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Weight History
showing entries 26 to 30 of 55
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02 August 2011
Weigh-in:
244.0 lb
lost so far:
16.0 lb
still to go:
84.0 lb
Diet followed reasonably well
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losing 7.0 lb a week
01 August 2011
This weekend kicked my butt. Between going out to dinner on Saturday, and the Linger Longer potluck at church, I was so much worse than I thought. How I ever managed to lose this last pound, I will never know. Maybe it was all the riding that I did this weekend. Hooray for crazy horses who need exercise!!!
I may actually be able to start a career in Equine Massage! I talked to a friend of mine from home who teaches certification, and she is willing to work with me! I'm so excited! Before I know it, I could be out of the sleep lab and into the barn, making my own hours and doing something that I know I'll love!
Life is good.
Weigh-in:
245.0 lb
lost so far:
15.0 lb
still to go:
85.0 lb
Diet followed poorly
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losing 2.3 lb a week
29 July 2011
Some days, I am so tired. I'm tired of thinking about what I eat, or how I should be exercising more. Will this ever get easier? Will I ever get to the point where I don't crave, covet, would kill for, chocolate? What about water? Will I ever get to the point where I actually like water? I miss caffeine free diet Coke. Don't talk to me about flavored waters, either. I can stand Propel to the point that it gives me a sore throat (about 3 bottles). After that, I am finished.
When did I become a compulsive eater? When did eating begin to hold more comfort for me than anything else? If I really want to get into that question, it's going to lead me into some dark places, so let's just leave that one for now.
I'm so angry with myself. Why did I let it get this bad? I used to be able to run a mile, at least. Now I can't even walk that without getting winded, and everything hurts. Rheumatoid arthritis has taken whatever energy I used to have, and pounded it into the dust. I am 29, and my ankles, knees, hips, back and hands crackle and pop like Rice Krispies. It's to the point that my last neurologist wanted to refer me to a neurosurgeon. I was sort of okay with this, until he mentioned pins and screws, a 65% success rate, and 6 months recovery, with a high likelihood that I would never walk again. Now... what part of that sounds beneficial???
So, here I am, struggling daily with food cravings, trying to keep my tenuous hold on the progress I am making. At this moment, it doesn't feel quite worth it. Please help.
(2 comments)
29 July 2011
Weigh-in:
246.0 lb
lost so far:
14.0 lb
still to go:
86.0 lb
Diet followed reasonably well
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losing 7.0 lb a week
28 July 2011
Does anyone else here hate therapy? It makes me feel narcissistic to sit there for an hour and talk about my anxiety and stress. Anyway, last night, my husband was off, so he asked if he could accompany me. I figured "Well, there's nothing I can't say in front of him, so why not?"
It was so awkward.
It's hard to hear that your husband thinks that you should just get over seventeen years of sexual, emotional and verbal abuse, and that he doesn't understand why you don't just stay in the present. I'M TRYING. THAT'S WHY I'M DOING THIS.
When I admitted that I am afraid to be thin, he looked at me as though I were crazy. I realize that it does indeed sound insane. It made sense in my head though, when I weighed 205 and got stuck there.
I don't revel in the fact that I have PTSD and depression. I don't use my mental illness as a crutch, and it doesn't make anything easier. I work two jobs, even on days when I don't feel like doing anything. Six years ago, I couldn't go two weeks without being sent to the hospital, and medication and shock therapy erased three years of my life and decimated my short-term memory. My parents were trying to decide who would take care of me when they passed away. I decided then that I would get better. I wanted more for myself, and I trusted that God would give me the strength to be well.
Now, I know myself well enough to realize when I am becoming ill. I am medication-free, and have been for over four years. I treat my horse time as time to decompress, and see a counselor on an as-needed basis. I can see the progress I have made thus far, but Chris didn't know me when I was so ill. He has never had to deal with the nightmares and delusions, the days when I refused to get out of bed and the nights when I couldn't sleep.
He wants me to be normal, and I'm really trying. It shouldn't feel this bad to fall just shy of perfectly okay.
(2 comments)
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