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19 August 2016

I’m tired today. It’s cycle time and this is the point where the exhaustion kicks in. It’ll last for about three days, I think. But in the meantime, everything is a struggle to complete. I just did 20 mins of recumbent bike riding and it felt like an hour; not physically, just mentally. I loose my appetite around this time, too. Although, this morning I was a bit hungrier than usual which is why I ended up adding those tortilla chips to breakfast. I had to do some juggling and eliminate something and still I’m over by 27 cals. Okay, remember you’re not working on perfection. I just don’t want to bump up to 1400 cals.

I like this Fat Secret site. I can do allot of the same things that the others are doing with MY Fitness Pal. I’m sure they have other bells and whistles, but I just need the basics and mostly, I need it to work with JAWS. I’m sure there’s a way for JAWS to work with My Fitness Pal, but I have an older version and I don’t have the patience to figure it out for this version.

This exhaustion has me in a mental fog so I’m gonna have to work extra hard to concentrate and get more done today than I did yesterday. It started yesterday and I didn’t realize it.

I still need to get my scale working for next weeks challenge. I’ll have Richard weigh me so I can have something to compare my scale results to.

I’m reading this book called “Recovering Your Identity” about dealing with eating disorders. I’m the compulsive Overeater and the author’s
description is pretty accurate accept for why and how my anxiety manifests itself. He states that people with eating disorders are over acheivers and are anxious because they’re trying to please. Well part of that is right for me. I used to and sometimes still catch myself wanting to please. But most of my anxiety stems from dealing with the outside world and my blindness. I’ve given up trying to over achieve…hell..trying to achieve at all. When I was a kid in school, the powers that be stressed us out so much telling us that we had to be 150 percent at any and everything we did so we would fit in and be accepted by mainstream. But I did that for years and it didn’t work. They didn’t tell us that we would be resented for “being better than everyone else”. That’s actually how some one put it to me. That I was stuck up and trying to be better than everyone else. I was trying to be as good as and fit in…no go. So I give up on that. But for too long I went the opposite way and just didn’t give a d*^n and achieved nothing. Part of it was because I didn’t have any idea what I was supposed to be doing and after high school, they stopped telling me what I was supposed to be doing. So I did nothing. The author says that the key is to find my passion…I’m not sure if I have one or if I ever had one. He says we all do but it gets subverted by trying to please everyone else…parents, teachers, etc. that I believe. So now I have to figure out how to find this passion I’m supposed to have buried in me somewhere. Gonna need to pray on this one cause it’s buried deep. LOL!

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18 August 2016

Last night, I went to my first Bariatric pre-post op support group. Louise, the dietitian was the speaker. I’m glad I went. We almost didn’t make it because at the very last minute, Karen wanted to beg off because of the rain. Actually, it wasn’t the very last minute, it was about four hours away from the actual class. I have to admit I was upset because I had asked her two days ago to let me know if she were going because if she wasn’t then I could book Spectran. Since she said she would I didn’t book the ride. It’s hard depending on others during this time. Since I can’t drive myself at the drop of a hat, I have to plan ahead and last minute cancellations drive me crazy. She happily changed her mind. She realized it was an excuse she was using and that she needed to be at the class herself. I love my sister, but when she started this whole thing with Bariatric surgery six years ago, I kind of knew she really didn’t know what she was getting into. That’s why I was against it for so long, I think. Now here I am and I’m wondering if I really know what I’m getting into. I know allot about the behavioral changes because of wtching Karen go through it, but can I make these changes? Do I really want to? I know I desperately want to get off my meds and shake the diabetes and Gurds, but just how much do I want to make these drastic changes to my life.

Anyway, I’m glad we got to go because I learned a llot. There was a client who had had her surgery 8 years ago and she is doing fine and has kept her 100 lbs weight loss off all these years. She had the surgery I’m having the Ruin-y. She was very encouraging for me. Also Louise gave us a great idea for using our trackers. She said we should preplan the days food with the trackers. Now, I know about pre planning and writing out a menu, but I’ve balked at doing it because it just felt restricting to me. I don’t like being told what to do even if I’m the one doing the telling. But I sat down last night after looking at yesterday’s meals and realizing that I went way over my calorie allotment ; I planned out today’s menu and I was able to stay within the calorie limits. I mean I went over say about 16 cals, but nothing like yesterday. Now, let’s see if I can be a good girl and do what I’m instructing myself to do. So far, I’ve had one snack and breakfast. The snack was out of order, but I have to remember I’m not striving for perfection here. Besides, I was hungry before working out this morning and needed something. I just won’t be able to have that snack later is all. I should be fine. So today’s meals are all planned out and I don’t have to spend allot of time looking things up today…well, for today anyway. I’m gonna work on tomorrow! (smile)

Also, I’m going to attempt to work on the exercise section, today. I feel pretty good about this morning’s walking session. I did pretty good. I only stopped three times throughout the whole 30 mins and I wasn’t gasping and sucking air. I was able to hold a conversation through the entire walk. My hips and back hurt like hell, but that’s to be expected I think. I’m going to push for a new change during the walk, I’ve cut my time down from 30 mins to 28 so we’re going to push on and cross the intersection to the other side. I want to see how far I can go before giving out. Maybe I should just add five mins. Oh, and I have to remember to get my scale out and see what’s what with it. I need to get ready for the weigh in challenge up here or decide if I need to get out of it because of lack of a scale.

Now that I’ve thought about it a little, I think I am ready to make these changes. It’s going to be a little daunting , but what hasn’t been in my life. I always have to make some adjustments for my blindness. Now let’s make some adjustments for my good health. Yea for getting off insulin and blood pressure meds. Yea for no more glucose testing! Yea
for feeling better!

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17 August 2016

Weigh-in: 402.0 lb

lost so far: 0 lb

still to go: 22.0 lb

Diet followed N/A

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