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I need an outlet. Today is just bad and I've been letting my emotions build up under the surface for quite some time now. I just need somewhere to ventilate because I'm tired of being a sponge, and I just need to wring myself out. Commence a bit of swearing...I'm pissed.
I couldn't work out today. Not because I'm tired or sore; but because I'm grouchy as hell. I'm snippy and short tempered for about a week now. And I know darn-well why. Stress. Responsibility. Obligations. Worry.
My son needs tubes put in, a surgery we can afford but it's going to cost us our savings. We had to cancel our big trip to the amusement park. Draining our savings leads me to my next point...
My grandfather is battling some sort of lung cancer (final diagnosis pending). And he lives too far away for me to help or even just to visit. He is like a father to me, long story, and I've felt numb about it since we found out but don't know how to deal with the news. So I talk, and laugh, and offer hopeful thoughts but inside I'm panicking. And I know no one else knows how to react when I bring it up either, so I'm kind of alone with it.
My son gets teased at school. For being smart, for being odd, for being irritable (he hates the way the other kids act).
My phone rings too many times a day now and I just want to be left alone. Half the time it's my sons step-grandma...who wants to pump me for family gossip. And bitch at me about how badly her husband treats her regarding my son. He brags to her that my son is perfect and the rest of their grandkids aren't. What the hell am I supposed to do with that information? WHAT?! And it's a bridge I can't burn...because it would affect my child's relationship with his biological fathers side of the family. So I absorb it. I talk to my husband about it...which is my next worry.
My husband works his ass off...alongside people that treat him like dirt because he works harder then them and he's miserable there. He's been looking elsewhere...there's nothing. I'd like to work too but we can't seem to figure out something that would work that wouldn't detract from his hours. He needs to be able to get over-time...which means I need to be home to take care of the kids. We have no trusted help or baby sitters. We can't afford the daycare, I would need to make at least $13 per hour to offset that cost and there just isn't anything. I don't like to burden him too much because of his hard work...we do talk, all the time...and we know how strong we are. I just don't want him to worry about me because I know he will absorb too much of it. He needs more strength than me right now.
Our cars are both failing and need work. My daughter has serious allergies that are affecting her tonsils. Our washing machine is malfunctioning. Our fence just cost us a butt-load of money we thought we had but then all this stuff happens. Every single day I clean the same messes and no one helps out. I listen to everyone in the house to the best of my ability but I find lately that all my husband does is mumble about work, my son talks too fast for me to understand him half the time and my daughter speaks so quietly that I have to say 'what?' three times before I can hear her. Everybody shut up!--- right? Eating right, exercising, taking care of the kids and keeping the house maintained leaves me with almost zero me-time and by the time I do get some I have a headache or feel too guilty to do what I want instead of spending it with the kids and husband. I pass out too early at night. I wake up groggy and starving. I'm so so so tired of being hungry.
I feel like the people who I can normally lean on are all too busy with their own shit and it would be wrong of me to complain. Even complaining here seems wrong. I apologize to anyone that's even bothered to read this far. It's an exercise/diet website. I know. Maybe in two months I'll be able to read back over this and many of these things will have worked out in the end. I certainly hope so. When it rains it pours. Three people have said that to me lately. I laugh it off...but really, it's not funny. Not one bit.
I cried today for the first time in a long time. I hate crying. But I snapped at my daughter for being to lazy to get up and change her movie and for speaking too quietly that I couldn't hear her. I hardly ever snap at her during the day when my son is at school because she's such a good girl. I apologized to her but inside I feel like a big jerk. It's not her fault all of this is going on and it's not her place to absorb mommies stress.
Now after all that...I have to say that normally I'm pretty damn positive and happy. In fact most days I wish I could share my happiness with everyone. I'm not unhappy...even now, I'm thankful for everything. We own a great home, we come by honestly, we help others, we have close friends, we have a strong marriage, we care well for our children, we find joy in little things, we laugh everyday. It felt good to type that. And all the above. I'm dealing with too much and I'm keeping it to myself. My husband just called from work, he got poison ivy all over himself (great! lol)....told me and Claire to go get a cappucino and go summer shopping. I think I'll do that. He knows I have almost no summer tops that aren't huge because of my weight the last two summers. I think I'll hit the clearance racks and get two or three tops to tide me over. He also said to stop cleaning and that he'll help me tonight. Thank goodness! I think it's time to make a chore chart for the kids...they're definitely old enough to have daily responsibilities.
Tomorrow is another day. Specifically, a day at Grannies house...which means lots of coffee and talking and watching our dogs play. I'm going to look forward to that and keep taking it a day at a time. Wish me luck.
Diet Calendar Entries for 07 May 2013:
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1472 kcal
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Fat: 54.42g | Prot: 55.56g | Carb: 194.90g.
Breakfast: Strawberries, Chobani Nonfat Strawberry Greek Yogurt (Container), Bananas, Cream (Half & Half), Coffee, Splenda No Calorie Sweetener Packets, Splenda No Calorie Sweetener Packets, Coffee, Cream (Half & Half). Lunch: Lactaid 100% Lactose Free Reduced Fat Milk, General Mills Multigrain Cheerios, Chow Fun Noodles with Meat and Vegetables. Dinner: Kroger Garlic Texas Toast, Spaghetti/Marinara Pasta Sauce, Cheese Filled Ravioli. Snacks/Other: Lay's Salt & Vinegar Chips Potato Chips, Quaker Chewy 90 Calorie Lowfat Granola Bars - Peanut Butter, Polly-O 2% String Cheese. more...
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1672 kcal
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Activities & Exercise:
Housework - 1 hour, Shopping - 1 hour, Resting - 14 hours, Sleeping - 8 hours. more...
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