peeperjj's Journal, 03 October 2018

I find that this journal is my lifeline at times. If I’m the only one who sees it that’s ok. If I never see this again then that’s okay too.

It’s time to make a decision. I don’t want to make a decision. By not making a decision, I’m making one by default.

I’m tired. Bone tired. Emotionally tired. Mentally tired. My ‘diet’ for some odd reason is keeping me in check. It gives me something to do. It keeps my mind off of other things.

A friend has been telling me for years it’s time to get out. Now my counselor says something has to give and I need to look at my choices and consider making a decision. My home life has been this way off an on for 14 years and fairly steady like this for almost 2. My friend reminded me today that it actually started fairly steady about May 2016 so more like 2 1/2 years.

Some is my fault if blame must be placed. I’ve changed. How could I not after moving away from everything I’ve known, being a stay at home Mom and basically detached from outside life until my kids started school... then moving again right in the middle of ‘no boundary in law land’ where my husband constantly chose the family he dislikes immensely over the kids and I. Then losing Dad, Mom and my stepdad in just under 4 years from start to finish and having an unplanned baby in that time (she saved me from suicide so I’ll never consider it a mistake or whatever. She’s my little oopsie in the best way). 3 months after the last death I found out my gene mutations and had to start considering surgical options and the following 3 years it’s been decisions, surgeries, surprise tumors found, more surgeries, treatment and trying to find and accept the new me.... with very little close support. I’ve changed. I dislike some changes. Most can’t be helped. My anxiety has worsened and they say it’s a life long thing now but controlled mostly with meds. I’m more irritable and sensitive to things around me like everyone talking at once gets overwhelming and I have to get out. It’s almost like I’ve developed a combination of ADD, OCD and PSTD that comes and goes. When I feel negative stuff coming on I explain to the family and find a distraction if possible. The oldest and hubby don’t get it. And don’t care to. They’ll push and push until I explode. She follows me around and won’t let up. He gets surly and makes sure I know that he shouldn’t have to deal with this and I need to just be ‘normal’.

Then there’s anytime I have a need. Every single surgery he picks a fight the days before and the day of and sometimes for a week after. Then one day he just denies it all. I’m imagining it. I’ve started calling a friend and telling her every detail just so when he says this I can call her, explain what I think happened and ask if that’s what I told her. She thinks he’s trying to make me think I’m crazy. Like literally crazy, need to be locked up crazy. He’s tired of a wife that sleeps on the couch most nights even though the bed makes me wake up crying. He doesn’t care because it’s fine for his back. It’s fine for his hip and he can get up off of it easily (well he didn’t have surgery last week). I give in and sleep in bed so times but like this morning, I wake surly, in pain, exhausted because I couldn’t get comfortable etc. Can they let me have a cup of coffee before everyone needs me? Nope. His daddy job is mornings. 6:20-8am. He makes sure they get up by 6:40 if they oversleep, gets a glass of milk for the youngest, checks his phone while they get ready, drives one to school and back by 7:15-7:20 and goofs off until 8. After work he farms, does a hobby, tv, phone games, naps etc except mid October to first of December and once a week then he coaches my youngests team.

Too long of a story but after surgery let’s just say that he yelled at everyone for the smallest things like speaking too loudly, needing to stop and use the restroom, having to stop and get my pain pills. His excuse? He needed to poop and was unwilling to poop anywhere other than Home. My pain meds trumps his not wanting to poop at any of the 4-5 places we went that day. Me being calm and comfortable should’ve trumped his hissy fits about Every single thing he could think of. My meds keep me calm for the most part. I have less outbursts when upset until I get overwhelmed. Asking didn’t work, telling didn’t work and telling him to shut the fuck up only managed to have him seething. 2-3 hours of constant bitching was enough. I’m still angry now. Once again I should’ve come first but he had to. Whatever his need to always make issues out to nothing and cause fights before any surgery or treatment of mine. (He did this with every single chemo as well and even told me he couldn’t take me because he had to work. Even though he gets 18+ days of vacation and I had 4 treatments I asked him to come to- he came to 2. The last was only because his family shamed him into it and he made it more miserable than it already was).

