. Also, this is funny, I am catholic, haven’t been to confession in years but took my teen daughter for her confirmation. They invited parents to confess too. I only did because I felt guilty not to set an example for my daughter, haha! Little did I know that I would be welling up in tears, feeling heard and reassured, and it was 100% free! I was floored. That was a turning point for me recently. Also, as moms it’s easy to give all of yourself away and leave nothing left for you. Then, it also becomes easy to wait for it to come back from others to you and feel resentful when it doesn’t. Perfectly natural. However, not helpful. I don’t know your relationship dynamics but I know what has helped me and helped us make it this long. Fill yourself first and give as you always have, not expecting anything in return. By fill yourself, I mean, do what fulfills you, at least sometimes throughout the day. By working on health you are taking a big step to caring for you. Awesome. I’ve added at least one monthly activity I look forward to. A book club night w martinis with friends, I got to toastmasters meetings (public speaking, smart people with goals, desire to improve). Who you hang with can bring out your best. Maybe as you are your best you will inspire your husband, or maybe you won’t but either way, it will help you, maybe both of you. I meditate and journal every morning. A lot of times it’s small details and about annoyance but with it, I let it go. Onto the paper and out of my head. Sometimes I become self aware of what I did to create frustration from him, sometimes I see trends where I don’t know if we should stay together if it continues but I do love him and divorce can sometimes be worse than staying together. Not always. I don’t know your answer but we are each responsible for filling ourselves. You may not even know what fills you, just you. Think about it, write it and schedule prices of it in every day, when you know it will be easiest to ensure it’s not skipped. Also, find groups and commit to something for you. Meetup.com, hiking, writing, library book club, whatever. 1x a week is healthy I think, plus exercise and social sprinkled in. And at least 1 monthly or twice monthly meetup with friend or friends. Lastly, I recommend reading “how to a be a badass” by Jen sincere And “becoming who you’re meant to be” by Kimberly Lou (listening on audible. I can send you free listen if you don’t have an acct there). Anyways, books, podcasts and social time takes you out of yourself, meditation and journaling takes you in. Both feel good. I want you to feel good. You are worth it and you deserve to take care of you too. Stay strong.  

Sorry some types I meant pieces not prices. Haha  

Thank you for caring Sheydosh and tiffany 💓 

Thank you guys, Fluffy Floridian and sparrow. I'll be taking your advice into account. I know no relationship is perfect...I can only do my best. Thanks again. 

me either  

Hey love♥️♥️ I hope you had a happy Thanksgiving ♥️♥️♥️ 

I hope you did too jcmama, thank you 😍 

Hey Ada I’m so sorry I missed this. I’ve been married for almost 14 years and it’s been really hard sometimes. Sometimes that was my issue, sometimes his, sometimes both. It has taken a lot of work on both sides to get better. If he’s not willing to commit to counseling, then start yourself. I have really appreciated materials from the Gottman Institute. They have a lot of free resources on their website; it’s how I got started. And honestly, I learned a lot from this sub-group at the Babycenter.com website called DWIL (Dealing With In-Laws) but they really handle lots of things. It helped me understand when he was the problem or me (and my extended shitshow family). Those ladies are harsh but they understand what situations are “2 card” situations, i.e. if that is happening, you show him two cards: one from a marriage counselor and one from a divorce lawyer. Then tell him if he doesn’t do counseling then it moves to divorce. That’s harsh but sometimes that what you need. Hugs girl. We’re here if you need us. ❤️ 

♥️ 😘 

Thank you adultosaur💓 I had a long long talk with the husband..we are taking things day by day amd making small steps to be better..both of us. I appreciate your support and everyone else's as well 💓💓