myawethinTICself's Journal, 28 March 2014

It is interesting esp when you comment *Is there evidence that others *think* me beautiful? * and it's so challenging that we often need that reinforcement from others rather than just going on our own opinion and faith. As discussed in your comments on my journal (and no, no offense taken) that need began somewhere? Who was the first woman to ask 'does this make me look fat' or 'do you think he thinks I'm beautiful' and how did it get passed down to us? This insecurity that far exceeds humility. Re your suggestion to me - my ignoring my pains and aches began long before junior high - it began with being abandoned at birth. But thank you for the suggestion. I continue to examine and with each unlocked door know I'll find my ultimate happiness. I have it now and then in spurts and that's good enough for now. 

I love you Bella. It *is* interesting isn't it,my comment, seemingly indicating that my opinion doesn't have merit & so I must seek reinforcement elsewhere. It is, no doubt, a hold over from my past because I truly couldn't care less about anothers opinion of me(except Jehovah's). I'm glad you brought it to my attention. It's something I hadn't noticed in myself,who knows, maybe it was this days assignment that has caused it to surface. Either way,thanks,I appreciate knowing. Now to omit it from my speech unless I truly *do* care for anothers opinion. :D  

i have never met a single person that didn't have something beautiful about them. it's sad that so many of us struggle so hard to find the beauty in ourselves, when it's so easy to see it in others. 

Well said TIM. :D 

I love you too dear. I know part of my struggle comes from a generation when beauty has been measured by these ever thinning and younger looking cover girls. Had I lived in the times of Rosalyn Russell and Marilyn Monroe it would have been a little more realistic. I saw a documentary a while back where the woman is force fed from birth because the 'larger' she is the more attractive she's considered in their circles, tribe, location. I'm getting better about recognizing the beauty within myself too and agree this challenge is helping. I think I was hypersensitive to your comment about yourself because I too am trying to get these 'qualifiers' or worse disqualifiers out of my own speech patterns. I've always described myself as 'wouldn't stop traffic but wouldn't stop a clock.' Now I am wondering about that in the same way of 'if you don't love yourself, how can you expect anyone else to do so' with the same thought about 'if you don't consider yourself beautiful... ' etc.  

It's funny (not in a hahaha way) that while I read your comment BELLA,"my struggle" to see in *my own eyes* what my true image reflects or should reflect may have been imprinted by my Fathers words (from a song)"A woman ought'ta have a lil meat on". I was the one out of 9 kids that he chose to name & that he chose to take with him everywhere he went,so I really desired his approval & love. Any time my younger sister(who never in her whole life wore over a size 3) would make a fat comment about me & then try to get *him* to side in with it,*that* is what he would say.No denial that I wasn't fat(which I know *now* that I wasn't).No reprimand to her for her words to me. Just words that seemed to me to imply he agreed with her & that I *should* "have a lil meat on",which *could* have implied to *her* that she was too skinny altho' I doubt it as his words always brought a smug smile to her face as if silently saying:See.Dad thinks your fat too!But even tho' the words he spoke were perhaps meant to "spare" me other words he spoke more often *stuck* with me 'Don't do as I do,do as I say!'However ACTIONS speak louder than words & the TV show *he* always watched was 'Hee Haw' with 'Nurse Good-Body'. Growing up I *believed* I was fat altho' the largest size I ever wore was a size 7 & that was in my high school yrs clear thru my 3rd yr in my 2nd marriage!My largest was at 131 & when I weighed that much I was pregnant both times.After each birth I weighed less than 100 lbs (98 to be exact)& my husband then (the childrens dad,my 1st)said;"Are you sure you had the baby cuz you look like you could have another one?" When I married the 2nd time I was 119 lbs & fluctuated between a size 4 & 7. 3 yrs into that marriage *I chose* to "get fat" because I knew he felt fat women were "a curse" & after trying numerous other ways to keep a distance between us *that* was the thing that worked. As you,I have lost the weight before & I will again. But it is learning to be successful at accepting the good in ourselves & how to face & shed all the bad & the ugly that for various & sometimes unknown reasons we accepted as part of the deal. Pity parties don't work altho' we may feel somewhat better afterwards I like the words of Cindy Lane Ross & those of Robert Kiyosaki: "To succomb to ones demons or to prevail over them will hurt either way,& I say, forget the pity party." ""It's not what you say out of your mouth that determines your life.It's what you whisper to yourself that has the most power."