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I did it. I stepped on the scale. I told you I would, Friday or Saturday! I'm in a better position than I thought I would be. I really thought I probably weighed 200 lbs again (though I knew that couldn't be true because I could still wear my clothes ... lol). Of course I have been very much 'on track' since Monday and obviously it has paid off. Now ... to keep this going ... at a time when I have been feeling less than centered within myself.
I went to bed about 8:30 pm and didn't get out of bed until 7:00 am this morning!! Felt good. I did wake a couple times during the night with hot flashes but was able to get right back to sleep. I slept well the night before too ... although yesterday morning I wanted to stay in bed all day (though I dragged myself to work) and was feeling very, very down. So, two nights of decent sleep are good. Should help me cope with the day-to-day things we have been facing lately. Hopefully help me find my center and balance again.
Yesterday evening I was able to call my best friend and talk to her for a bit which also helped. The bottom line is there is nothing I can do to 'fix' this. There are valid reasons for Bob to feel angry, sad and also betrayed. Valid reasons that I am angry and sad. I can deal with my own feelings but I cannot work out Bob's. He has to do that for himself. I can love him, accept him, be supportive but I cannot do it for him. Of course I know that but still ... I wish I could do more. And ... it is hard for me when he is in that place. He isn't really 'here' in this moment when his energy is focused on anger and betrayal. And, of course, I worry about his health. He still has cancer. Our history tells me we'll get through this. Right now I will do the best I can to take care of myself and be supportive to him. I will be diligent to NOT take personally the reality that he is often unavailable emotionally to me. It is just for a time. He'll be back. He always is. I will find a way to grieve the loss of my FIL and deal with my own feelings of anger. I will not use this time as an excuse to overeat and punish myself. I have not done anything wrong. Feelings are just feelings. I do not need to eat to try to make them go away.
So ... that's right now. I have today and the next 3 days off work!! YEA. Will probably do laundry today. Today is lovely. Home all alone!!! I love that! Bob and I had talked earlier in the week about going out tomorrow night. Don't know if he'll be in the mood for it but we'll see. We have a couple of netflix movies here so we can also entertain ourselves at home.
Today I am grateful for ...
1. catching up all my paperwork and data entry at work for the deadline
2. two nights of decent sleep in a row
3. friends who remind me that I am still a good person, even if things in my life are a mess and I am not feeling positive and content
4. walking my dog ... I love taking walks with him, he is so goofy and makes me smile
5. my own father's death ... 20 years ago ... was so much easier to deal with, no drama, just the normal grieving process ...
And so I am off for another cup of coffee and whatever else I decide to do!! Probably laundry as I mentioned before, exercise, maybe some ironing if I feel really motivated, perhaps time to wash the kitchen floor ... LOL!!! ... we'll see how spunky and energetic I feel!!!
Thank you for encouraging me to vent. I don't know why I feel badly about it. I think mostly because I am embarrassed. This kind of drama is not who I am, nor who my family is. I feel like I have been dragged unwillingly onto the Jerry Springer show. You all are important to me. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you!!!
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182.6 lb
Lost so far: 76.6 lb.
Still to go: 0 lb.
Diet followed reasonably well.
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Diet Calendar Entries for 28 May 2010:
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1156 kcal
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Fat: 30.07g | Prot: 66.26g | Carb: 161.80g.
Breakfast: Franz whole wheat english muffin, butter, large egg, Jarlsberg Lite, water. Lunch: Whole Wheat Sandwich Thins, white turkey meat, Yoplait Yogurt Parfait. Dinner: Lean Cuisine French Bread Pizza. Snacks/Other: Blueberry Streusel Bread. more...
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2942 kcal
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Activities & Exercise:
Standing - 2 hours, Housework - 2 hours, Precor Elliptical - 42 minutes, Resting - 11 hours and 18 minutes, Sleeping - 8 hours. more...
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losing 4.7 lb a week
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 Comments
moose everyone is always here to listen- i am glad you realized not to be embarrassed;) glad you did well on the scale and that you are looking forward to a date night and long weekend. Make the weekend a good one and celebrate yourself!
28 May 10 by member: Baileyboo
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Oh ... by the way I changed my goal weight back down to 180. I had temporarily upped it to 185 just for psychological reasons. Eventually I hope to lower it more ... baby steps at a time.
