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03 February 2014

Karma...I just wrote a long journal and was questioning the purpose and content. It has disappeared perhaps saving me from a fait worse than death.
So--second week in a row of the five miles in a hour. Food intake still needs to up in regards to protein. I enojoyed the tips I received. I have been adding black beans to my salad. I am still at 170. Getting frustrated. I have been reading the tips on diet. I just really want to believe that this exercise will let me eat some fun food! But when! I may have to re-define fun food! My mom did not have to have more surgery on her toe/foot. Her doctor said she had a turn around and the healing process is getting better. What I am finding interesting in many areas of my life is that I am trying and yet I am still not really making a dent which leads me to believe the HOLE is quite large that I must dig from. I am making progress, but it is getting through that next ugly step. I am just not sure what that next step is. (pre-contemplation) I thought about thinking about losing wgt and getting my *$it together, (contemplation)I thought about losing wgt/getting healthy and getting my *$it together, (preparation) I thought of a way and planned to start on losing wgt, getting healthy and pulling my head out of my @$$, (action)I have gone to the gym, changed jobs, seperated from my lovely husband, went to the therapy, made a routine for my kids, blah, blah, (maintenance) keep doing it, (relapse)stopped doing it, (maintenance)went back to doing it and over and over and over again...so, I am stuck with what is the next step...I think I have to keep doing it until I reach the desired goal...maybe I don't have a desired goal. or the end goal is too far away and I don't have enough little goals. I get bored to freakin easy. Impulsive, impulsive, impulsive. I have been trying to accept boredom. Because it is a trigger. I am trying to sit in my boredom. It is pretty freakin hard. I fear I will be journalling more....yeegads! Is that a word?? Food is a word. Chocolate is another!

03 February 2014

Weigh-in: 170.0 lb lost so far: 10.0 lb still to go: 30.0 lb Diet followed reasonably well
   add comment steady weight

01 February 2014

fighting the boredom. at work. waiting for the next crisis (that's my job) and trying to keep myself entertained. have read. have written. have been friendly. all to avoid the vending machine. i did purchase a bag of peanut M&M's. now i have to stay clear for the rest of the night. i spoke to my mother and she is feeling better about surgery on monday. no speaka to the sisters today. they are interacting with my arch enemy which is fine. i chose not to engage. my quote of the day "let go the things in which you are in doubt for the things in which there is no doubt" ~Mohammed. i will work on that maybe by making a list on what i focus on and catergorizing doubt and no doubt. i am trying to focus on food. do i doubt the food or no doubt the food damn it! i may have to go run some stairs. i even brought stuff to keep me busy. if i make it through my shift i have some healthy chicken and vegtables to eat. it is cold and snowy out. i am light headed. my neck has been stiff most of today. nothing painful. mildly uncomfortable. all for now. cross your fingers i don't completely lose it for another two hours!

31 January 2014

Well, I seem to be paying more attention than I was to what I am eating. I have also been paying more attention to how far I am getting during my morning exercise. I can make it five miles in under an hour. I started walking 20 minutes a day three months ago. So, this progress I can get behind. I slammed myself into a size 8 petite jean, don't worry I didn't leave the house! Lower body coming along much better than upper body. I am very dense (body, not brain) so I try not to freak about the 170, but I know it is still not healthy. I did figure out though that I have been able to stay around 170 for a bit now. I started trying to lose wgt January of 2012. I did well until Dec of 2013 and I gain some back to around 187. Overall over the time frame I have stayed down and stayed in better shape than prior to 1/12. My goal was to lose 20, keep it off, lose another 20 and so on trying to keep in mind that I didn't put on this weight over night. Stressful marriage, two kids, $$$ and 14 years was my overnight. Today is progress and maintanence. During that time I ranged from 137 to 210. Watching my mom nearly lose her life to diabetes (and it's not over yet) makes my goal for something other than my jean size! She ignored every symtpom and every suggestion to change the way she was living. Monday she will have her fourth surgery since July '13 and the doctor is taking off more of her foot. Parts of her are better, but the damage was very much already done when she finally went to the emergency room. We are not the same person, but it's too close to home to ignore. I did find a buddy outside of my family to start running some 5K's with and a group of people to socialize that is helpful as well. Too many people expecting the same past results is less than helpful. I am exercising daily and watching mileage. I am weighing three times a week, which is up from once a week. The hardest part is avoiding bread!
Weigh-in: 170.0 lb lost so far: 10.0 lb still to go: 30.0 lb Diet followed reasonably well
   (2 comments) gaining 2.8 lb a week

26 January 2014

January 26th

I left work at 2:59 am and went home and ate. I had tuna pasta with cut up green olives and parmasean cheese (please don't break out the spelling police). I slept for maybe 4 hours. My hands were quite swollen when I got up. They are back down to size. I didn't make it up to work out as I had planned. I did make it Mass and instead of calling myself a failure I went to gym after Mass. My time was limited because of work. I was able to get in 2 miles on the eliptical before I had to go or be late. I did exercise everyday this week for about an hour eliptical and then walking. I really am not to do anything because of neck injury. I played some basketball and I was okay after. My oponent was a 9 year old. That probably helped. I am trying to weigh twice a week. I had been using the excuse that I didn't have access to a scale. Today I realized there is one in the locker room. We just hadn't met yet. I am inconsistent on the food journaling however I have noticed that I do eat more than I feel like I eat so journaling is working. Hence the I will start weighing myself. I am feeling pretty good. I am getting rid of some pants that I had been handing on to for comfort incase I balloon. I am making myself wear the right size. Very difficult. I am super tired of belly fat. It looks terrible in my pants. However, is working as a reminder that I am not done yet. I have gotten to this point several times. My body will fit into a 10 which seems like a good place, but I don't finish the job and make it look good in a 10. Or I use the size to justify the weight. Realistically 168 is still 168 no matter what size it is. For my height it is still medically unhealthy. I recently read that Perserverence means taking one more step. Since this is my typical stalemate...here goes nothing! (seriously, I feel naked without spell check!)
Weigh-in: 168.0 lb lost so far: 12.0 lb still to go: 28.0 lb Diet followed reasonably well
   add comment losing 1.0 lb a week

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