Snowwhite100's Journal, 14 December 2023

I'll record a Journal entry since there are a couple of people here on FS that worry about me when I don't. I'm still here but this has been a hard month for me mentally and emotionally, which of course affects us physically, including our eating. When I wrote three weeks ago our heater was out and I was having shooting pains in my back. The good news is #1. My husband has not hit me again in the last 4 months since that terrible incident in August. #2. After 4 weeks of no heat in our house, we now have a new furnace. And #3. My back, though painful when doing anything for more than a few minutes is not having those terrible shooting pains. Although I am very grateful to the Lord for having a dry roof over my head, a warm place to sleep, all the food I want, and nobody is shooting at us (yet) I spent most of the last month pretty depressed, which I must admit has caused me to lose control of much of my eating. The only redeeming thing in that department is that I almost always intermittently fast for about 16 hours a day. It does help keep the calories down, but I do it as much for my brain as for not gaining weight. I haven't weighed myself for about 3 days not even wanting to know the truth, but last time was less than an additional pound up since the last time I reported my gaining streak of about 3 pounds. I partake in a dessert nearly every day, wine almost every day while preparing dinner, and even some bread products. Being depressed and putting up with my husband's "antics" I consider them treats to comfort myself but we all know where that leads: to more and more. I realize and acknowledge I am living a difficult life that I am choosing so it is entirely understandable that I splurge for those comforts. But like nearly everyone else I am discomforted when I am gaining weight. It's a pity all those smaller clothes are just there waiting for me to exercise more discipline. I am definitely not suicidal because I want to go to Heaven more than anything. But I admit to last week having my first crying jag in years. And if I knew 100% that I would go straight to Heaven if I committed suicide I "would" do it, because of my husband's threats and abuse. I still do not want to leave, and there is nowhere I want to go. Yes, I am afraid, but not enough to want to leave him. The Lord is so gracious to me, to sustain me, and I am grateful. I praise Him continually. And resist Satan...