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Hi everyone -
Friday night was good. I didn't eat any chips.
Saturday I went to visit my brother in prison. It started off good. I had celery and cucumber slices for the drive. I ate well inside - I had a salad, almonds, and bbq pork rinds. On the way home I got a diet coke. I ate my celery and cucumber.
Then I got to my boyfriend's house. I had 2 thin-sliced pork chops and some eggs. I was doing well but this is what happens when you binge eat. The trip is stressful and you don't know what to do with the feelings.
You sit with them and then you try to use your "bag of tricks" to feel better. Mindfulness, journaling, taking a walk, fat secret, calling people...it's like being in NA - you are trying not to "use" the narcotic of food to fix it. The feelings don't stop. You are supposed to just "sit with them" and eventually they pass.
I am successful about 50% of the time. Half the time I binge because I can't sit with it anymore. This happened on Saturday and continued into Sunday.
I feel really bad about it because I don't want you guys to think that I am not taking this seriously or that I'm not trying hard enough. I don't want you to get sick of me. It's really hard to stop the problem. I dealt with it well on Friday night. I felt like I couldn't take it anymore on Saturday.
But I need to learn to sit with it or I won't lose my weight. I didn't use all of the tricks I have to avoid it - I gave up too soon because I had been sitting with it all day and I didn't want to try anymore. I wanted relief.
It is just substituting one problem for a different problem, though. You feel better from the emotions but then you deal with the emotions of obesity. I don't know why it is easier to be obese every day then to deal with 8 or so hours of unease due to emotions. That is a head-scratcher.
I know I don't have to come here and say what I did. I could keep it to myself but that's not honest and it's not being accountable. It is more helpful to type it out, get some feedback, and try again.
What would I do differently? Take a walk for sure. Get on FS and call out for help, even though I feel like I am constantly doing that, if I needed it I should have done it.
I am not going to quit.
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 Comments
be encouraged. stay strong. life happens!
23 Apr 18 by member: marshakanady
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@Ny_shelly, I cannot imagine a life under so much stress.
I don't even know how to relax under that circumstances.
However, I still want to you hold on and stay strong.
I don't know what you believe in
but I believe you can turn your life around and achieve your goals.
Best wishes.
23 Apr 18 by member: leon_tsai
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We won’t get sick of you! And we know it’s a battle. This is the place to turn when you’re struggling. Keep fighting and don’t give up!
23 Apr 18 by member: momma6224
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I used to work with homeless people, and a good number of them were addicts of one type or another. One of the things we frequently had to remind ourselves when we grew frustrated with someone is this - "relapse is part of recovery". And that applies to food issues as well. What matters isn't that you relapsed - it's that you admit you were weak, ask yourself why, learn from it, and plan for what you're going to do differently next time you find yourself in the same situation. It sounds like you're doing all those thing, so, forgive yourself. Understand that this probably isn't the last time it'll happen, and that that's okay, too. We all have a lot to learn, and what's most important is that you get back up and dust yourself off and get right back on track with your new plan. The relapses will start being further spaced out, until one day you realize it's been years since you've had one and you no longer have the same triggers present in your life or you've learned how to deal with them in healthy ways. Hugs.
23 Apr 18 by member: Toumina
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I hear you loud and clear, and I know exactly where your at. I had some issues this weekend myself. I couldn't even remember what I ate on friday night. I often turn to alcohol too when I am trying to cope. Not like Im a lush or anything but when your trying to loose weight even one beer is half a meal calorie wise. So then I feel just as guilty as if I had eaten a hot fudge Sunday. I won't get sick of you if you promise not to get sick of me. I'm trying to use all the coping skills in the arsenal too. This accountability in a public venue is new to me. I'm not used to sharing this with anyone. Even when I was married I never shared the real struggle with my husband. He was tall and thin and ate whatever he wanted, how could he ever understand, and if he felt he needed to loose weight he would drink less soda and drop 20 pounds. Problem solved. The struggle is real my friends. Food is an addiction, one you can't just avoid either. Although on my last successful go round I put a scale in the kitchen. Reminded me to stay out of there when I wasn't hungry. Sharing is what this site is all about, use the hell outta us sunshine! LOL
23 Apr 18 by member: Berly1023
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NY_Shelly - Thanks for sharing your experience with us. Addiction will tell you it will be OK this time - and then once you start down that road; the cycle begins. It is an obsession of the mind coupled with an allergy of the body in the form of craving. I know for me, when this occurs that I ask God to do my work and I will do his work. The cravings will always pass - at least this is my experience. I understand that it is not easy or simple. I wish you all the best on your journey.
23 Apr 18 by member: tahoebrun
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Thank you for all of the kind comments and support. I am back on track for today and I am going to my workout after work (in about an hour). I think I have in my head I can't get past a weekend without a binge so I need to change my attitude towards that mental block. It's a work in progress so I will just keep trying!
23 Apr 18 by member: ny_shelly
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A lot of people put their thoughts in here so you can come back anytime and go through the journals if you really don't feel you can reach out and ask for a prayer or two.
23 Apr 18 by member: abbadabba
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You are so brave to share your experiences. We are here for you! Food can be an addiction in some just as bad as drugs. Please be encouraged that you are able to speak about it to help to move past it.🌻
23 Apr 18 by member: lilpurplebug
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You are foing what you can to overcome it Shelly.🤷🏻♀️Know that it’s a process and I’m right there with you. 🤦🏻♀️I got some really devastating news to my personal financial future this weekend and KNEW I would binge to deal with it. I stress eat. It’s the way I’m made. I work it out by eating things that are a great lot of bulk for a few calories. My smoothies have LOTS of ice in them and I freeze 2 out of the 3 I make per blender full so that they take me more time and effort to eat and slow me down. I eat broccoli slaw in low carb wraps or in lettuce wraps with meat or with seeds and a bit of balsamic vinaigrette dressing. I had a salmon salad today ( a first for me.) With less than a 1/2 tsp of dressing. The salad really didn’t need it and I’d never had an fish but tuna on a salad! LOL My point is girl, we all will find ways to try to cope with our stresses. You are doing that! You are making those ways healthier and that’s what’s important! Next time think about a relaxing bath with a candle and a cup of good smelling tea and Epsom salts to relax your muscles and some aromatherapy oils in the water, or light music while you hum and dance in your socks on a slippery floor? LOL Whatever will break the tension and make the moid better! 🙆🏻♀️
23 Apr 18 by member: smprowett
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