He does little things to get me and my oldest fighting. I didn’t take the bait tonight but also couldn’t manage to be as proud as I should’ve been or praise as I should have. He has a work truck. He refuses to let me drive it saying if anyone found out he would be fired. I can’t even use it to follow him from field to field. That’s fine, I can use my suburban. Today he let my 12 year old drive it. I was on the phone with a friend and worth he kids all around us he informed me she was going to follow him and in his work truck. I offered mine thinking he would get in trouble or fired. Nope she HAD to drive his at his insistence and then looked baffled as to why I was upset. I let it go. After coming home he kept rubbing it in and r egging on her to which I told her a few times that she did well and I was proud of her for not being afraid and willing to do it. He still acted confused so after the kids finally headed to their rooms I explained about his being fired and said I didn’t appreciate that he would either lie about it for years OR pit us against each other on something so silly. He thinks I’m making stuff up yet she’s already bragging about how she got to do something he has refused to allow me for the last 5ish years. That’s is my child. She WILL bring it up until she gets a rise out of me and he knows this. Eventually she will just because I’ll get sick of hearing it and tell her to stop. He got angry and left the room after a bunch of grumbling, eye rolling and ‘whatever’s.

I’m tired. So tired that if I sit down I fall asleep. So the last few evenings I’ve let myself sleep knowing that I need it. The pressure from the binder has been waking me up and taking it off means I wake up when I roll on my side and it hurts. 3-4 hours sleep at night so since he can take a nap at lunch, one before dinner and bed by 9 I felt that I could take a 1-3 hour nap the last few days. Wrong. He woke me up at 8 pissed asking if he should cook. Uh yeah why don’t you do that since I’m not supposed to be cooking until tonight yet I have been as well as laundry, cleaning etc. I push myself but hate when someone expects me to go against restrictions because they are lazy and helpless. So he sends the kids to wake me a few times asking when I wanted dinner (it’s 8, duh cook now), what I wanted (sigh I’m sleeping and don’t plan to eat so whatever you all want), then letting me know dinner would be ready in 10 minutes, in 5 minutes, then when ready. He then gets angry because I should appreciate his willingness to cook for me and love the fact that he cooked hamburger helper. He is upset that I can’t weigh it therefore don’t eat it. He doesn’t remember what he used. He doesn’t think it’s spicy so I shouldn’t think so. He’s upset because the kids barely touched it. I got it for HIM and he knows this. He wills at over half of a box himself. Ok in all honesty he will eat the whole damn thing but he made both boxes tonight. It seems we’ve never told him they dislike it and that they don’t like spicy foods. They are 4,9&12 and he can’t remember this. He just doesn’t care.

I tried to speak with him tonight and he just got up and walked off. He went to bed without saying goodnight (he thinks this gets back at me and does it anytime he’s not happy with me).

He informed me today that I’ll need to go get the fundraiser order because he may be busy. His plans for the week were changed so he has nothing planned except to update his reports and that usually takes half a day. But he MAY be busy so he can’t help. So I get to go carry heavy boxes for the car and unload them and out away when I get home. He also can’t help relieve it because he’s sure he will be busy every day, evening and weekend until the end of the month and I shouldn’t wait that long. This... this is one reason that I push myself. If I stretch and do thighs that keep up my strength then I can lift those boxes. If I sit around for a week doing nothing then lifting those boxes is gonna pull something, rip a stitch, pull off a steri strip or whatever. I could wait until 3 and have my oldest help. However that means the two youngest would go on home. Alone. Because he already knows about this, has told me he may be busy and that means he will make sure he isn’t home. I’d rather not have them home alone because sometimes we wait for 30-60 minutes for our turn to pick up. I may be allowed to get them off the bus there but the school is coming down hard on that. They don’t even want us picking up the kids. The kids are to sue the same way Home at all times unless strictly necessary to change. Picking up fundraiser stuff isn’t what they consider necessary (they’ve been irritated when I’ve called and gotten them because I wouldn’t make it home before them and they asked if there wasn’t someone I could get to meet them wnd stay with them).

This is my life. Doing everything I can for my kids and one always mad, saying it ain’t enough and competing with me over every single thing. Doctors who just don’t understand how my life is and give lectures. Family that are an hour away and don’t need my stress added for theirs. Family who couldn’t give a damn. Inlaws who have no respect or boundaries and are manipulative. A husband who seems to hate me for getting cancer because I ‘once looked at him with hatred in my eyes’ after my treatments and he ‘just can’t get over that’. Perhaps I was irritated at having to cook an hour after I got home from chemo? Perhaps I was in pain? Perhaps I was tired? Or perhaps he imagined the hatred in my eyes like I imagine him not helping and starting fights when I should be calm and resting. This... this is why I try not to drink. I get addicted easily. A family of alcoholics. It would be so easy to lose myself in whiskey or beer. This stuff is why I cut. And if anyone is reading this (probably not ebcause I plan to make it where only if an see it) or if I’m reading it again. It’s fine. Cutting isn’t healthy but neither is this marriage, smoking or how I view food most of the time. It’s healthier than drugs or suicide. And you know you won’t do it because the girls need you. They can’t be allowed to feel the pain and grieve I’ve suffered in the last several years. They will never question if I love them. Well the oldest mightbht I can’t help her at this point. Even the counselor can’t. If a little pain takes the emotional pain and stress away why not. And it’s not like it’s often. A few months ago I think and not even a scratch to show that I did it.

