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(heavy sigh) Okay. I’m going to have to except for right now anyway that Wednesdays are gonna be hard for me. I have a standing apt. with Dr. M. and for the past two weeks (just when I think I’m okay) I’ve gone off the deep end once I leave her office. …and we haven’t even begun the work yet. She’s still taking my history. I didn’t expect to be so raw all the time. I guess I’ve been suppressing for so long and finally..how does the song go…I’m finally ready to break the shell. India Airy…it’s a pretty song…something like…
”Child, it’s time to break the shell. Life’s gonna hurt but it’s meant to be felt. You cannot touch the sky from inside yourself. You cannot fly until you break the shell…”
Okay, I’m babbling. Let’s get it together, Paula.
So, after my apt. I wasn’t as strong today as I was last week (tongue in cheek). We went to subway last week and I was able to get exactly what I planned to get and no more even though I really wanted to just dive into that menu and …well…you know. I got home. I ate and then began to fall apart for the next three days screwing up my meal plan all “Willy Nilly”.
This week, I didn’t plan for a fall apart. It started with the candy from the dollar store where I went to get a simple soap dish and moved on to completely ditching my eating plan (I didn’t have the energy to even cook the things I had planned) and just going straight for the comfort food that was available to me, mushroom soup…canned mushroom soup. Ate the whole can and the crackers and the ham…complete disaster ending in a crying fit and then falling asleep in front of the tv trying to make myself laugh. All the memories are coming up again and this time I can’t block them anymore. All the mechanisms I had in place are gone. Guess it comes from being in a good place for so long now. I can’t fall apart again for three days. Eventually its gonna catch up to me and the weight won’t move. I went way over my calories today. I’m praying…
I’m looking at notes I took in one of my classes I think last week’s actually. Problem identification and solutions or something like that. I need to identify the problem and then set up a plan of solutions.
Okay, so PROBLEM: “emotional” Wednesdays and losing cohesion and control and wanting to curl into a ball and just cry after sessions seems to be the problem..wanting to comfort myself in those old ways I used to do with food.
SOLUTIONS:
a. Plan the fall apart day. Usually the first part of the day goes well so plan my menu around the fall apart time which is mid afternoon to evening so far. This has two meal times in it. Save most of the calories and selections for around that time.
b. Make a list of easy comfort foods and find recipes that will fit into my meal plan. Make and store these dishes ahead of time so I can just go to them and not have to cook or anything. Do not buy processed versions of these foods.
c. Find some other recipes that fit into my meal plan of appropriate foods and try to make them my new comfort foods. Ilove cottage cheese, I could have eaten that instead of the soup. That might have worked.
d. Go ahead and cry. Maybe do that first before eating and perhaps I won’t eat as much?
e. Call somebody? God, I hate dumping on people though. I’ve never been a fan of this one. Here I am having a lousy day and they might have been having a good day and then I call…and then there’s times when no one I trust is available. Ugh!
f. Maybe write it out like I’m doing now except don’t wait till it’s over to do it but as soon as it starts. Probably will turn out to be even more scatter brained than this entry. Lol!
Well, here’s some place to start anyway.
Praying for peace and love. Take care everyone.
Diet Calendar Entries for 14 September 2016:
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1598 kcal
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Fat: 59.77g | Prot: 106.98g | Carb: 150.40g.
Breakfast: Roasted Broiled or Baked Chicken Drumstick, Greek Nonfat Yogurt Vanilla. Lunch: Pumpernickle Bread, Italian Sausages. Dinner: Vegetable Classics Creamy Mushroom Soup, Bison Bacon Cranberry Bar, 42% Lower Sodium Ham, Multi Grain Crisps Snack Crackers. Snacks/Other: Peaches Gummi Candy, Water, 800 Peanut Butter Chocolate Bar, Unsweetened Almond Milk, 800 Chocolate Shake Mix. more...
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5364 kcal
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Activities & Exercise:
Housework - 4 hours, Resting - 11 hours, Sleeping - 9 hours. more...
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 Comments
Best thing is to plan for these bad days. If you can make ahead good food and freeze it so all you need to do is reheat it on those days. Even a processed Lean Cuisine would be better than blowing your diet for the day. Package a snack into correct quantity portions ahead of time. It helps. Most of all, let people help you. Don't feel like you have to be a rock and an island.
14 Sep 16 by member: LuciusR
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I think you nailed it when you said "cry first." Sorry you are reliving old traumas. I hope you come out the other side healed. I'd say let Wednesdays be cream of mushroom soup day.
15 Sep 16 by member: LadyinDenim
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I had an incident recently that opened up old wounds and took me on an emotional revisit of the past. The past is a minefield and I try to make peace with it one explosion at a time. I have an app on my tablet that's called Barbara Clark's Release, Heal and Transform, it's a guided meditation for things like guilt, fear, shame, anger, blame. It's loaded with positive affirmations and it really seems to help me when my own coping mechanisms are failing. I have discovered that my inner child needs attention and a way of expressing herself, but I acknowledge the fact that she is a child and does not make responsible choices, so like I would any child who is throwing a tantrum and demanding candy, I deny her and find something more productive for her to do to express herself. I have some adult coloring books that seem to satisfy. It's never easy and it's always painful, but as an emotional eater I have learned to refocus my energies elsewhere and not try to fill that painful hole with food because it just makes the problem worse....you end up dumping guilt in the mix and that just makes the hole deeper. As one old-timer said - "When you find yourself in a hole, the first thing you do is....stop digging!"
15 Sep 16 by member: debrafrederick
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I react to stress in the same way as you, chocolate cheap and cheerful being best!
Then guilt and followed by " May as well continue" attitude, hence my weight.
Please be kind to yourself and realise you are not alone but we will win in the end.
15 Sep 16 by member: Vita oldie
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I hope you can work through this hard time. we are all here for you.
15 Sep 16 by member: iulani
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I love your plan! Sometimes we just have to accept therapy will open up a few wounds but that is how healing happens. Planning ahead for it in a productive way is an excellent idea. Also, finding other ways to self-soothe besides food helps - bubble bath, buy yourself a bouquet of flowers after the appointment, indulging in a favorite movie, getting you nails done, massage...anything that can work
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I totally understand you, my plan went to trash this week as well..then I got a bit down, and that unchained downhill afterwards ..I'm trying to get back in the horse as well, struggle is real man; but if we just keep trying is going to get there. My little tips are:
-sleep instead of eating.
-don't buy it.
-tons of water
-clean your place until super neat.
-pin't nails and brush teeth and any way of pampering really.
15 Sep 16 by member: 13dias
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