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showing entries 21 to 25 of 43
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21 October 2011

Well, I achieved my goal of 1lb for the week according to the eating disorder scale. I'm officially down to 245lbs! YAY! I don't have a weigh in next week because I don't have an appointment with my eating disorder therapist. But that's okay...Sarah tells me that very often in the third week people gain weight so I don't want to see that.

I've also reached my goal of going to the gym for four days this week. In fact, I've gone five. I've gone Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Thursday and today. And I'll probably go tomorrow after the movie. Sarah and I are going to go see Paranormal Activity 3 tomorrow at noon. And the theatre is close to the gym so I'll probably just hit the gym for a quick six miles before I head home. Might as well if I'm over there anyway.

I was a little disappointed that my weight loss wasn't greater on Thursday. I was hoping it would be more than one pound. It sort of brought my mood down and my therapist noticed. She asked why I was disappointed when I've been doing so well and have so much energy. She said I need to focus on how well I've been doing and how it's been making me feel to be active and eating healthy. I did explain to her that I would rather live in a world with no Quepapas or French Fries than live in a world where I'm out of control and eat the whole order of them. She said, "Try getting Red Robin to go so that you get just one order of fries and not a bottomless order." I told her that for right now I just have to be without french fries. She said that was fine but that she doesn't want me to do black and white thinking. So we're going to discuss that more. She's happy that I've been making lunches for myself and eating them. I told her that I've been eating healthy and not overeating. Especially when I'm out to eat I'm not overeating. For example, Melissa took me out to lunch on Wednesday to Applebee's. I got the French Onion Soup and Paradise Chicken Salad and asked for a box on the side so that I'd only eat half of it. My whole lunch was 480 calories. The salad is only half a salad I guess to begin with. But I still took half of it home and ate the other half for dinner. Tomorrow when we go to Red Robin I intend to do the same thing. Ask for a box on the side so that I will eat only half of the salad. I already know what I'm getting. I'm getting the Apple Harvest Chicken Salad with no blue cheese again. That salad is SOOOOOOOOOOOO good! I'm looking forward to it. I can't wait! LOL It's a salad and I'm drooling already.

I finally slept the whole night through last night. I prayed before I went to bed asking to sleep the whole night through and I finally did! Thanks be to God. Every night this week I've been getting up between 3 and 5am. This morning was the first morning I slept until my alarm. I thanked God as soon as the alarm went off. I was like, "Thank you God for letting me sleep all night." I was so happy! I called in sick to work on Thursday because I was up by 3am and couldn't fall back asleep. I only had to work 4 hours on Thursday because I had doctor appointment so I was like, "Fuck it." and called in. I didn't fall back asleep or anything...I dozed here and there and then just got up and went to the gym to work out. Then when I got back home I was able to nap a bit. But then I had to go to my doctor appointment.

Papa keeps sending me great supportive, and encouraging e-mails. Yesterday it was this:

Nik,


Top o da (Ranger speak) mornin' to ya!!!!!! Get some exercise today little noodleski !!!!!!

Love you miss you,
Papa

He calls me "Noodle" as a nickname so Noodleski is just a form of that I guess. LOL "Ranger Speak" refers to him being an Iron Ranger. In Minnesota there is this area called the Iron Range in Northwestern Minnesota. The movie Fargo's accent is based off of that area's accent. LOOSELY based. The part where he says "Ah Jeez" ... well, let's just say I say that a lot. A lot of Minnesotans that I know do. I'm from the Iron Range. So yes, I have an accent I've heard. Not as thick as the Fargo movie accent, but it's there. If you listen to my radio show you'll hear it. I've been called out on it before in the chat room. lol Anyway today's e-mail made me laugh. He told me that he won the $5 this week against his wife Vangie for the point system they have. I emailed him back and said "WOOT WOOT! Good for you!" And this was his response:

That's right WOOT!!!! WOOT!!! If this old man can do it, a pretty little young chick like you can too!!!!! So look in the mirror today and say "I'm one hot exercising, healthy living Babe!!!!!!!! And give yourself a double WOOT!!!!

LOL My papa is such a dork. I love it. I'm a lot like my papa...pretty dorkish. :)

Anyway...I hope you are all doing well. I'm off to go have my dessert now. I picked up some Skinny Cow Cookies and Cream Ice Cream Sandwiches. :) I'm going to go have one now.

Much love and God Bless

20 October 2011

Weigh-in: 245.0 lb lost so far: 5.0 lb still to go: 65.0 lb Diet followed reasonably well
   add comment losing 0.8 lb a week

18 October 2011

17 October 2011

So I have this Slim in Six ab work out that I can do when I get home. And I should do it. But I don't want to. Why? Because it's hard. It takes 12 minutes. That's all. 12 minutes out of my 24 hour day. And it works. It works really well..how do I know this? Because I've done it before. But I'm lazy and unmotivated and don't want to do it. But I have to do it if I want to fit into those jeans in six weeks. In six weeks I can wear those size 20 jeans if i do this work out. Hell, maybe even before six weeks. Why don't I want to do this damn ab work out? What is wrong with me? All it would take is six weeks of doing this ab routine. It's 12 minutes a day. It's hard yeah...but what...ugh. What is wrong with me? Why don't I want to do it? It's like not wanting to do the dishes. I have maybe ten dishes in my sink and they are just sitting there. I don't do them because I don't want to. I hate doing dishes so I don't do them. They just sit there. But tonight I have to do them because I have to make lunch for tomorrow. But I don't want to. And I'm going to find a way not to do them. I just know it. Why am I so lazy? What is wrong with me?

