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I just got done watching The Invention of Lying. It wasn't quite what I was expecting, and it has left me with a wierd feeling. I have always daydreamed about things being perfect. Me being pretty, rich, happy. I know that there are pretty people that aren't happy and I know that their are rich people that aren't happy but I have always dreamed of that make believe world where I am. Things worked out the way we wanted them to. I would be skinny and pretty and not have to worry about bad things happening to me. My house would just be clean because I want it to be. I would have energy to go out and play the sports and wear the cute bikini. That I would have the man that treated me like a princess. Well I did get that man but for only 3 short years before he passed away 10 months ago (an unexpected accident, that I prefer not to talk about). Maybe that's why the movie made me feel this way. It ended happy everything did work out. I know this is just a site to come to for weight loss support, but right now this is my only form of journaling, so here it is. My depression...my low self-esteem, and no amount of weight loss is going to change the way I see myself, so I have to open it up right now, and start working on that. I deserve to love myself, I know I do. It is so hard to be happy right now, yet its easy to be happy on the outside that everyone has to see. But you get the raw me. It's wierd, my emotions are so mixed, I'm not like the depressed girl that hides away head down, never smiles. I'm the outgoing, laughing girl. I love God and I know he loves me, I love my family and I know they love me, and I guess that's what keeps me going, that is what allows me to have that real smile each day at least once. I don't know where I am going with this, my mind is going everywhere right now, with a million thoughts in each direction. I'm the one that helps people with their problems, I don't do this, and I don't understand why I'm journaling this. Every sentence I type out I have to debate whether or not to just delete this whole entry. I'm not going to...I have to get this out, even if I'm not really making any sense. It's helping this feeling go away. I just want to be happy, I want to have the energy to go to work, come home, make dinner for the kids, clean the house, get them ready for bed, get up on time to workout, get them ready for school, and then start all over. I want the energy to do that and then still be able to take them out, play games, run around, play soccer, clean the yard, do projects with them, help them with school work, volunteer at their school, pay the bills, do healthy food shopping...how am I supposed to do all of that? It's overwhelming...and that's not even everything...
Ugh, self-pity is no fun! and where does it get us? nowhere. I can only do what I can do. I haven't been doing the best I can, so I need to just start doing the best I can, and then be truely happy with that.
I'm going to start with just loving myself...I have to, I have no choice, it's who I am and I'm a good person.
Diet Calendar Entries for 05 September 2010:
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992 kcal
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Fat: 33.43g | Prot: 26.03g | Carb: 150.13g.
Breakfast: peach, Instant Oatmeal - maple and brown sugar. Lunch: Soft Taco - Crispy Potato, Fresco Grilled Steak Soft Taco. Snacks/Other: Calorad PM, Tap Water, French Vanilla Creamer, Coffee, Tap Water, Sugar Free Cough Drops. more...
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2537 kcal
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Activities & Exercise:
Sleeping - 8 hours, Resting - 16 hours. more...
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