jerrymiller's Journal, 28 December 2015

Hey Jerry - over the hump of Xmas now - let's focus on the start of 2016 and get through one day, week etc at a time. I've just got back into being healthy and it's weird (in a good way) how when I started exercising again my body lost a lot of it's need/desire for the sweet stuff - the first three days where hard but once I got through those I found myself not wanting and actually being able to walk past them with ease when I went to the shop for milk and other groceries. The exercise clears my mind and makes me feel good! Any time I feel a bout of "bad feeling" I go for a walk, or bike ride - if I just sit and think about it it makes it worse. I'm getting hooked back on exercise! I look for errands I need to to and look forward to the walk or ride (instead of driving). I keep my gym work outs to 20-30mins but I do intense weight training (with light weights and proper body form) - this really gives me a super natural high! I walk out of the gym feeling alive and wonder why I have waited so long to get back into fitness like I was when I was 20 years old. (Now 47). Forgive the rant - it just flowed as I started writing here.  

I agree stay focused and positive:-) 

Jerry, I understand feeling sad during the holidays. I lost my parents 2 years apart on january 2. It's been 9 years since my dad passed and still seems like yesterday... Also had a close cousin take her life last year right before christmas. So while everyone seems happy and carefree during the holidays I feel like crap. And even tho I'm married it can be a lonely time when your "anchor" is gone. May I suggest for the new year, really thinking about what you want to accomplish. Where do you want to be, what do you want to have? And then, how to get there. I isolated myself for a long time so I started with baby steps putting myself out there. Talking to people, trying new things. You might be surprised how making small changes and taking small risks can reap large benefits! I will be thinking of you.... 

hang in Jerry..... this too will pass.... it is really hard on folks this time of year but you have done so well....now get a grip and find something to do.......I do not want to hear.... things are getting you down... cause you have and can do this...........so proud of what you have done.... so.... keep it up....How I wish I could be there to help you in some way... so just know... I am with you in sprit....and thinking of you often.... 

Being single and alone forces you to concentrate on yourself, which is good. Having a leg that's holding you back, not so good. I'm the primary caregiver for my three year old so I find myself alone with her for hours on end, never a dull moment, but there are times when she wants her own time and space so I'm stuck surfing channels or websites while she plays with her V-Tech Innotab Max. I've taken to utilizing the unlimited long distance I subscribe to on my phone and calling relatives or looking up old friends for a nice chat, but the last couple of months I've been calling different government agencies with questions. For example, yesterday I called the Texas Department of Agriculture and inquired about where I could find a list of pepper producers in the state of Texas, what varieties they produce, and how many I would have to buy in bulk to deal directly with a producer. I got a lot of fascinating information, several referrals, and wishes of a Happy New Year. Last week I talked to the Texas Department of Licensing and Regulation and the Texas Department of Health and Human Services about regulations and licenses as it pertains to opening a weight-loss consulting business, again, lots of fascinating and useful information. I could go on, but you get the point. Take advantage of the downtime while you have it and turn a negative into a positive, you kicked the weight to the curb and you can do it with the blahs, too!  

I was cutting ball patches for my flintlock last night while watching a documentary on WWI..I hadn't been shooting in over 4 years (do to my situation) because when I tried with the local club I couldn't do trail walk (a trail you hike and stop at different stations, shoot and move to the next)because it hurt to much. Now I dug everything out, dusted it off, inventoried what I needed and talked my neighbor come out and I'll teach how to fire an old smoke pole... I didn't even notice the time and being alone... 

That's awesome, Jerrymiller, and that sounds like a lot of fun. I really miss the solitude I had before I got married and we had a child, but I wouldn't trade my family for anything. Just keep that outgoing mentality and pursue your interests, my friend, there's a great big world out there that won't let you have time to feel lonely, you just have to engage it!  

Mr Miller, I know a bit of what you are going through. Jan 5 is the anniversary of my beloved younger brother's death from AIDS at age 35 in 1990; Jan. 27th is the anniversary of my partner Stuart's suicide in 1988. December and January are particularly stimulating to my compulsive eating disorder. I have to be reminded constantly that (1) feeling my feelings won't kill me; and (2) writing, drawing, and/or sharing my feelings can help me step back from them enough to start softening around them. What I can tell you is that, over time, and with proper self-care, the grief becomes part of the landscape of the inner self, like the eroded hills of Appalachia.  

please, no 'Mr Miller'...I'm just jerry, your typical cube dwelling, mouse jockey "nerd before nerds where rich and just bullied by jocks" kind of guy... Sound likes you've really had a rough time, I reverently bow to how you've managed...  

