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For those of you who have missed my many mentions ... the book I am reading is "Maximum Achievement" by Brian Tracy.
This past week I have had numerous migraine auras ... I've already had one this morning. I am supposed to drive out to Priest River to see a family but am thinking I might not go ... just in case I start to feel poorly. I have to decide in the next 5 minutes.
I'm not exactly in a funk ... but know that something needs to "give." The scale is going the wrong direction. It read 212 this morning. My last "official" weigh in here was 25 days ago at 204.2. I think I need a "come to Jesus" meeting with myself and figure out what the problem is. Clearly I need to shift something. I'll remain positively focused though ... because I know the alternative, does not work.
The weekend was good. Even with the migraine auras. We enjoyed a nice BBQ with our friends yesterday, although the weather was not truly BBQ weather. I made an awesome salad. We had fresh tomatoes, zuchinni, and cucumber in it from their garden!! We also had some "picked off the stalk" corn, steaks and garlic bread. Then, a slice of cake to celebrate my girlfriend's birthday. So, more food in the evening than is typical ... but overall good food (minus perhaps the garlic bread and the cake!!).
Okay, I decided not to drive to Priest River. Although right now I feel fine. Turns out though my colleague isn't making it either ... so I guess that is the way it goes.
Anyway ... I am learning so much ... but clearly I need to do something different. What I am doing with my weight isn't working. It is really a challenge to remain "positive" in that regard. I can feel every cell in my body wanting to pull me into diving into a starvation diet, doing something drastic, or alternatively saying "what the hell" and going through the drive-in at McDonald's. I want to cave into feeling bad. I can feel the frustration lurking. I want to blame something. Anything. And yet I KNOW I AM COMPLETELY RESPONSIBLE. I am responsible.
There is this concept ... homeostasis. A fancy word for how a system comes to maintain its own balance. When we try to shift things, whether it is a habit, a relationship, whatever ... there are forces that work to maintain the "balance" and resist the change. I feel like that is the struggle I am in. I am actively working on changing my homeostasis ... changing the way I view myself and the pull I feel .... is myself really, trying to keep myself in line ... make sure I stay feeling bad about me ... keep that balance.
But of course I am indeed grateful ...
1. For a fairly productive and lovely weekend.
2. For the determination I possess to change.
3. For the option of cancelling my appointment this morning.
4. For migraine medication.
5. For this place of support, encouragement, company
I feel foolish ... writing this but still I will:
I weight 180 lbs. I crave health foods. I am satisfied by healthy foods. I take care of myself. I am kind to myself. My body loses weight. My wood shed is full. I have money for a vacation in Mexico in February 2012. I earn $100,000 a year. I am organized and efficient. I plan well and follow through. I am an expert in my field. People pay me for my expertise. Health and harmony reign throughout my mind and my body. I like myself!! I love my body!! My business grows everyday. Today something wonderful will happen to me!!
Deep breath.
Okay ... time to focus on work. I hope you all are having a good day today. Take care of yourselves!!
Diet Calendar Entries for 26 September 2011:
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1364 kcal
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Fat: 30.76g | Prot: 123.05g | Carb: 143.60g.
Breakfast: Body Fortress Whey Protein Powder, Blueberries, Oikos Plain 0% nonfat yogurt, Barleans Flax Oil, Silk Plain Almond Milk, banana. Lunch: chicken breast meat, Cottage Cheese. Dinner: minute rice, chicken breast meat, stir fry vegetables, stir fry sauce. Snacks/Other: Rold Gold Cinnamon Pretzels, potato crisps, Cashew Pretzel Zone Bar, Luna Protein. more...
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3279 kcal
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Activities & Exercise:
Driving - 2 hours, Desk Work - 8 hours, Sleeping - 8 hours, Resting - 5 hours and 25 minutes, Elliptical - 35 minutes. more...
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 Comments
I wish I could help... It seems that even though you eat more you still have huge deficit every day, could it be too much? Do you feel hungry? Without eating more volume, you can increase your fats (healthy ones of course) and decrease the daily deficit. Olive or coconut oils could help. Also be careful with high glycemic index food (like fruit, cereal bars or flour based foods) they might prevent you from losing faster. Always go with veggies first! I didnt tell you lately but I still love reading your journals and your lists...
26 Sep 11 by member: jessyline
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Thanks Anne. I am afraid I'm just old and my body doesn't want to lose weight anymore. I do feel hungry. Quite often. Usually I eat though.