28 May 10 by member: madaboutmoose
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I'm so glad to read you have gotten a couple good nights of sleep overall. You deserve it! And walks with your dog are such a great part of life. I love how happy mine get from the simplest things, like finding a good "sniffing" tree lol. :)
28 May 10 by member: Chris1979
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Hello Moose. I've been absent for awhile but just checked and saw what's been happening with you. I am so very sorry for your family's loss...you and Bob have my empathy, my sympathy, and my concern. Your fake MIL and her daughter have my disdain and utter contempt which I would take great pleasure in conveying to them. I believe I read somewhere that you'd like to see them get what they deserve (something like that)..Well, they are getting exactly what they deserve...each and every day they are sentenced to live with themselves!
28 May 10 by member: doit2it
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I was just suggesting a single visit to the estate attorney where you could describe the entire situation and get some very accurate information. Some of them may give you all you need for a nominal first visit fee of a few dollars. The going rate these days is probably around $250-$350 an hour and a single hour or less may be enough. There may be a technicality that is important to you. It's just something to consider, but you are the person to decide what the best approach is.
28 May 10 by member: information
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Awesome job on the weight loss! I have been reading your journals for the last few weeks and I am really struck by how similar we are. I too have an exceptionally "interesting" family situation. I admire you for sharing on here and I honestly wish I could do the same because it would do me a lot of good, I'm sure. Just as sharing feelings about my weight has really helped me overcome that issue. But I personally can't share anything about my family without making my journal private which I don't really want to do as I'm hoping to help as many people as I can with their weight loss. Because one of the issues with my family is that I have a particular person who is quite deluded and stalks me online. Anything I write will be held against me, so I have to just not write it. But anyway, about YOU. My boyfriend keeps telling me, and I am trying to listen, that I can't fix everything and I shouldn't feel guilty. It is not my responsibility to fix every broken situation, and in many cases I cannot. I find this very difficult to accept too. I always feel like there's something more I could do... maybe if I just tried harder... I mean, rationally I know I have tried very hard and have gone above and beyond what most people would do, but on the other hand, maybe if I had just done such-and-such... But it isn't true. But it's hard not to think it. Curious how the logical, rational part of my mind can't quite beat out the irrational part that makes me feel unnecessary guilt on this one. But it's getting better. For me, I had to completely separate myself from a particular person before I could move on at all and improve my own life. It was/is extremely difficult but I know it was the only thing I could do. Sometimes there isn't a great answer- only the least bad one. All you can do is your best and I think expressing your feelings about it is probably the most helpful thing. Oh, and if you did end up on the Jerry Springer show, I would probably be right there with you. Here's to better days ahead.
28 May 10 by member: k8yk
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Thanks k8yk!! My rational brain knows too ... it is one of those lifetime lessons I think. And I do know I'm not alone in this kind of drama ... it upsets me though that people are so awful to each other when there really isn't any reason to be. It is much easier to be kind and much more beneficial for ourselves and for others. Life is short enough and difficult enough as it is without stirring up crap. I appreciate your comment ... and here's to better days ahead for you too!!!
28 May 10 by member: madaboutmoose
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Carol you sound much better today and for that I am thankful. You are right you are both going through an emotional time right now and you are worried about him too. Things will work out. I know they will. You guys are strong. I am still praying for you both and I hope that you get to go out tomorrow as planned. It could be just what the doctor ordered. Take care and have a good night. Great news about the scale too.
28 May 10 by member: chattycathy1955
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As always, I'm so sorry that you and Bob are going through this, but I think its good for your to be able to get it out here. Hoping the best for you guys, and your always in my thoughts, even when I don't have the wise words to say to you. Have a great long weekend, and try and get some rest, mentally and physically! HUGS
28 May 10 by member: MomofTwoGirls
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I wish I could show a thumbs up on this thing for your weight loss. Awesome Moose! Am so glad you got some rest, and well-deserved I might add. I hope you and Bob still get to go out. It would probably do you both some good. Change of scenery, and don't talk about the fakers you have had to tolerate. Just you two be together and enjoy the company. Have another restful evening and if you get to go out, GOOD!! Talk to you later Moose. ((((((Hugs))))))
28 May 10 by member: The Next Number
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Love the gratitude list! No matter how bad things get, there's always SOMETHING to be greatful for. Just so you know, I'm glad to have a buddy like you. (((((hugs)))) Have a wonderful long weekend!
28 May 10 by member: amryk
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It does sound a little like the Jerry Springer show (lol), but not only for you. This is what this system does to all of us.
29 May 10 by member: information
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Glad to hear you are well rested and hope everything smooths out soon. {{hugs}}
29 May 10 by member: dawn0001
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I hope you are out with your hubby having a great evening. I had a margarita tonight and they floated pineapple rum on top. It was very good and I thought about you as I was drinking it.
30 May 10 by member: chattycathy1955
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Still not back eh? I'm glad you are getting the most out of the weekend then. :-)
30 May 10 by member: information
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