suechru's Journal, 05 September 2010

It's funny how emotional meeting a goal can make you.

This morning, I hit my first goal and was elated and walking on air for part of the day. I decided to "go public" and posted a status update to facebook. Which kind of started the congrats and also the questions.

"How'd you do it?" "What kind of exercise do you do?". It's well meaning sure, but I don't think I was mentally prepared for that. In my mind, I'm still starting out, this is still early and I don't think it's entirely sunk in yet that I'm well into the journey and not taking the first few baby steps in secret.

I went to look at iPods and was thinking about how my ticker was probably going to turn orange soon. And a really weird thing happened, I got scared.

The weight is the last big excuse, the last place to hide and I'm realizing that I can't do that anymore. Not that I'm trying to hide, not that I even want to hide but it's like suddenly there's just naked stripped honesty. And I want that, I want the honesty, but it's terrifying.

In so many ways, I'm getting the impression lately that people expect me to have answers. I've been through an amazing amount of crap in my 20s and I'm here and recovering/recovered depending on how you look at it. But I don't really still have everything figured out for ME yet, never mind giving answers to anyone else.

I think so much of the fear is that this is really happening. This is really working and then I won't have an excuse anymore. It's so easy to hide behind the fat and use it as an excuse. I don't have a boyfriend because of what I weigh or whatever other excuse I like to use. I know losing the weight doesn't cure anything, it doesn't make things automatically better. But what if things don't change and I'm still single (and get very few dates even) at goal? Then what?

I guess this is all on my mind because I have a lot of friends who seem to be pairing off like it's Noah's Ark these days and the number of single people in my circle seems to be dwindling. I've always been somewhat overweight (even as a teen) and I'm ridiculously nerdy so that makes kind of an awkward combo. I guess my inner insecure teen is coming out today. LOL

It's just been a very emotional day, I guess.

Affirmations for today:
1) I don't have to have answers for anyone else, I just need to work through things for me

2) Being honest and open about this subject will become more comfortable with time.

3) Hitting a goal is a very emotional thing, both positive and negative. I need to focus on the emotions, feel them and release them.

---

1783 kcal

Fat: 35.09g | Prot: 101.46g | Carb: 166.50g.   Breakfast: halo farm, stevia, iced coffee, Greek Style Nonfat Yogurt - Pomegranate, water, whole wheat bagel thin. Lunch: Water (Bottled), Sesame Wheat Sticks (Salted), Cheddar or American Cheese (Fat Free, Pasteurized), Dijon Mustard, Oven Roasted Deli Sliced Turkey Breast, Bagel Thins - 100% Whole Wheat. Dinner: cucumber, Crushed Garlic, light mayo, trader joe's albacore tuna. Snacks/Other: Red Table Wine, Cucumber (with Peel), water. more...

3061 kcal

Activities & Exercise: Walking (slow) - 2/mph - 20 minutes, Housework - 30 minutes, Driving - 2 hours, EA Sports Active - 9 minutes, Resting - 13 hours and 1 minute, Sleeping - 8 hours. more...