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It happened. I had my "moment". What am I talking about? That "moment" in fat people's lives when they realize that it has gone too far. I now know how badly I need to change my ways.
Here's what happened: I was out shopping today and I needed new jeans. It happens to be 40 degrees celcius at the moment, but whatever, I do need them. So anyway I was trying on some nice jeans that were size 46. That's European size - the conversion is 18:UK / 16:US. Well anyway, they didn't fit. Neither did the next size up. What size fit me, you ask? Size 50! That's 22:UK / 20:US! I have never been a size 50 before. But I am now. Size 50 isn't even baggy on me - it's perfect fit size 50!! Just looking at myself in the changing room mirror ... I looked so fat and so unhappy. And so UGLY! The worst part is: that wasn't even my "moment".
So I sighed a heavy sigh and went over to the till to purchase my new size 50 jeans. The cashier was blonde and skinny, wearing a tight blue dress. I hated her. I could feel her judging my size 50-ness. She lifted the jeans to fold them up for me and that's when it happened: The leg of the jeans was bigger than her entire body! I'm not even kidding! My thighs are probably heavier than that woman. I just looked at the scene play out before me. I have never hated myself more than that exact moment.
I took my size 50 jeans, paid the skinny bitch, and went to sit in a cafe. I had an ice tea and counted every calorie (72 kcal). I had a cigarette and pondered. I didn't cry, though I felt like it. This is what I thought about.
I am now a size 50. Most shops don't even stock size 50. This one just happened to. If I keep on like this, the next step is going into special shops that sell clothes for fat people. The outsizes. I don't think I could bear to see that day arrive. I don't want that to be my life. Dieting is hard, but are all my favourite foods worth me being so unhappy? The only reason I have always failed my diets is because I don't want to deprive myself of something yummy. But instead I'm depriving myself of being happy! I wish we lived in a world where beauty isn't a matter of size. But the world is vain, and so are we all, at least a little bit. I can't go on like this anymore.
So that's what happened. That was my "moment". And now I'm going on the crosstrainer.
** I managed 6min15 seconds. I'm such a fail. Are crosstrainers supposed to squeak?
Diet Calendar Entries for 12 July 2010:
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2411 kcal
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Fat: 120.50g | Prot: 141.92g | Carb: 189.47g.
Lunch: apple, water, bread, cheddar, spring onion, tuna. Dinner: water, apple tart, strawberries, rice, chicken coconut. Snacks/Other: chocolate orange, ice tea peach, water. more...
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3266 kcal
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Activities & Exercise:
Exercise machine (moderate) - 6 minutes, Shopping - 3 hours, Sitting - 3 hours, Resting - 7 hours and 54 minutes, Sleeping - 10 hours. more...
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 Comments
That made me sad.... I only was fitting tightly in a 14 before I had that moment. I hope you can accomplish all your dreams!
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When I first started this journey it was to loose weight to look good in my wedding gown. But at some point it stopped being about looking good, and became about feeling good. I may never be a size 6, but I know that being a size 20 doesn't look or feel good. But 22 pounds later I can walk a mile and not feel out of breathe. I can play with my neice and not have to take a break. I can sing and dance at a concert for 2 hours and not feel tired. The visual rewards and great--and the first time I got back into a pair of pants that didn't fit anymore I jumped for joy. But the physical ones are even better...Good Luck! I hope that your moment turns into the motivation you need to make yourself happy. Just make sure it's your version of happy and no on elses!
12 Jul 10 by member: nean_3782
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I was a 20 and 20 got tight. I really was a 22. Thats 22 US. I have a fair decent reason for my extra weight gain, I was immobile for half a year and stuck on my back eating whatever others fed me... but still, I could have ASKED for a salad instead of enjoying pizza after grilled cheese. You can too! Right now I am an 18, which is a size I'd been for a while before the extra gain but I'm headed toward 16, which, when I hit it, will be the thinnest I've been in almost a decade. I have faith I can and I'm excited about it.
I know what you meant abotu the "moment" though... for me it was ordering a bridesmaids dress for my best friend's wedding. I had to pay and extra $60 for size and then another $100 for alterations.
Although my wallet hates me for it, I may have to get it altered down one more time before the wedding. That sits fine with me.
Anyway... GOOD LUCK!
12 Jul 10 by member: barelyliterate
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You guys are a great inspiration :) - well done fore all your accomplishments. I'm only at the starting line, but I have never been more motivated to run the marathon!
12 Jul 10 by member: Nyika
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Sounds like you've taken that first step and you're ready to begin the journey. You're right, it will be a marathon with ups and downs, but let those jeans be your motivation.
You did 6 min 15 seconds of exercise - so the next time you're on there aim for a minute longer, really push yourself if you have to, but each time aim for another minute more. You can do it! You're not a failure at all.
Good luck - we're all rooting for you!
12 Jul 10 by member: OneMoreTry
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