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LisaPhenon's Journal

 
showing entries 81 to 85 of 118
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01 April 2013

I can't say today sucked, but it definitely could have been better. I know where I went wrong which will help me to be more successful tomorrow. Had a protein shake for breakfast, and then I was so busy that by the time I sat down for lunch I was starving. On top of that, my salad wasn't fresh, so it didn't taste very good. Of course, I didn't finish it. So, I started snacking. I had a granola bar, and then I made dinner for the kids. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't resist the mac n cheese. I had a cup. Next, I had dinner which was a piece of grilled fish and broccoli. Once again, not satisfying at all. I went to Zumba, thank God. After Zumba, I was still hungry. I went it the kitchen with every intension of getting a low cal, sugar free popsicle, but I ended up leaving the kitchen with a bbq chicken thigh. LOL Now that I've written this journal, it sounds like the day was a total disaster. I think that I just have to be satisfied with my meals so that I don't snack. Oh well, you live and you learn.

01 April 2013

31 March 2013

Yesterday was horrible and I feel terrible about it. I decided to take the kids to lunch. We went to O'Charlie's. On the way there, I thought about what I would order. I thought maybe a nice salad or something with grilled chicken or fish. Well, when I finally sat there at the table and looked at the menu, I started talking myself out of the healthy options. As I looked at all the delicious options, I had thoughts like, "You've been doing so well. Treat yourself" "You worked hard in Zumba this morning. One little cheat meal won't hurt" "Indulged this one time and enjoy your time with the kids". Well, that's what I decided to do. I ordered a seafood platter... fried fish, shrimp, and fries, and of course, a margarita. I ate half the meal and got a to-go box for my left overs. Around 6pm, I decided to have my leftovers for dinner. As I ate, I looked up the calories that I had taken in... a whopping 1190 calories for one meal, and that doesn't include the margarita. Unbelievable! To top it off, I did nothing after lunch except for lay in bed and watch Netflix. I felt like a lazy failure. I just laid in bed thinking about how bad I suck.

I am in the process of changing my life, and I think I'm doing a good job, although I still have a lot to learn. First of all, I am bipolar and have bouts of depression. It's not uncommon for me to feel sorry for myself and have very negative thoughts about who I am. I worry about what other people think a lot, including my own children. I'm on four different medications... one for my moods, one for anxiety, one for depression, and one for insomnia. I have very lazy days and sometimes spend the whole day in bed. Of course, on these days, I feel like a fat, lazy pig. I have two teenage kids who work hard everyday. My son, 18 goes to school full time and works everyday. He stays up well into the night studying and writing papers. My daughter, 15 also deals with anxiety and depression and may begin medication soon. Still, she works hard in school. I worry a lot about how they see me. Once upon a time I worked two jobs, went to school, and took great care of them and their dad. Well, since my divorce, my disorder has gotten worse. I haven't worked in almost two years. I am waiting for a decision on disability since anxiety attacks and depression has caused me to lose several jobs. Within those two years I packed on around 30 pounds on top of an already obese body. Through therapy, I have been trying to piece my life back together one step at a time. I think I'm making progress, but still, I have a hard time giving myself credit for anything. My boyfriend and dad love me to death and constantly tell me how strong and wonderful I am, but I don't agree. I don't know what they see in me. I don't know why they love me so much. I avoid social gatherings because everyone talks about what they're doing with their lives, and I have nothing good to report.

So, step one was to start exercising. I'm doing well with that, especially zumba. I go faithfully three times a week, and I love it. The next step was to change my diet. Although I've had some bumps in the road, I'm doing well for the most part. I've also quit smoking. My last cigarette was on March 7th. I still have so far to go. I have to stay out of bed. I need to get up every morning, make my bed, and not get back in it until it's time to go to sleep. I need to eat my meals at the table and not in bed. I'm working on that now. I need to clean my apartment on a regular basis (which is my focus today). The next dilemma is earning some sort of income. That's complicated, and probably the root of my low self-image. I can't figure out what I will be successful doing. What can I do that won't end in failure and lead to depression? I was a preschool teacher for 15 years, which finally wore on me. It's extremely stressful. I don't ever want to do it again. I tried retail in a large department store and ended up having a panic attack on a busy day. All of my education is in child development so my options are very few. I wrote a book about my life and experiences which people seem to think is very good, but I'm really not proud of my life, so I haven't taken the steps to publish it. I feel stuck and not sure what to do next. I just want to keep moving forward. I want to be a success story. I want to be proud of myself.

One thing I know is that I'm a fighter. I will get through this, but I'm scared to death.

29 March 2013

29 March 2013

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