Toumina's Journal

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15 May 2018

Doing some mental housecleaning today. Not really seeking support, more just like thinking aloud and getting it out there for accountability purposes.

One of the biggest revelations I had before recommitting to losing weight was that my hardest struggles weren't on the plate or in the gym, they were in my own head. And that hasn't been the easiest thing to admit to, or to continue to address.

I'm in a good place now. Jack is an amazing, supportive partner. My kids are getting old enough that they're taking on more and more responsibility for their own self-care and are able to contribute to the household work. I found a new career that doesn't require me to carry the world's problems on my shoulders. I've established firm boundaries with the toxic people in my life.

I've learned how to assertively communicate my needs to and expectations of others, and I have learned how to unequivocally, unapologetically say "no" without feeling like I need to explain myself to anyone for doing it.

So why do I still feel so... unsure... that I'm doing okay?

I'm not a religious person, but a former client was a Lutheran church, and the pastor there said something to me about how when we get closest to really making a positive difference is when things get hardest, that the closer we get to succeeding, the more we'll experience a crisis of conscience. He called this effect "Satan's Darts," and I think it's such a perfect description of this constant needling and self-doubt going on in my head.

I'm not sure how to combat this just yet, but I'll be reflecting on it for a while. If you've experienced something similar and have any suggestions, I'd love to hear them.

(8 comments)

10 May 2018

Managed to pull off a small success after getting back on track from the weekend!

Measurement Day
Bust: 44.25 (-1.25 4wk, -1.75 ov)
Chest: 39.5 (-1.0 4wk, -1.5 ov)
Waist: 41.0 (-1.0 4wk, -1.5 ov)
Hips: 50.0 (-1.25 4wk, -2.0 ov)
Butt: 49.5 (-1.0 4wk, -1.5 ov)
Both Thighs: 47.0 (-1.75 4wk, -1.75 ov)
One Thigh: 29.75 (-0.5 4wk, -0.5 ov)
Arm: 16.0 (-0.25 4wk, -0.25 ov)

Weigh-in: 226.2 lb

lost so far: 17.8 lb

still to go: 81.2 lb

Diet followed reasonably well

(5 comments) losing 2.2 lb a week

07 May 2018

I need to take a break from all social interactions involving food. The key to my success in the first month was self-discipline, but that discipline has been wavering, and it's pretty clear the failure point sits squarely on the convergence of friends, food, and alcohol (pick any two).

Jack and I have one more event we committed to for this coming weekend (thankfully with the keto couple from a previous post), and then we're going to take a month long hiatus from eating at other people's houses, at restaurants with others, or cooking for others (which results in me just mindlessly overeating during conversation and too many leftovers I feel too guilty to throw out.)

It's going to take a little creativity to make sure we're maintaining our social relationships in other ways, but it just needs to be done. This is the second week in a row that I'm looking at a weekend food log that is either way over, or I can't even begin to log because the foods are so unfamiliar and I have no clue how they were prepared. I'm already frustrated that this week's effort will just be making up for the weekend instead of making progress, and if I don't get out of this pattern, I know I'll end up giving up.

So, sorry friends, but I'm done for a little while. I need to put me first.

(7 comments)

03 May 2018

Just wanted to give a big thanks to all of you who supported me yesterday through the fallout from "the chickening". The damage doesn't appear to be as bad as I feared!

Weigh-in: 228.4 lb

lost so far: 15.6 lb

still to go: 83.4 lb

Diet followed poorly

(1 comment) losing 0.6 lb a week

02 May 2018

Gentlemen, you may want to just skip over this one. Your comments are always welcome, but don't say I didn't warn you that you may get more than you bargained for here.

I had noticed during the day yesterday that I was feeling very snacky and wanting to eat constantly, which is weird cause I normally never have snack urges. But I kept it controlled, figuring my body needed fuel and keeping the snacks healthy and within calorie limits even if I was a little over my 30% or less carb target. I planned on eating more protein for dinner to even it out, and all would be good. Then I noticed I was getting needy, like emotionally needy, and wanting to cuddle, and getting easily frustrated, and it was like, "Oh, crap. Frickin' PMS is here."

And then I went legit crazy last night, decided I wasn't cooking, and OMG I needed food, and the family needs to eat... and I ended up at Popeye's Chicken. Believe it or not, it gets even worse. We had to wait so long for our order, they threw in 6 dessert pies.

I still haven't logged all the food, and I'm struggling to bring myself to do it. I know it's going to be bad, like more than a whole day's calories bad. And really I just needed to put this all out here for accountability purposes and as I'm typing it's getting easier to own up to it and face logging it all.

But I'm just really disappointed in myself, especially after I commented on HardDaysKnight's journal yesterday about how I was finally feeling back in control after my weekend cheat, only to go food insane two hours later. And then to step on the scale today and see myself up a pound from last week. I know looking at my trending I bump up every fourth week just to have a big drop the next, so I'm sure some of it is because of where I'm at in my cycle, but I'm really afraid that that food monster is going to possess me again before I get through this.

And (deep breath) now I feel better having gotten this out. Logging on FS this morning was absolutely amazing seeing so many people celebrating reaching their small and major goals. You people truly are inspiring, so if you've gotten this far thank you so much for posting your stories! You really pulled me outta my self-pity party just by being you.

I'm gonna go log "the chickening" now.

(31 comments)

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