dbdmom's Journal, 30 July 2015

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Been gone for awhile. After Lent ended, I just wound up reverting to eating everything in sight. I mean, gluttonous/binge eating.

After a month or two of this, I probably gained back almost everything I had lost during Lent. And, when you're not wanting to be accountable to anyone..you start avoiding the places that you fear you'll run into people who will hold you accountable. Like FatSecret.

Finally, I began assessing why it is that I know (have long known) exactly how to eat better, and why I can maintain healthy eating for a short period of time, but I can't continue it. It's obviously something that I can't do on my own, using just my own desire/will.

Why was I able to be successful during Lent?

Well, that's different. That was a promise to God. I had to tow the line. I mean, if you sneak food--God knows, right? When Lent was over? Obligation no longer in place, left to my own devices, the pull of eating anything and everything just won over.

So, that got me thinking. Maybe I need to promise God, not just during Lent, to give up excessive calories.

Whoa. Hold your horses. I couldn't do that. That would require....commitment. Long term commitment. What about birthdays? Anniversaries? Graduations? Holidays? Holiday seasons? Celebrations? Showers? Parties? Going out to dinner? Movie theaters? What about all the times/places when food is soooooo important? Who wants to eat cucumber slices at all of those times?

I fought an internal struggle for weeks and battled with this notion for quite awhile (meanwhile, eating anything & everything I wanted and gaining back almost everything I had lost during Lent). I was afraid to promise God. I was afraid to commit. And finally, I settled on a long-term plan that I thought I could do. That I could promise to do for God. For forever.

If I could survive on 1200 calories per day during Lent (except for Sundays), I thought 1400 would be a reasonable life-time daily number to shoot for. Monday through Saturday, I could average 1400 calories per day, for a total of 8400 Monday - Saturday. I could go a little over or a little under on any given day, as long as I stay at 8400 or less for Monday - Saturday.

That way, if I know that there's something special coming up on a weekend, then I could "bank" my unused calories earlier in the week to use in addition to my 1400 on Saturday (or Friday night). Sundays would still be my freebie days to splurge.
Then, I did it. I promised God.

And--the instantaneous result was amazing. Not instantaneous weight loss, but it was so instantaneously FREEING. LIBERATING. And that was so surprising to me. It's no longer a struggle having that internal conversation/battle: "Ooooh--I want that! But I shouldn't! But I really want it. Oh, what the heck." Nom, nom, nom, nom..... then guilt. And unhealthy side effects.

Now, there's no decision making left (other than making a selection of something that will fit within my calorie range, which needs to be healthy in order for my restricted calories to also be satisfying). It's work, and it takes time and planning, but the struggle about deciding to choose good vs. bad food every single time I eat a meal or a snack is gone. I always have to choose healthy or choose a very small portion (for those not so healthy, high-caloric items), and I have to faithfully log all the foods I eat to make sure that I comply with my promise.

I haven't been able to consistently do this for *me* and my own health benefits over the years. I haven't been able to do this even with the knowledge of *what* to do. I haven't been able to do this for my kids. Or my husband. Or my doctor(s). Even though it is for my own benefit. But, I can do it for God. But I had to promise Him to do it first. I had to promise Him first before I could actually make it a change for the rest of my life.

I'm back folks. I'm logging food intake on another site, but will resume making weigh-in posts here and looking to this community for continued inspiration.

I don't have a target date to hit a certain weight, and I don't have a specific size I am trying to get into. As long as my doc is pleased with my progress by the time I have my next 6 month check-up, and the one after that, and the one after that, etc., then I'll consider it a victory.

Cheers,