So my goals for tonight are these: Six miles on the bike at the gym. 12 minute Slim in Six Ab Workout. Do the dishes. Make lunch for tomorrow.

I can do this. I know I can. I need to stop being so damn lazy.

And I screwed up...I only went to the gym four days last week. I only went Sunday, Wednesday, Thursday and Saturday. But I reached my weekly goal of going four days a week. So that's good. Yet, somehow I feel disappointed.

I wish it were Thursday so I know what I weighed. I think I'm going to weigh myself at the gym today to see what that scale says. Just to see where I'm at. I'm just curious. Yeah, I'm going to weigh myself at the gym tonight. Just to see.

I washed clothes this weekend. I hate doing laundry so that's a goal I accomplished. :) But I prefer to do laundry over dishes. I really hate doing dishes.

Okay...I can do this. I will check back in tonight when I've finished my goals for the evening.

****UPDATE****

I completed most of my goals. I exceeded the one at the gym...I went seven miles instead of six! YAY ME! I did the Slim in Six ab workout. But I only did enough dishes to make and pack a lunch for tomorrow. LOL

I have decided that I want to get up early tomorrow morning and do my Slim in Six ab workout before work. So I'm going to shoot for doing that tomorrow.

I weighed myself at the gym...I'm down to 244 according to the gym scale. I hope that's what the scale at the eating disorder clinic says on Thursday!! Or maybe even less!! That would be rad!! I guess we'll find out!

Much love and God Bless!

****ANOTHER UPDATE****

I did the rest of the dishes. lol Now I have officially completed all of my goals for the evening.

16 October 2011

I've been doing good with the no soda too...I'm pretty proud of myself. I really miss it already. It's only been a few days. LOL But it's amazing how addicted you can get to that stuff! WOW! So now I've been drinking water with lemon in it or Crystal Light. Even when I go out to dinner I get water with lemon. No special concoction. No drinks. Just water. :) Well, other than today at Starbucks.

I want to have the problem that Sarah has...no clothes. lol She has this problem where she has like three sweaters that fit her because all of her other sweaters and stuff are too big for her. I want that problem. I have the problem of no clothes because all of my stuff is too small for me. Everything is too tight on me. I want things to be too loose on me. I know as long as I keep doing what I'm doing that will happen but it's just frustrating that it takes so long. Ya know?? Ugh. Everyone's like "Oh the heavier you are the faster you drop weight!" Yeah...not when you're on prednisone! My body is like, "Yay steroids! Let's hang on to all this fat for fun! Just to piss her off!" It's frustrating. Sarah is keeping her size 16 clothes for me. I don't know when I'm going to fit into those. I'm scared I won't be able to ever. Is that a fair fear? I'm scared that if I don't fit into them ever that I'll disappoint her. Or worse, myself. I'm at a size 22/24 right now. A loose 24 and a tight 22 jeans. And a size 24 top. All I do is ride the bike for exercise. I know that's not enough but that's all I can do right now because that's all I want to do right now. I feel good about it. But I know I should do more. See....here's the eating disorder coming out. I'm not doing enough. I'm not doing enough to lose weight. I'm eating healthier. I'm riding a bike. I'm doing the right things. I am doing enough. This is what Dawn was afraid of....me focusing on losing weight and not focusing on what being active does for me emotionally and physically. I don't want to be fat anymore. Okay...let me rephrase that...I don't want to be morbidly obese anymore. I want to be able to ride rides at Valleyfair and not have to walk away because I'm too big to ride them. That happened this year for the first time in my life...it was embarrassing. Sarah couldn't ride certain rides because of me. Rides she wanted to ride because I was too fat. She said it was okay, but I could tell she was embarrassed for me. And maybe a little embarrassed to be with me. But she'd never say that. I know she's worried about my health. I know that should have been the bottom for me. But it wasn't. I just pretended like it didn't bother me. But it did. It bothered me a lot. I was so embarrassed. I just wanted to leave and never go back. And to be honest that would be my resolution. Never go back. But no...my goal is to go back next summer and ride the rides I didn't fit on. And not have to check to see if I can ride the rides first. I had to do that for a few of them. They have a seat outside the line area to check to see if you can ride the ride. I'm sure it's to check to see if you're big enough to ride it, but for me I was checking to see if I was small enough to ride. Most of the time I fit. There was one I couldn't. Sarah and I blamed my bubbies...but it was because I was too fat. We both knew it. We just didn't want to say it. There were times when I they workers had to come and push the lap belts down so hard I thought I'd stop breathing. Poor Sarah looked like she was going to fly out. I didn't think the seat belts were going to fit. I'm 246lbs. I'm not thin. I'm fat. I'm over 100lbs over weight. Over weight. That's an understatement. I'm morbidly obese. I could die. Lord knows how unhealthy I am. I ate Quepapas like they were going out of style there for weeks. Just because they tasted good. Do I still want to eat them like that? Yes. But I can't. I want to live in a world without Quepapas because I want to live in a world where I'm not 100lbs over weight.

Time. I just have to remember that this is going to take time. I'm so not a patient person. That's my problem. I like things to be NOW. Sarah called me, "Miss Instant Gratification" the other night. lol She's right. I am. I like things to happen NOW. But I have to be patient. It is a virtue. I think God skipped patience when he made me. This is going to be difficult. It also sucks because I don't have my own scale. I wish I could have a scale. I want a scale of my own. Stupid eating disorder.

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