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Am I only worth how thin and attractive I am? Seems to me that that's just how it goes for us women.
I've never been thin. During my 24 years of life, I've never known what it felt like to be seen as something more than part of the background. I could be bubbly and happy and intelligent and kind - but being fat negated any positive qualities I had. When I walk into a store, I take extra care not to buy clothes that might make me look too confident or happy with myself. After all, no fat person would dare to actually be happy or confident! I never go out, it's too embarrassing.
I've never been the conventionally attractive girl who can simply sit around and drive in hordes of men. Men have never approached me, period. Barring online dating, I've never been asked out. People don't treat me nicely for no reason.
Who am I? I'm the fat girl who sits in the staff lounge alone, reading to stave off loneliness. I'm the girl who once tried to go beyond her comfort zone by going to a club all dolled up, only to be left standing alone all night. I'm the girl who feels ashamed of working out -- seeing all the other girls in their short shorts and sports bras, showing off their toned bodies -- while I struggle with my rolls to do a proper lunge.
So I stopped shopping for cute clothes and doing my hair.
I avoid eye contact with men so I don't give them the (incorrect) impression that I'm interested -- they may find it too disgusting.
I don't attempt to make friends, it hurts too much when I lose them.
I don't smile much anymore. There's nothing to smile about.
I keep my head down and patiently count down the days.
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185.5 lb
Lost so far: 29.5 lb.
Still to go: 75.5 lb.
Diet followed reasonably well.
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losing 2.5 lb a week
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 Comments
It hurts my heart to read your post. Time to start thinking positively and forget the reasons why you did the things you did because of your weight. Focus ahead only. Don't look back. Sadly, a lot of gyms are used as hook ups for the chippies looking for a man. Just remember that a gym is for health and exercise and use it for that purpose for yourself. There is no one you have to impress. Focus on your goals and keep up the good work. 30lbs. in 3 months is marvelous.
09 Jun 14 by member: ClassicRocker
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I agree with ClassicRocker it hurts to read your post but please know you are not the only one with the same thoughts running through your head. I feel you, its crazy to see someone else so brave like you to actually post what you feel. I dont have the courage like you --- probably becaus im in denial still but be positive and keep up the good work. Nevermind what you think others think --- its all those insecurities you have working against you. Dont be afraid to get out there and work out -- dont hold back from rewarding yourself with a new outfit every time you drop a size! You deserve giving yourself more credit because you are doing all this for you.
09 Jun 14 by member: cc90706
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It would be a sad and dreary place if we all looked the same. Beauty comes in all sizes, personalities and shapes. There is only one YOU! Enjoy what God gave you, hold your head high and ignore those who might have the nerve to judge you. You own YOU, they have their own struggles and journeys to do. Sometimes we forget everyone has some kind of issue, some can be worse than weight. Enjoy life. Some men, bless their hearts, love larger women and thoroughly enjoy the curves. Believe me, they are out there!
09 Jun 14 by member: kattay
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dont depress yourself start thnking positively and show the world and others that you can make a difference in both your life and other pip
09 Jun 14 by member: gezile
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You reach out, and here is the second hand that reaches back! CR gave you sympathy which you need. Now i give you a guideline, which you need too... This is NOT about the weight, trust me on that one. Write down for me, ten thing you like about yourself or things you are happy about owning or possessing... They might be things like: i am glad i can sing, or i am happy to have a little puppy dog. TEN things. please, you'll feel better!
09 Jun 14 by member: puhpine
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24 years is nothing to judge a whole life with - you have long years ahead and you'd better start loving yourself now and be grateful with what you have. We never appreciate the ability to go to the bathroom alone, you have legs to walk on, eyes to see, ears to hear - many people don't. You have an internet connection, many people don't have running water withing 5 kilometers. Stop pitying yourself and take positive corrective action, in a short time you will see the results. The health is most important, do whatever you do for yourself, not to please others. You can never please everybody anyway and you don't have to, if your job does not depend on it. And you know what? A beautiful body is attractive, but a beautiful mind which is a keeper :)
09 Jun 14 by member: AilaOne
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Thank you all for your support. I'm going through a depressive episode (for the past year and a half now...) so it's nice to have anyone care at all.
ClassicRocker - It's almost hard to be proud of my progress when I think about the fact that I've lost 30lbs and am STILL fat. But I agree that I need to focus on health and exercise, otherwise I may never get out of this horrible funk!
puhpine - Great activity idea! I honestly don't like very much about myself, but I can at least to come up with 10 things.
Thanks again everyone
09 Jun 14 by member: missnewbody
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Miss. I lost 30 lbs. and still weighted 216. You're way ahead of me. I know about fat. Look at my weight chart. 246 when I started. Okay... pity party is over. Time to get serious and love yourself.
09 Jun 14 by member: ClassicRocker
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Please please acknowledge that you are NOT alone! You are so young to be so down. I turn 51 this year, I have given birth to 4 children, on my third marriage. Believe me sweetie there are men out there who will and do look beyond your outer package. I have been overweight since I was 10 years old, My normal average weight for most my adult life is 184lbs. I am once again pursuing weight loss but on my terms. For me...if you don't do it for yourself, your health then it will never work. Trust me I know. Get out there and find an activity to do that makes you happy...even if it is just going out for strolls in beautiful areas, or seeing a free concert..there is a whole world out there just waiting for you!
12 Jun 14 by member: lkzimmerman
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