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It's a frustrating morning. I'm REALLY angry with myself and my choices yesterday. I gave in and threw everything I know and everything I have learned out the Windows because of Wife's frickin' cakes. Cakes became bigger dinner which became chocolate. What a load of crap. Enough!
I haven't dropped ANY weight, and I'm way higher than I want to be.
Take control, Keld. NOW!
I HATE that this is happening, and I hate even more that it's clearly my own fault. Trouble is that I knew all the way that what I was doing was wrong, but it didn't bother me enough to quit.
It's now 3.50AM and the punishment is a 90 minute bike ride. No mercy. Back on track. No Indulgence Day Saturday. I really need to focus. I don't want surgery dsy to suddenly be there and have them stall it because I gained weight. Not gonna happen.
So starting today it's 100% focus. No excuses. On the bike EVERY day for at least one hour - 30 minutes if I'm truly tired, but no less than 90 minutes this morning. I need to dedicate and do this right.
There. I feel better after my little bit fest. You want a little cheese with that whine? LOL!
It's serious, though. It's amazing how fast old/bad habits can creep back into our schedules. I know what works. I know how to do this. I know the dangers out there. I know what will make me gain and what will make me lose weight. I just choosento ignore it and not use the tools and knowledge that I have gathered. Why? I can't give you a good answer. I didn't even really enjoy all the stuff I ate.
It's all part of the addiction to food, I suppose. I think that my mind has taken me too much off the weight loss journey and too farminto a maintenance mode that is clearlynand obviously wrong.
I need to change my mindset on maintenance. I've been here before, thinking that having more calories available equals eating more crap. Not so. Having more calories need to equal eating more quality foods, and chocolate cake is not a quality food, no matter what you might think. :-)
It really shouldn't be too hard to do. Ivendone it for ages, so why is it so hard to do with 500 calories more available per day? It's strange...
I do hope behaving so badly and feeling like this today will make me refocus. I do NOT want to be above 80 kgs any longer. I even have to expect a weight gain tomorrow, which will probably take away my blue bar. Now, THAT is gonna suck!
FULL FOCUS ALL THE WAY, KELD. EVERY CALORIE COUNTS, AND COUNT EVERY CALORIE!
How's that for a new slogan? :-)
On a much more positive note, Wife had her 2nd "cake day" at work yesterday. Make a couple of American and Mexican cakes for our coworkers and the loved it! I think she's slowly building a fan base!
Of course, she practices making her cakes at home. We're hoping that this is gonna be a regular part of her job, so it's necessary to know what she's doing. Trouble is that I've been living among cakes for the last week, and been home sick and feeling sorry for myself. Bad bad combination. It's like "Gorillas In The Mist", but with cakes instead of apes, and the evil doers (me) eat them instead of killing them.
I've told her to use daughter as a guinea pig instead of me, simply because her cakes are too dawn good and one little bites wakes the car monster. She has full understanding of this, of course. She doesn't want me on this slippery slope either.
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I'm really excited about having the surgery approval. I'm terrified of messing it up. It's important to be weight stabile and right now I don't see myself being there. So I need to work on this.
I'd like to say thank younto all of you commenting on my journal yesterday. It was very heart warming. I know there is a whole gang of you guys cheering for me, and I will use that as motivation to find my groove. I can't let neither you guys or myself down like this.
I gotta be strong. I feel that I can take the control back. Thanks for letting me vent (not that you really had a choice... LOL...)
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Tonight, I'm rocking out with The Black Peanut. It's last rehearsal before our next live gig, so it's an important one. We're basically going through our three full sets, not too much talking between songs, no adjustments to anything, just playing., as if we had an audience.
It'll be fun, as always. I'm always looking forward to these Fridays, it's always fun, it's a night of breaking out of the rut and it's about my favorite thing - music. It just doesn't get any better than this.
I hope you guys will have an excellent weekend. I wiil, even if there will be no indulgence day tomorrow. We're having guests, so the challenge will be to make everything fit into a normal food schedule. I'm dropping my calorie intake to 1800 again until I've got the weight under control. I was for a moment considering 1600,but with a more consistent exercise schedule, I don't want to go lower.
I think that's all I need, and to keep my head in the game. Actually, keeping my head in the game is probably ALL i need to do. I will just put the extra effort of lowering my intake, until I'm back where I want to be.
Today I'm thankful for:
- Getting me big butt in gear!
- Friday!
- New dedication. It better last!
- Up early, with the single purpose of kicking my own butt on the bike! 44 minutes to go! I can do this!
Wow. I feel much much better right now than I did when I started writing this journal. It's amazing how writing can clear one's thoughts and help you find answers to all the questions we have. If you're one of the people here who ony read journals, but doesn't write one, I HIGHLY recommend doing one. You don't know what you're missing.
This completely made my day - and the day haven't even started!
Life is good!
Diet Calendar Entries for 20 April 2012:
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1337 kcal
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Fat: 53.17g | Prot: 70.68g | Carb: 149.96g.
Breakfast: Egg, Rye Bread, Sliced Ham (Extra Lean). Lunch: Chicken Meatballs, White Potatoes (Flesh and Skin), Carrots. Dinner: Brussels Sprouts (Frozen), Frankfurter. Snacks/Other: cucumber, French or Vienna Bread (Includes Sourdough), Cream Cheese. more...
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3685 kcal
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Activities & Exercise:
Bicycling (slow) - 11/mph - 1 hour and 30 minutes, Sitting - 5 hours and 10 minutes, Standing - 5 hours, Sleeping - 6 hours and 30 minutes, Music playing - 4 hours, Walking (moderate) - 3/mph - 20 minutes, Desk Work - 1 hour and 30 minutes. more...
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