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I've been so preoccupied with the party planning I hadn't yet answered a question left on my journal earlier this week regarding eating and the possibility of curing the compulsion and addiction associated.
Mindful eating HAS indeed helped me with this weight loss and making peace with food in ways that calorie counting, food restrictions and good old eating disorders never did in the past. But, my take on it as asked, when you get to the core of it we're all human and the best we can do is recognize our weaker links and call the welder.
I recognized the chink in my armor was telling myself 'year two and maintenance is when it get's hard' because by golly it was. I'd become the soothsayer of sabotage.
Our minds are amazing tools but in my case it's like a chainsaw in the hands of a grizzly bear. Day by day I have to practice to remind myself that holding a positive outlook, focusing on my strengths, and having faith that I'm on the right path will bring me the results I'm seeking.
I remembered I still don't respond well to criticism and threats despite how well I do it to myself in that endless looping script in my head. Some people I read here 'do' - they write the most horrid of judgments to themselves in their journals about that 'thing' they ate or that 'step' they skipped in exercise class. It seems to motivate them and that's great. Whatever works.
But for Me? Not so much. I often considered a Private Benjamin career growing up but knew I'd not make it through boot camp. After a childhood of abuse, I wanted to be as far away as possible from people yelling at me. I'd have gotten stuck on the barbed wire fence trying to escape on the first day - that is - if they'd ever gotten me off the bus.
Can I cure or heal my eating compulsion? Yes. I have faith that I can. Little by little, day by day, sometimes moment by moment just getting past the clutter and breaking my bad lifelong habits. When will I be done? Well, I estimate I have right up until the last breath I'll ever exhale leaves my lungs to get it perfect.
Meanwhile - I am going to continue my Cruise of Faith and tell myself 'I can do this' instead of 'I can't'. I'm going to remind myself "I got this" instead of "oh... that's gonna be tough..." And if I find a weak floorboard, I'll call the carpenter and move on.
And I believe with that I've exceeded the metaphor usage for a single journal so I'll call it a day. Hope you are all having a good one too.
Bella
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 Comments
Yes, yes, 1000X YES!!! Every word you wrote is spot-on!
It's taken me all my life to break the negative self-talk habit. I'm still working on it. Congrats on this insight!
05 Sep 13 by member: Mary in LA
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I love that " like a chainsaw in the hands of a grizzly bear". So wonderfully descriptive.
05 Sep 13 by member: fatoldlady
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Great stuff, Bella. The way we think, positively or negatively, has such dramatic yet often invisible effects on our bodies, as well as our lives. Thinking positively is definitely a habit and, as you suggest, practice makes perfect.
05 Sep 13 by member: *Starshine*
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Excellent journal, and so 'right on'. Changing our 'stinking thinking' is very important. And remembering that each day is another chance to get it right. I doubt anyone will ever be perfect but it's a goal. You sound so much more positive thesse days so I am grateful that you appear to be having more good days than bad days, and that you are finally healing. I'm sorry you had an abusive childhood, I can't imagine (having a daughter myself) how a parent can abuse their child. Perhaps it wasn't your parents? My mother was brutal in the name of discipline, today she would have been charged if not imprisoned and I too hate loud confrontations, any confrontations. So we are all a work in progress sweetheart and right now your are progressing beautifully. So inside and out you are becoming a butterfly from the cocoon (spelling???). Blonde wig, sexy boots, calmer and happier - there is just no stopping you right now.
05 Sep 13 by member: sarahsmum
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Excellent journal, as always. I think you are dead on in regards to the positive affirmations and the "I can" way of thinking. Take small steps. My dad always told me that the moment you say "I can't", you're gonna be right about it. We don't need that. Of course you can. Of course I can. Of course WE ALL can, once we put our minds to it. :)
06 Sep 13 by member: kingkeld
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Great journal! I just love your positivity. I've been really struggling to break the obsession and the cost has been some weight increase. Its really hard for me to value which is more important - not being obsessed 24/7 with eating (or not eating!) vs. being at the weight I want. We'll see how I feel about it tomorrow lol.
06 Sep 13 by member: Bkeller1023
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Thank you for the response. I tend to think that every challenge is something that life is trying to show/teach us. And with you, this weight challenge/compulsion, the pay off had to be to show you what amazing talent you have as a writer. If it weren't for your weight challenge, you would not have started journaling on FS, and through the appreciation of others, you must be able to see your talent and gift. I trust that if it didn't validate your gift, it at least drew attention to it! The course you could consider is Creative Writing for this fall. Who knows, maybe this avenue will lead you to a great career! Life is strange that way. Finalizing all of this into a writing career would be the ultimate reward, and give a meaning for all the suffering.. And your first book should be dedicated to all your FS friends!!! You have nothing to lose...
ps - I'm sure you already knew you had great writing skills, but to have people acknowledge them in such a great number surely can open a window of possibilities. You can even become a 'ghost writer'...
07 Sep 13 by member: NowIunderstand
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Awesome Bella and yes you CAN do this. Yes it is hard but Yes you are strong and wonderful!
08 Sep 13 by member: chattycathy1955
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