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day 48 of 65
Today I have decided to put on my fake face that everything is okay and that the darkness that weighs me down has gone away. It is not a healthy way to address the situation but I just can not handle the looks I am getting at work. Being told that I looked sick for the last couple of days, or hearing the rumours that I am a moody person. Amazingly very few people understand, and the stigma attached is very clear.
So here goes the fake smiles, fake laughs, fake me...
If I put as much effort into dieting and exercise as I do on staying mentally stable I would be super skinny by now.
Grateful for:
all my buddies and their kind words
private messages that let me know that I am not alone
my family
my job and understanding boss
getting out of bed and the ability to "fake it"
finding the strength to call up every coping skill I have ever learned
seeing another day and the guardians who protect me from harm.
Big hugs to all my buds and a huge thank you agian...
No matter what my emotional state is I always have and will appreciate the support from those who care... much love and respect to you all.
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 Comments
Sorry to hear that you are in a situation where its best to be fake for judgmental co-workers. I have been there before (I tried to commit suicide 10 yrs ago) and I think its terrible that on top of the agony of mental illness, people are expected to adjust their behavior to look more acceptable to those who don't understand. I'm glad your family and boss are on your side, and we are still here for you, too! hugs, Cindy
04 Oct 12 by member: cindylynnwho
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It's a hard thing to swallow, sorrow and pain. Been there, done that. Not good at it, because I'm so unfortunatly transparent, but I know where you are coming from. I've had Japanese friends that are masters of it. They have these smiling faces they give the world, even though they are weeping inside; they've confided to me later more than once what was really going through their minds in certain bad situations. I wish that life wasn't such that the deceit of your inner core were necessary. "In order for the light to shine so brightly, the darkness must be present." -Francis Bacon. Do what you must to survive Pam, but do NOT forget that there is light at the end of that dark, terrible tunnel and you will emerge in it, eventually.
04 Oct 12 by member: QuirkyNat
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Unfortunately part of life is "faking" how we really feel to most people we come in contact with on a daily basis - as most people don't actually care and therefore feel no reason why they should take the time to understand. Sad...but true..... So maybe instead of calling it faking it - call it your "brave face" as you are saving others from feeling the uncomfort of having to deal with someone with feeling. Stay strong :)
04 Oct 12 by member: triaby
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Thank you Triaby, Nat and Cindy.. your words of kindness are appreciated.
I really do wish there was not so much stigma and misunderstanding surrounding mental illness. It seems so unfair that I have to be considerate of people different nationalities at work, but they feel it is all right to be prejudice against mental illness. :(
04 Oct 12 by member: pam-u-la
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I agree...you are not faking it. You are braving it! Some days are too hard for words...remember that the better days will show up soon. Have hope! Thinking of you!
04 Oct 12 by member: jessabridge4444
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Well...faking it is a good topic, isnt it? Yeah, why should you have to put on the face for other people - BUT, guess what? Maybe it will work for you. If you "act as if" you are doing better, your depressive thoughts about yourself and who you are could change, too. I really do understand your mood disorder and do not imply it is easy or simple - just hopeful that "acting" as if you feel better will help you to feel better!
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Thank you Jessa and HBC.. I appreciate your comments.
I will get through this.. thank you for your support.
04 Oct 12 by member: pam-u-la
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Hardest part is putting on the mask. Sometimes it works. Sometimes it's too much work. This too shall pass...because we dare :)
04 Oct 12 by member: Meonlybetter
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