Counselor... and friend... ask how much more I can take. Do they think me weak? I’ve dealt with a lot. The kids stuff hurts the worst. She’s my oldest and quite like me. We should be the best of friends not mean girl competitors or whatever. My husband... is it so hard to love me now? Is it so hard to accept that too much outside stimulation sends me into a panic? Is it so hard to keep the tv below volume 40, everyone take turns talking or asking me things and when I’m getting upset, to be understanding and let me have 15 minutes to calm down while taking over for me? I do everything for him after his surgeries. I’ve handled his family for years when he just couldn’t and asked me to. I have been emotionally alone for 7 years now. So perhaps their question should be considered. How much more can you take Jennifer? Really, when is enough, enough. When do you get to feel special? Loved? Beautiful even though you have scars inside and out? Worthy? Respectable? When will you be loved for who you are and more than a mother, free prostitute, maid, personal assistant... hell, he couldn’t even list you as assistant coach of the team but expects you to coach one of the teams, handle snacks, getting info to parents, getting kids for the team in the first place.. yet you aren’t worth it the assistant coach title and he verbally tells people your rent the assistant just a helper. When. Will. I. Be. Free. ?

Don’t think I’m nuts but I write these like I’m talking to someone across from me. So to whoever is looking over my shoulder or hearing my thoughts. Do YOU understand? Do you think I’m crazy? I’m not suicidal. I can’t do that to my kids but I am honest enough to admit that I consider it. I know who to call if I ever start to actually consider it rather than think about it. So is my depression that bad, is it bipolar instead, am I crazy or have I just reached the point that I don’t give a shit? Or I care too much? To top it off I have the principle mad at me because I repeated what she said and she was reprimanded for it and now trying to convince me she didn’t mean it that way. Not a big deal but she’s making it into one. My kid is afraid this will be bad for her in school and sports but agrees I did the right thing by being honest when I was asked what was said. I just can’t win.

So now I get to find something to eat. Some protein. Or just say screw it and have a snickers. Oh how easy it would be to skip back into my daily snickers habit. Don’t want the real pop, the snack cakes and all that but snickers is a habit that’s hard to break. Upset....want a smoke.... consider a drink... consider a snickers.... eat a 100 calorie treat instead (after the smoke lol) See? Even when my life is miserable I can find reasons to smile. So I cantbe as horrible and as negative as hubby says I am. Set to private post. Get food. Have a smoke. Read a chapter in my book. Think of ways to get even that I wouldn’t ever actually consider but will bring a smile to my face. Bed. That order. Don’t fall into guilt depression and crying. He can’t love and respect you but YOU can love and respect you. And those girls. The youngest two would do anything for you and you know it. Reciprocate. Don’t let them turn out like the oldest. Shield them for their dads mental games before they turn against you too and so that they don’t ever feel like you do. They deserve to stay little way longer. You lost your parents, fought cancer yet can’t leave him? Figure it out Jo. Figure it out.

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1984 kcal

Fat: 67.25g | Prot: 104.00g | Carb: 254.75g.   Lunch: Tropical Smoothie Cafe Muscle Blaster with Whey and Splenda , Pizza Inn Bacon Cheeseburger Pizza Medium. Snacks/Other: Caltrate 600+D Calcium Supplement, Nature Made Vitamin D3 Adult Gummies, Nature's Bounty Hair, Skin, & Nails Gummies, Quest Tortilla Style Protein Chips Ranch, Wal-Mart Granny Smith Apple, Maruchan Ramen Noodles with Chicken Flavor (35% Less Sodium). more...

1627 kcal

Activities & Exercise: Shopping - 30 minutes, 3PLUS - 1 hour, Sleeping - 6 hours and 30 minutes, Resting - 16 hours, Apple Health - 0 minutes. more...