2ManyCurves's Journal, 12 November 2014

I've dropped about 8 or 9 pounds in the last few days. I still have a long ways to go to get back down to where I was...and then to think I have another 40 pounds on top of that to still drop. I'm still logging intake. Just have had no appetite so I didn't eat yesterday.

I'm going to warn you that this is a downer journal. But, I really need to get my thoughts out somewhere in the universe so that maybe I can get some relief. Since I'm somewhat anonymous here, this is going to have to serve as my weight loss/life journal.

I just really feel unloved. I appreciate all of the comments on my previous journal...and I'm trying so hard to pull out of this, but it just isn't happening. It is a dark hole that I can't seem to escape. I once felt that my spouse was my best friend. But, when I try to confide in him all he wants to do is tell me about all of my flaws. I know my flaws. I want to try to fix them. I've been begging for him to show some interest in me. How sappy and desperate is that? It is hurtful that he spends so much time conversing with other people...texting them all of the time etc. when I rarely receive a text or call. We work opposite shifts. He is working two jobs. He doesn't have to. We would be ok financially if he only held one job. But, he chooses to work two for the extra money. He leaves for work before I get home and doesn't usually even bother to tell me he is leaving, goodbye or say those three little words I yearn to hear without me pulling it out of him. My first husband had an affair. I spent ten years trying to figure out how to avoid that situation. I always heard that you should make your man feel like a king. So, I try to do that. Made sure he had a sporty little car. I tell him daily I love him and comment on how attractive he is. But, it feels like it all flows in one direction. It is starting to feel like my first marriage all over again. Maybe I am naturally jealous or suspicious. And, he is, of course, attractive, outgoing, flirtatious and works in a female-dominated profession. He drives a sporty new car that gets him plenty of attention. I recognize that I have my insecurities. I'm just feeling more and more insecure each day. It feels as if I have to initiate any emotional contact. He changed after the heart attack last March. Or maybe I did. Maybe he didn't change at all, I just became more aware. For instance, I learned in the hospital following the heart attack that he has a female best friend that I never even knew about. She visited frequently bringing him Starbucks alone when I wasn't present in the room. At one time, I had been downstairs in the hospital pleading with the IRS not to issue a tax levy against us only to come up to the room and find her sitting next to him on his bed. She left but then spent the entire afternoon texting my husband. I got ahold of the phone once he drifted off and told her that I felt she was disrespecting me. I battled internally over whether I was over-reacting. And, he told me that she was in fact his best friend. My stepdaughter made a comment during lunch at the hospital one day about "who in the world was that woman who keeps sitting all up on Dad's bed." Maybe it was harmless. I guess men can have best friends of the opposite sex. It just hurts because I thought that best friend was me. Now, I check out my cell phone bill and see tons of texts all night long, not from her necessarily. I'm pretty sure I scared the shit out of her, without even making a single threat of bodily harm. They are mostly to women he works with. Maybe it is just fear of losing him following the heart attack that makes me so insecure. All I know is that I feel very alone right now.

I was hoping running would help. I ran yesterday morning before work. I tried to talk to him once he got home from work to tell him how I was feeling. We got in an argument over my son. I know much of the things we argued about, he was right. I do push my son to excel in school. I worry and fret over him excessively. I just wanted to give my son all of the opportunities I never had growing up. I am perhaps a "helicopter" parent. But my intentions have been just to make sure he has available every opportunity to become successful. Like being a wife, I am pretty much failing at being a parent too.

I have a massive amount of chemistry homework this week and two tests. It is hard to focus on completing them at this point. It's hard to make it to work without bawling like a big, fat baby every morning.

I just don't really know what this life holds for me. 2ManyCurves clearly doesn't just apply to my figure.

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2183 kcal

Activities & Exercise: Dance (fast step, aerobic) - 1 hour, Sleeping - 23 hours. more...