jaime30024's Journal, 01 August 2017

So I turned 47, and another birthday that I have let myself down with regards to my health....health being weight and exercise. Not to take away from the dedication I have had over the month of July, because that trip to my daughter really helped me start the month off and stay on track. I did take four days off with the exercise, but I have been having pains in my left foot and taking it easy. The break seemed to really help. Unfortunately, I also strayed from my lower carbs and tracking my food. However, I knew I was going to be back at it yesterday and it felt great to be on the treadmill with less pain. Also, got to face time with my daughter this morning (she is deployed) and I mentioned to her that I had to get back on the treadmill that I had been off it for four days. She said that she noticed that I hadn't had any activity....we both have apple watches and are connected so we can see each others activity log. The exercise helps with fighting depression too. She has been enlisted for four years, but outside of boot camp we talk almost daily and when she was in boot camp she wrote to me daily occurrences and I wrote her too. I guess you could say that she is also one of my best friends. So this deployment has been difficult because we no longer have our daily talks. I don't want her worrying about me and my health like I worry over my mom and her health. My mom has COPD and lung cancer and as long as the cancer is not growing then that is good news...otherwise there is nothing to be done. Mom has finished any radiation and she is on oxygen 24/7; it makes me sad for her because I know how active she was and going and doing all the time. I know how she is in pain sometimes but she keeps it to herself. So this stress / emotional eater has been struggling and I guess maybe this journal is my first face to face with the ugly truth of the stress that I have going on in my life and confronting it. Journaling has always helped me, and maybe just putting it down here will help. I don't want to seem weak and I feel like I need to be strong for my family so I keep this to myself. My DH lost his mother to cancer and he loves my mom and as much as I know he asks me how I am I feel that I have to be strong in the face of him too. He gets so upset about my mom how can I break down if he is tore up? Then that makes me angry. I think to myself why can't you see that I need you to tuck your pain away and let me be in pain!!!!! When I visited my daughter I told her I knew the exercise would help me because I have been so stressed with worrying about my mom and then we have my BIL staying with us right now (he just retired and moved back here and is working on getting a place). He is great, but he is a bachelor for a reason and it is wearing to have our routine disrupted for so long...we are approaching three months and I think we are at the finish line finally. Then my husband had this stress with his work that he was coming home everyday about how stressed he was and it was stressing me too, but what was I to say. There was a part of me that wanted to scream do you think I am not stressed too? I have work stress...steel is crazy right now...I have stress over my Mom...I have stress over your work stress...I worry about my daughter being put in harms way. I just keep it to myself, but I could feel myself being sucked in to the vicious cycle of darkness. I started considering making a doctor appointment and telling him this and that I was once on zoloft and maybe I needed something I felt so sad all the time. So I told my daughter this (with the exception of my worry over her) and I told her that I knew I needed to get back to running because that release of endorphines I knew would help me. It has helped, but I know it is a slow go. So I will keep going for my peace of mind. Because I know there are times when I run that I cry at the same time but it can't be seen because it mixes with the sweat. For anyone that read this I am sorry to seem like a Debbie Downer and for all the rambling, but I consider this the beginning of my purge to regain control of myself and to have an outlet for my emotions.

---

1073 kcal

Fat: 68.59g | Prot: 57.58g | Carb: 15.04g.   Breakfast: Daily's Hardwood Smoked Honey Cured Thick Sliced Bacon, Fried Egg, Torani Sugar Free Vanilla Syrup, Nutiva Organic Extra Virgin Coconut Oil, Green Mountain Coffee Breakfast Blend K-Cup. Dinner: Foster Farms Hot 'N Spicy Wings. Snacks/Other: Crystal Light Energy Grape, Daiquiri, Rockstar Inc Diet Rockstar Energy Drink (Large Can), Lemon Juice (Canned or Bottled), Bragg Organic Apple Cider Vinegar. more...

3325 kcal

Activities & Exercise: Showering - 10 minutes, Walking (moderate) - 3/mph - 3 minutes, Walking (brisk) - 4/mph - 2 minutes, IFit treadmill - 1 hour, Desk Work - 8 hours and 58 minutes, Sleeping - 8 hours, Resting - 5 hours and 47 minutes. more...