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Dissappointed in myself. I celebrated 10 days of re-dedication by ruining the 10 days worth of work i did. I drank/ate off plan Friday and Saturday, and some of Sunday. 10 days of work shot down by 3 days of free eating. I don't know why I bother to make goals, since the second I reach them I sabotage myself. Next weigh in will probably be higher than the weight I recorded 4 days ago. Nobody to blame but myself. I'm my own worst enemy. Today I really hate myself.
On another note I'm having more disconnection with my clothing. I went thrifting Saturday. Brought back 2 pairs of pants. Did the wash Sunday and as I was folding the 2 new pairs of pants I looked down at them and my brain said "Boy those are look small, you're never going to fit into them you're too fat" Course that was crap, cause I just tried them on the day before and they fit beautifully. I don't know why my brain's self image is so different than reality. Course that disconnect has been there forever. When I was fat my brain told me I wasn't really fat, and now that I've lost weight my brain is trying to convince me that I am still fat. Seems my brain's self image never matches what I really look like.
Diet Calendar Entries for 26 September 2011:
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1169 kcal
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Fat: 72.67g | Prot: 85.37g | Carb: 47.33g.
Breakfast: splenda, half and half, coffee, dark chocolate royale shake, splenda, half and half, coffee. Lunch: Shredded 3 Cheese Blend, chicken Squash veggie soup. Dinner: american cheese, salami applegate farms, carb smart ice cream, butter, shrimp. Snacks/Other: snow peas trader joes, cauliflower, strawberries. more...
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2081 kcal
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Activities & Exercise:
Standing - 30 minutes, Swimming (moderate) - 30 minutes, Resting - 5 hours and 45 minutes, Sleeping - 8 hours, Driving - 30 minutes, Desk Work - 8 hours and 45 minutes. more...
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 Comments
Icy - Think you must have a split personality - there is a Fat Maiden and a Skinny Maiden living inside your brain. Put Fat Maiden in her place and let Skinny Maiden have her way - it is her time to live.
26 Sep 11 by member: BuffyBear
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"I don't know why I bother to make goals, since the second I reach them I sabotage myself." - The real question is... Why do you sabotage yourself ???
26 Sep 11 by member: jsfantome
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Oh, and Btw - this kind of self-loathing: Today I really hate myself.
- Will just get you FAT again! Cut the @%*# Batman... and let's talk about what is really going on w/ you... Why don't you see yourself as WORTHY?
26 Sep 11 by member: jsfantome
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Oh boy Js, you got a lifetime to listen to me tell you why I'm not worthy? I mean I'm pretty sure it started when I was born. Seriously, my 2 older sisters were kidnapped from my mother by the "sperm donor" and for the first 3 years of my life as my mother dressed me in their clothing all she did was cry. Every Day. I'm sure that had some sort of effect on me feeling I was never good enough. Let's add me being a perfectionist to that mix....Since there really is NO perfect, I'm set up to fail my own expectations on a daily basis as well. Me being "not good enough" has been a theme my whole life JS. I was never thin enough, never pretty enough, never rich enough, never fun enough....I pick friends who tend to use me for my genrous nature and the fact that I have a car/money/whatever when they don't. Like you (yes I've read your blogs) I've had several incidents of sexual abuse from as early as 7 years old up to when I was about 15. All of these things contributed to my mental state of "not good enough" I know I need help, but help costs money and I'm lucky I have just enough to get by (God forbid I have medical issues since I am uninsured)
26 Sep 11 by member: icymaiden
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You can't do this to yourself. Are you losing weight and working out because you don't feel worth it? At some time you must feel that you are because if you didn't you wouldn't be trying so hard. Regardless of what our past is, we're all not perfect. If you can't accept you for who you are then who will?
26 Sep 11 by member: davidsmom
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I starting this journey to lose weight because I was physically unhappy and uncomfortable at 200lbs. And seeing myself in pics and on video was horrifying. The weight gain/loss is just a symptom of other mental things wrong with me. By dieting and exercising I'm treating the symptoms but not the cause. Everyone mentions how determined I am, for me it's not determination, it's stubborness. But now that I've lost most of the weight, the issues that caused me to gain to begin with are still there...they haven't gone anywhere, they just were not as loud internally as the voice that was screaming at me "YOUR FAT"
26 Sep 11 by member: icymaiden
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I'm working out and focusing on diet probably to avoid thinking about the things that caused this unworthyness to begin with. But as I've lost weight the 'real issues" are started to be louder than the "you're fat" mantra that my brain was screaming at me. Probably why I'm sabotaging myself, to not deal with the source of the problem.
26 Sep 11 by member: icymaiden
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Icy - I love you! You're so close to breaking through all the crap... and getting to the heart of the matter. I am praying for you right now!!! I'm sorry you are in such emotional pain, and getting 'emotionally healthy' is your number one priority right now! Responded to you by PM - but I will say it again here... I love YOU! And you are WORTHY of being loved. And WORTHY of loving yourself!!! YOU can do this, girl! Yes you can...
26 Sep 11 by member: jsfantome
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