26 Sep 11 by member: madaboutmoose
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Hey sister...this is exactly where I am- grateful,and yet frustrated with not being thinner- wanting to lose the weight, hating the scale and tighter clothes...ughhh. I've had a few discouraged days lately but keep on keeping on- it's all we can do. I want the magic- the diet- the motivation- the something...and I started wonder book- it's next to my bed at the moment. I am excited about having something positive to think about. Just don't give up!!!! We can't do that!!!
26 Sep 11 by member: sharonfriz
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I agree Sharon. Not giving up. Can't afford the new clothes!! LOL!!
26 Sep 11 by member: madaboutmoose
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Mooooooooooose!!!!! Ugh, I know I haven't been here on a regular basis in a long, long time. I feel badly about that - not just for myself, but for my friends. I'm so sorry that your still having such a hard time with everything - I'm still in the same boat, but (at least right now) I see a light at the end of the tunnel. You just need to find your light - Run to it Carol!!!
26 Sep 11 by member: MomofTwoGirls
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LISTEN up SHARONFRIZ! It is time to start changing EVERYthing you do! Start w/ a good stretch when you get out of bed, next give yourself a pep talk. Let yourself know you are WORTH it, you LOVE yourself, and you even BELIEVE in yourself. Seriously. I did this. I had the hardest time believing in myself. I also convinced my self that baby steps work and that everything I did was a smarter choice. I even did cold showers. I wanted to shock my body. CHANGE it. I wanted to lose THAT bad. I honeslty had a thought the other day Moose, I bet you can't lose because you are eating too much fruit. Yes. Its possible. Maybe smoothies are causing harm. I also agree w/ Jessy, your deficit is way to big. You need to stop working out so much! I've told you this. Your deficit should be about 500. Bars, sodas, alcohol, sf stuff... think of those having 'hidden' chemicals that put your body into homeostastis, that natural foods, good veggies, solid good for your grains would not do! Ok, so revamp your foods. Start choosing one thing. How about raisins and salt free sunflowers or pumpkin seeds (upping GOOD fats) instead of bars? Thats whats in my desk at work! Then change the way you think. Convince yourself and BELIEVE... don't tell Densible, lol... but I am POSITIVE that is the party she's been rocking out at! :)
26 Sep 11 by member: cindyshine
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Oh Cynthia that's a great comment. I didn't want to say too much about the fruit, but I definitely agree with you on that and on the un-processed food choices. The only thing I would say is KEEP WORKING OUT lol! But eat what you should eat to get a reasonable deficit. Ok, one thing about exercise. How long have you been doing the same routine/movement on your eliptical? Maybe too long. Time to change that too! Walk, ride a bicyle, run, or get a new workout on DVD. If you want I can send you mine, I don't use them anymore. You can do it Carol!!
26 Sep 11 by member: jessyline
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So true Jessyline, thank you.. work out has to change too. Add weights, too maybe? :)
26 Sep 11 by member: cindyshine
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Good morning my dear friend, I admire your continued determination to conquer your demons. Its a lifetime pursuit isn't it? When you say you feel 'foolish' before you write your affirmations, doesn't that default the affirmations? No need to feel foolish here, this is your journal, your thoughts, your journey. I am so glad you let us share it with you. I look forward to seeing what your next steps will be. PS: I agree that you may want to rethink smoothies if you are indeed drinking them ( I haven't checked your food diary) they are way high in calories! and its mostly sugar albeit natural sugar from the fruit. I do not mean to beat your a**, you do enough of that on your own - lol, just saying is all. Wrapping my arms around you in a BIG HUG.
27 Sep 11 by member: sarahsmum
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I agree. You shouldn't feel foolish about anything you write. These are your feelings and this is the place to be free to write about anything you are feeling. We all have these feelings at one time or another and we are so lucky we can come here and voice them and know that we are accepted and loved. You will get this all together. I for one know you will. I have faith in you even when you are lacking faith in yourself. Why don't you just try setting some little goals...little achievements sometimes really give us the most motivation. I hope you are migrane free today and feeling much better. Love your grateful list as always. Talk to you very soon Carol.
27 Sep 11 by member: chattycathy1955
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Heard that cindychine! Funny thing is you are sort of right. Moose-I felt same way-at a crossroads, either do something different ie "drastic" or give up and be a fatty until my heart gives out or I get diabetes. Cindy gave me the same talking to and I opted for change. For me it was no sugar or carbs and lots of protein. No sugar included fruit. I eat it now but can tell right away when I eat too much, I gain a pound or two. I dont know what will work for you but ii do know that change does happen. I hate that feeling of fighting myself to break free of the closed system. I know u will not give up. We won't let you!
27 Sep 11 by member: Densible
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