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Today I went to the gym for the first time in about a year. That first step was terrifying. I've been so scared. Thank God for a wonderful friend who wanted to use the gym membership that I've been paying for to go with me! We had a wonderful time laughing and working out. It felt really good to have my heart rate be right where her's was with me being 100 lbs more than her. that was encouraging for me. And the fact that there were all shapes and sizes in the gym.
Back in November of 2011 my husband broke my heart. I had been working so hard to make our marriage work. He had told me he was disgusted by my weight and that I was lazy. I was pregnant with our second child at the time. After having our daughter I worked hard every day at losing weight and lost over 70 pounds. We were at the Marine Corp ball and he was drunk, grabbing other women's asses when he was dancing with me. There I was... all dolled up, looking gorgeous, after working hard for over a year, and he was wanting other women over me. I was devastated. I was ready to end our marriage that night. I even called the attorney the next day to file. After a few months of marriage counseling we decided to stay together.
We've been married almost 13 years now. The hurt is still there. I still fear he finds me gross. Our sex life has declined. :( So taking this first step back into the gym since the disrespect he showed me has been huge. I allowed the choices he made that night to control what I did the last 3 years. It was wrong. I'm wrong. I shouldn't have lost the weight for him. I should have done it for myself.
I'm fighting. I'm fighting for myself. I'm fighting to live longer for me! I want to be able to do all the fun things my girls want to do with me. I want to be able to chase my girls and to have energy. I want to feel comfortable in my own skin. I want to feel proud of myself when I look at myself. I want to know that I am worth it. I am worth the blood, sweat and tears it's going to take to get where I need to be. My life is a blessing to others, and I want it to continue to be a blessing, but even more so. I am worth it. Even though I feel unworthy I know that I am. Breathe in and fight, Alicia. You are an overcomer!!!
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273.0 lb
Lost so far: 3.0 lb.
Still to go: 128.0 lb.
Diet followed poorly.
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losing 0.0 lb a week
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