Okay Jerry your hurting and your voicing out. I hear you! I have lost both my parents and the holidays hurt a lot because you feel like an orphan in some way or another, but you are not . Your mother gave you the greatest gift her LOVE and that will be with you for years to come. Your dad is still here so spend time with him now and enjoy his company. Think about him and his fears right now. Sitting at home all lone right now is a choice and a choice you have made. You made a choice to join the FAT SECRET family and that is what I like to call this group of people sharing on this website. We all here for you! Some of us are brave enough to comment and let you know that other will just click support and that counts because they heard you. Okay you don't like Christmas specials, Christmas movies, Christmas Music. Could be that right now all those things remind you of your MOM and the fact she has gone. Have some faith in yourself right now. Work on making Jerry healthier and happier. 2016 is just a few days away now and you have been hurting for the last two years. How many more years are you going to hurt? Get out of the house take a walk and while you are walking look around take in the beauty that you rarely notice. (Close your eyes breath in deep and what do you notice, notice the flowers,trees, birds all of which have no idea how they survive another day, but they do and they exist. You can survive this and food is not the answer to what your heart truly needs.) I just want to give you a great big hug and hold you right now. Could you accept a hug from a total stranger. If the answer is yes! Then you made a positive choice today to change for the better. You are in the middle of a transition from being someones son to being your authentic self. (Remember you will always be a son to them). "BE THE CHANGE YOU WISH TO SEE IN THIS WORLD" -Gandhi 

I battle this myself. I have started volunteering. Nursing homes, soup kitchens. It has blessed me in countless ways and makes it so much more bearable. I think you need to be thankful that you have/had 2 wonderful parents. Both would expect you to get off your butt and get back in the game of life. Get out there, try things, find what works for you. The first step is always the hardest. Put the self pity away, it will only prevent your progress. I don't mean to sound mean or cruel. A close friend told me exactly what I am telling you. I took her advice and it has made all the difference. Best of luck.  

ny-thank you for that! I needed to "hear" it also. My Dad would be sooo pi--ed to know I was using him as an excuse to have gained so much weight! Grieve yes, but live our own lives, that's what we need to do. I have put stepping outside myself and volunteering this year on MY list! We all need a good butt kicking now and again, not mean or cruel. Thank YOU! 

To everyone responding to Jerry today! Excellent he needs to hear these comments. Keep flooding him with positive comments and support he needs to hear this now more than ever. He has support with all us and no matter how bitter and biting his words are he does have a heart and he's just voicing out right now. FAT SECRET family Jerry needs your HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

Just hang in Jerry and remember one day at a time one step at a time it seems hard now but because you have enough strength to Wright about it we have enough strength to survive it 

Not so much self-pity, but waves of grief seem to suddenly surge over me. Add in frustration, physical pain, stress (especially if you've following my entries over the last year) and you get the idea. So called 'comfort food' and those seasonal treats everyone shoves at you this time of year is an 'easy out'. Witch is what I did for years (and watched the pounds build too) but things escalated these last 5 years as the aggreget stress (emotional, physical, familial and social) just piled up and so did the weight to where it was causing health, work and social problems. honestly I'm surprised I hadn't had a heart attack or stroke by now...  

get out of the house. Go to the library and read, play on the computer there if nothing else. Force yourself to get out everyday even if it is just to go to the mailbox. Do one positive thing for yourself and someone else everyday. Reach out. I learned the hard way thru stubbornness and pride, that people will always help, you just have to ask. Forward. Always forward.  

^this. Dare I say get involved in church.<coughCatholicCoughcough ahem> 

Oh. And maybe you should get your leg looked at again. I went to look at past logs to see what was up. You are worth it. Don't want to go around with it infected. Try to replace the comfort/ mind numbing activity of eating with drinking water. You can do it. 

...catholic? I went to Catholic high school (run by the La Salle's) even though I'm not technically "catholic"..I'm no expert theologian, but I knew more about the history and various orders than a co-worker friend of mine WHO IS! (boy, did we have some lively lunch time debates over philosophical differences once upon a time too). Last year I helped out at the elks lodge for thanksgiving, am a moose now, but when I asked the had all the volunteer staff set up (I asked too late to get in on it...)