Bloody Tuesday again and I have a hot date with the scales.
Here I am snuggled up in my blanket press all alone. All I said was “morning sweetheart” and there was a streak of light as she left the pit heading out into the house. I just wanna stay here not interested in getting out yet but that voice , oh that voice yelling to get my fat lazy arse into motion along with a demanding bladder neither which can be ignored.
This is all I can complain about and I am feeling deprived. Can’t complain about not feeling well, nor a headache, no surgery, no pain (yet), no overeating, No maltesers, no wine, I can even walk further than 50 yards to the pub and proved it by walking straight past McDonalds and Pizza Hut both in the same day, Oh dear, how boring is that huh ?
Now preparation and planning prevents Pi^s poor performance so let’s do a little planning here.
I had a tip last week when a Buddy asked about shaving my eyebrows.
You know what, I never even considered that what a cracking idea so step one, put new blade in razor.
Having loaded the razor good old “gob almighty” turns up with that supercilious look on her face to ask what the heck (well she used a different word but I am sure you clever lot will interpret) do I think I am doing.
I told her about my Buddy suggesting removing eyebrows to save a little more weight.
She gave me one of her looks, you know the sort, that look which only a woman can give.
Her eyes drifted south and it came to me instantly so offered her the razor asking for assistance.
Now let me tell you this. My wife has a good command of the English language but the words she uttered are not for printing and I can’t spell some of them anyway. She was last seen disappearing into the kitchen saying something about breakfast and a “pervert”.
I went a stage further ending up with a bald north and south and a little chilly around the ears.
In came her with the” big gob” looked at the floor and left the bathroom without comment. Wow thinks me I got away with that rather well. Not so, “motor mouth” returned holding a vacuum cleaner in her hand and I was the recipient of another one of those looks along with a verbal battering as she cast doubt and suspicion on my intelligence.
She left the bathroom yelling over her shoulder, clean the bloody place up smart arse.
Now how the hell she knew that, I have no idea as she never looked behind me at all, not once.
Now it was time for a shower and being completely bald all over puts whole new meaning on the phrase “The Naked Truth”.
Now the normal routine, rings off, teeth out, glass eye in water, cut toenails, cut finger nails then I head for the throne to sit and wait for mother nature to do her bit. I can even contemplate my navel now my belly is smaller, not seen that for a while either (the navel).
Water tank empty, ballast tank checked and confirmed empty, wife walks past eyes raised up tutting like a demented chicken as her head moves from side to side then I head for the scales to see what the lying hunk of springs and balances has to say today. I should be able to see the screen today as my belly has receded somewhat and I actually saw my toes this morning as I stood shaving. No need to call “rent-a-gob” to read them anymore.
The results of my week is a loss of 1.4 kg or 3 lbs in funny money, not bad I am satisfied with that.
I have decided to try something completely new for a week or so just to see how it works for me.
As you can see in the picture below, I have received some professional advice, so from today I am going to try this “fasting” lark and believe me I will stick with it no matter how hungry I get.
So, told her who controls the shopping list to cut down on the crisps, the cheese and no more Mars Bars but to increase the cakes and scones along with a few pork pies and biscuits as I am going to fast. This not eating between meals will allow me time to sit and enjoy the above in the evening when meals are over and I am watching TV.
As usual with my journal readers are reminded that I am here to enjoy life, any derogatory remarks about my wife are made in jest only, she is a truly lovely lady who supports me fully but you do have the option to smile it can be infectious you know.
HEALTH WARING……………………………………………………………………………………………………….
The information in this journal is not the opinion of Fat Secret or any person associated with same.
The journal is not intended to insult or upset any person living or deceased.
Any similarity to another individual is purely coincidental.
Readers are to avoid laughing such activity is not conducive to good Fat Secret practice.
This journal was written slowly for the benefit of Mrs Maths who is not a fast reader.
