Cassie3488's Journal, 15 December 2011

I do not feel like weighing myself today too depressed to know and my mom is making me feel like shit before I even go to school about going to school and leaving her so that she cannot get a job to watch her 3 kids my 3 of 4 younger brothers when I not only need to go to school but have to in order to find a job because if I don't I will resent her more than I already do because I isolate myself enough from my friends and doing anything fun because I do not have a job even if I could get one before I go to school because she would make me pay her bills when I am not on the lease the bills I use are reasonable but I am not capable financially of paying all her bills if she lives off of child support and ssi til she gets a job on top of her credit cards I mean I cannot even apply for unemployment of get any health insurance because of not having enough experience with work history and that it would fuck up my financial aid with school and have to redo my fafsa for aid too but for medicad or health insurance between a job a no kid the main thing they want for women is they have to be pregnant to get any assistance like the girls on teen mom which is pathetic so even if I ended up in a homeless shetler with no way to get to school for spring semester since i do not have a permit or drivers license or car or anything that this what ever my mom thinks she is capable legally of doing since she thinks under her roof that i have no rights well we shall see because i am tired of both my parents making me feel like this and i should not have to call the suicide hotline just to talk to someone family should understand and let me talk instead of constantly critisizing me and making my depression and ptsd worse than what is already is i mean i feel like my mom is trying to deliberatly turn me into my abusive alcoholic father I know i am ashamed of the one time that i hit her but she does not have to keep throwing that in my face to deliberatly hurt me just because she assumes that i do not care i mean shit that was a few months ago and i am trying to control my anger and not bottle things up but not sure anymore how i can do that with how she and my brothers treat me I mean my 15 year old brother steals money and jewelery from me and is allowed to damage my things on top of that he calls me a child molester and a rapeist as well as a slut, whore, and cunt and just because i have a few weeks til i go to school idk how much more i can deal or put up with his and my moms shit since i do not have to deal with my dads drama anymore i am doing the best i can without having money to do it or insurance to cover thigns before i go to school and still it does not feel good enough to anyone in my family because they assume that i am not motivated to do anything well if i could trust my own brohters with my things in the house without stealing or breaking anything when my mom would be liable for my things whether she wants to believe it or not being in her house then idk how that is going to change just because i leave and she gets a job she makes excuses for these boys and i am the only one that gets in any trouble anymore since i moved back in with her they as in my brothers excluding the 5 year old because he is not much of an issue may get grounded but what good does grounding do if they damage the house when they do not get there way and she lets them do whatever they want they have walked all over her since they were old enough to walk and talk but after i leave its none of my business and i will be all alone just hope that i do not end up alone or worse dead at a young age for a heart attack or burst stomach because of my ulcers and the stress i live with til i finally leave for good.