jsfantome's Journal, 28 October 2011

Well, interestingly enough...one breakthrough leads to another! Had a wonderful chat w/ the hubby again last night. Had to thank him profusely for stepping up and making me such a lovely dinner, and it all came on the heels of YET ANOTHER incredibly stressful day...but this time no meltdowns, no tears, and no people piling their crap on me as if I had somehow let them down in it all.

We talked about expectations. All kinds. From us, our marriage, to our kids, our lives together, Christmas, Food, Exercise, activities, finances, etc...

It's a good thing to get on the same page once in awhile, and just touch base that we're not running frantically thru our weeks in the total opposite direction of each other.

Then he asked me about Myself. And as we talked - it became clearer to me, that I really do want to lose these last 10 lbs or so. I just think for me, my body shape, my frame, etc.. I would feel physically better. Emotionally, I would feel like I am looking my best, I am strong physically, I am getting fit and in shape, and I am truly energetic about my everyday life. It's not a vanity thing. And it's not a pride thing either. It's just a personal choice.

I am happy with who I am right now. I am considered by most measureable standards to be at a healthy weight. (but JUST barely.) And that is 'visable' to me. When I look in the mirror, I still see that little bit that can not be denied - is fat! I am a healthy / slightly fat person. Ok, only slightly. But still. Do I really want to accept that. No, I do not. I've come to far, worked too hard, and just am not willing to settle.

But then I have rarely ever been willing to settle. And my husband knows this. I will pursue, and pursue, and pursue something that I feel is to my personal benefit - until I feel I have gotten the full benefit of whatever it is for me. I will do the work. I will teach myself whatever I need to. Just like this whole journey of learning how to treat my body, how connected my emotional health was to my lethargic uncaring overeating habits, re-learning new habits, learning the details, and the intricate details of HOW to make this method work for me - so I could achieve results. I don't give up. I don't quit. It's not who I am.

So, as we talked he asked me... So, what do YOU want to do from here? How can YOU best make this last part of this weight loss effort - totally about YOU? And how do you transition from it being about 'losing' - to being about 'your new lifestyle' - for YOU?

One day at a time...I will work towards answering those questions. I'm not totally sure really. But right now, this day... I am choosing to love myself, honor my efforts, stay within my low carb way of eating, exercise today... and take some time this evening to appreciate my day's efforts! (regardless of whether they produce any result.) Because at a minimum... these efforts are making me healthy, and strong. My physical body endures alot from me - and my family. And it sustains me while I serve all the needs of those around me, including my own.

In the end - I told my husband how I really wanted to have a 'date night' this weekend... but was a bit worried that the lowered resistance from drinking, or a cheat meal, or a spike day, or the carb cravings for the next two days after... might just be too much for me right now. He laughed, winked at me...and said, "who needs to eat on date night?"

Hope you have a great Friday! Much Love.

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1262 kcal

Fat: 76.45g | Prot: 108.00g | Carb: 41.96g.   Breakfast: extra virgin olive oil (serv=1Tbsp), bacon (9AM), water (6-10 AM), hidden carbs, coffee (8oz) black, eggland's best eggs (9AM) (overeasy). Lunch: butter, Yam, whole green beans, boneless center cut pork. Dinner: Lite Chunky Blue Cheese Dressing, cheddar cheese, chicken gravy, cucumber, sea salted butter, fresh parm cheese (1 oz.), romaine, apple cider vinegar, water (4-6), broccoli spears, boneless chicken thighs. more...