Arrevanthas's Journal, 27 May 2015

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Today has been extremely difficult for me and it took me a bit before I finally had my ah-ha moment. This moment came thanks to reading Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline. Today’s chapter was about positive intent and how it is best to attribute positive intent to things/events rather than assuming that everything is negative and basically against you. There was a part in the reading where she talked of how, when you are feeling a certain way, you tend to react based on how you feel at that moment. She gave several examples and one just really struck a chord with me because it made me realize WHY I binged yesterday.

My binge was a way of me trying to push those feelings of inadequacy aside and “soothe” myself with comfort food. Binge eating is not the answer…and I think that is why I have been able to push through today. I mean, yeah, I am not the skinniest of girls but you know…I am generally a happy person who is working hard to not only get healthy while raising two girls but also a strong independent person who sometimes is too stubborn to give up. I like to think that I have a wonderful personality and that trumps my physical appearance. I try to assure myself that I am worthy of receiving love and shouldn’t question it when it is offered. I should accept it, embrace it and return that same feeling.

You attach a negative emotion to things you do or fail to do and instead of brushing it off, you are reinforcing that you are not good enough. I don’t want to feel like that…and gods know I do not want my daughters to feel like that. So I have to be a better role model and accept myself as I am. Both girls are going to have a hard time when they get older with society telling them that they aren’t good enough so it’s my job to ensure that they are happy, confident and can look at society and say “F*ck you!”

It just really makes me sit down and think about how I want both girls to not have to worry about health issues or being made fun of or feeling inadequate yet I feel those so keenly. How can I possibly prevent that in them when I can’t even feel that way about myself? Yes, I have been through hell…abusive childhood…a couple of abusive relationships…so why do I define myself in those terms while hoping my children won’t follow suit? I am their role model. They look to me for guidance, for appropriate behaviors and ultimately, what to model themselves after. I think it is definitely time that I start listening to my own advice and to start practicing what I preach. Yes, it is easy to say these things, it’s harder to implement but if I make it a point to do this, then I will be that role model that my girls NEED. Yes…they NEED to see it.

Daily Summary
*Focus T25: Speed 1.0 is still one of my favorites though it was very hard for me to get through. I stopped a couple more times then I would have liked but I really did need to catch my breath. I am not feeling 100% today but I still managed with my workout.

Plank: 20 second plank was hard. I was super shaky but kept telling myself over and over again that I can do this.

Yoga: TBA

*Steps Taken (Goal-5000): TBA

*# Cups of Water (Goal-14 cups): TBA

*Record Everything you Eat: TBA

*Stay in Calorie range: TBA

*Park further away: TBA

Diet Calendar Entries for 27 May 2015:

1462 kcal

Fat: 78.99g | Prot: 66.80g | Carb: 115.09g. Breakfast: Silk Pure Almond Milk - Original. Lunch: Tyson Foods Boneless Skinless Chicken Breasts, Kraft Zesty Italian Dressing & Marinade, Sunnyside Farms Hardboiled Egg, Mushrooms, Kraft 3 Cheese Mexicana Shredded Cheese, Baby Spinach, Lettuce. Dinner: Burger King French Fries (Medium), Burger King Whopper Sandwich. more...