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bethinfriend's Journal

 
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29 June 2017

Hi all ,
I'm back online after a long period of time (123 days to be exact )
I'm studying engineering class at a school , and I been eating a lot lately due to
stress.

I think it definitely helps to update my journal entry everyday so I know i'm not alone.
At one time I wanted to kill myself because I also want to be like other girls who get a boyfriend,
for us Chinese, it's hard to get boyfriend if we are over 110 pounds. It's this thing I think I talked about
in my previous journals , that Chinese has this extreme beauty standard ,that doesn't matter what you look like, what kind of person you are , if you are fat , no one likes you , no boyfriend for you , you'll be a loner forever.

I'm not even exaggerating things ...I hate being a Chinese , people are so critical about other people's body image , they see celebrity on Television who are 170cm tall and weight only 90 pounds and think that is what every girl should look like.

I think i'll just starve myself until I become anorexic .....because even if I die , I want to be thin once, so I get acceptance from the community and acceptance from myself .

my mind is ill , and I am depressed every single day .....I hate myself but I know my family needs me and I can't die .....it's so contradictory that on one hand I want to kill myself because I have low self-esteem , on another hand I need to live to get a job and financially support my family ..

my parents are going to retire soon , I hope to save up and buy them a house so they can live better...but I don't know if i'm strong enough to live with a body like this ...

sorry for the long post ..

please don't criticize me , i know i'm weak and i'm such a loser
Weigh-in: 175.8 lb lost so far: 4.2 lb still to go: 79.8 lb Diet followed poorly
   (1 comment) gaining 0.3 lb a week

26 February 2017

Hello forum ,

First of all , thank you for commenting on my last journal entry ( the one I talked about how I feel bad about myself and low self esteem issue) I read all your comments thank you for helping me out ...I really feel better now.

Today I bought bento in a milk tea cafe because I was so lazy to cook ...I'm planning to do no dinner week this week . So just no eat dinner at all ~ and just eat regularly , but maybe I should cook , because they put a lot of greasy content in the bento that makes people fat ~

I'm preparing for my upcoming tech interview now ....everyday is stressful but I try to make myself feel less stressed but thinking positively . I'm still young and It's never too late to change career route , its never too late to loose a few extra pounds , nothing is too late ~ so I shouldn't feel bad about anything at all . I'm young and I'm alive? Isn't this good enough?

Something happened in my family , my mother went to see doctor and the doctor told her that she has breast cancer , stage 0 . She tried to hided from me but eventually she decided to let me know, I remember crying so hard when I know that she has cancer. She told me stage 0 can be treated and will not threaten her life in anyways but I still worry a lot about her . I just hope she gets well and her surgery is coming up and she will have a successful surgery.

My parents divorced when I was very young and my mom raised me up all by herself ,and I wanted her to have a good life that is why I wanted to switch to software engineering from behavioral therapist, because I was making so little money and I could barely support myself . For outpatient therapy we are paid so little and company always cut our hours .....Mom had to work continuously to pay for a lot of our family expense and I felt really bad to let her handle all the financial pressure by herself. I am studying very hard so I can give her a better life , and I can take away her financial burden. Right now I don't even have money to pay for her surgery but I'm working to change this situation.

I know that is a lot of information about my life I actually feel safer to talk about this here than in real life, because I don't want people to know too much about my life.

anyways , ttyl forum.
Hopefully everything will get better.
Weigh-in: 170.0 lb lost so far: 10.0 lb still to go: 74.0 lb Diet followed reasonably well
   (4 comments) losing 2.3 lb a week

23 February 2017

Weigh-in: 171.0 lb lost so far: 9.0 lb still to go: 75.0 lb Diet followed reasonably well
   (9 comments) steady weight

21 February 2017

hi forum

I been hanging out with a lot of friends ....eating a lot of good food and my weight just went up and down for the past month ..

For today I cooked some vegetable soup and just drink that for the rest of the week ~
no grease , no fat food , nothing fried , no junk food ..just soup

for the soup I found a magical weight loss soup if any of you are interested in it

main ingredients are : tomato and onion
optional : a sprinkle of salt , half spoon of nonfat vegetable oil to add some flavor ( i use organic avocado oil )

the trick is tomato is good at absorbing fat , and onion is good at decomposing fat ..so the two will work magically
as a vacuum machine in your body and just take all the grease and fat out and leave your body light and clean ..

This soup really works well for me ..I've gained 5 pounds from all the junk food I ate with friends.and I lost 5 pounds by just drinking this soup for a few days ... I do eat other stuff when I feel hungry but I just feel like the soup is a
really good cleanse and helps me to clean out all the junk in my body in a breeze ...

doesn't hurt to try , really recommend ~
( do not put other veggies in the soup , just sliced tomato and sliced onion (if you prefer to put whole onion and tomato in the soup ~ it's your choice ~(◦˘ З(◦'ںˉ◦)♡ i'm not gonna judge you haha )

ttyl
Weigh-in: 171.0 lb lost so far: 9.0 lb still to go: 75.0 lb Diet followed reasonably well
   (2 comments) gaining 0.3 lb a week

29 January 2017

hello forum ,

It's been a long time since I last updated my weight journal . I been busy with study ~ didn't watch what I put in my

mouth so I gained 8 pounds ....

taking a career shift is really stressful for me , I quit my job and lived on saving ..

coding is hard ..I wanted to go into the software development field but coding is just

really hard for me ..my logical reasoning skill is not as good as I thought it 'd be , but

I'm still trying hard to catch up with my course works and stuff ....nothing comes easy ~

nobody just do nothing and expect to get money ~maybe some people who has enormous family wealth ,

but I think higher paying jobs requires more hard work and efforts, so I didn't have a choice but

just to trust myself that if others can do it , i can do it too . Just like diet, if others can loose weight,

I can do it too . Even if I can't , but I should have a positive mind set, you know like buying lottery,

if you buy lottery , you may have tiny tiny chance of winning (extremely tiny chance) but if you don't

buy it at all , you don't even have that tiny chance of winning. I got nothing to loose, if I fail to make a

career change ? I 'll just go find a job similar to my previous job ~

my weight keeps going up and down ....I just feel sometimes I just let myself go ...I see starch I eat, I see

fat pork I eat, I see pizza I eat ..I don't even think about what I eat, I just keep putting those junk food in my mouth

LOL ......i'm almost done with my class (i have another one coming a few month after ) so once I finish my class I'll

need to really really focus on what I eat .

Another thing is I met this guy that I really liked , I wanted to be with him I think he's like the best guy I've seen for a

really really long time , so I do wanna loose a few extra pounds so I am more confident in front of him.

sorry guys I know every time I post a journal I always goes on and on and on ~ I don't really talk to friends about

my life or how I feel , but I feel more comfortable being myself on the internet ~ :D

have a good day
ttyl
Weigh-in: 170.0 lb lost so far: 10.0 lb still to go: 74.0 lb Diet followed reasonably well
   (4 comments) gaining 1.1 lb a week

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