Cheeks's Journal, 22 September 2008

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Self Sabotage…why do we do it? Weekends are a killer for me for some reason. I am able to be good during the week…plan plan plan…and have good intentions for the weekend. Then, the weekend comes, and its like I throw away all the rules to weight watchers, and eat what I want. This weekend we had dinner out for two nights in a row with friends. I definitely could have made better choices, but I think there will always be that part of me that says, no way, I want to eat what I want, don't "tell" me what I can't eat, and I'll be fine! Well…its not fine. I weighed myself Saturday morning, and I saw 166.4….a whole pound less than last week (yaaaay)….then…after my horrible eating weekend…I am at 167.5! (boooo) =(

I know what I did wrong and know how I can fix it, but I'm tired of playing catch-up! I need to somehow figure out why I constantly do this over and over and over again to myself. You would think that feeling better in clothes would make it so I wouldn't do this to myself. Maybe its because it just plain pisses me off that I can't just eat whatever I want, whenever I want to eat. That I will have to watch what I eat for the rest of my life, because that’s the type of body I have. Frustrating.

I've been on a diet rollercoaster ride ever since I can remember…and its always typical…I get down to my goal weight, feel great, think that I will never do this again…and then before I realize it, I'm back up to a 12, 14, 16 again. This is the first time that I've actually started this process when I have 17 pounds left to loose, but still…its happening. I NEED to reel myself back in, regain focus, so I can say no on the weekends. I really need to start thinking about this now, otherwise I will end up right back where I started again…and even heavier…as each year its gets worse.

On the emotional side, yesterday my parents ended up finally admitting to each other that they want a divorce. So now they are going to go through that whole process. I'm hoping they will be able to keep it amicable, especially after 43 years of marriage, but we shall see…lots of hurt feelings going on there. I'm just glad a decision was finally made, and now they came move forward in some direction, instead of staying in limbo.

I've also been experiencing awful hot flashes this month…which I'm learning seems to directly connect with Aunt Flo…because I still haven't gotten her yet…which is what I need for the next donor cycle. Sigh….waiting again. (and nope….not prego…because I took that test as soon as I was late).

Other than the awful weekend eating and emotions and hot flashes, my weekend was great. We went out with the honeymooners from the most recent wedding we went to, then on Saturday I had an old friend that I haven't seen in ages came over for dinner. She wasn't able to make it to our wedding, so this was also the first time she got to meet my husband too. We laughed so hard, my face was killing me! Hubby and I went to Ikea yesterday to have our coach cushion replaced, and purchased a long TV "stand" (can't think of what else to call it), that goes down below the TV…but the TV is mounted to the wall, so it doesn't really touch it. Our home really feels like its coming together, and looks great! We have been spending a lot of time on it, and its paying off. =)

Hope everyone's weekend was relaxing…and here's to being FOCUSed today! =)

Diet Calendar Entry for 22 September 2008:

1340 kcal

Fat: 33.33g | Prot: 77.07g | Carb: 214.08g. Breakfast: Fiber One, strawberries, Weight Watchers Yogurt. Lunch: swedish meatballs. Dinner: 2% american cheese, lavash, chicken sausage. Snacks/Other: giant bar, Gerb's, apple, watermelon. more...

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i think we get content with where we are and the compliments help us stay there...so it is easy to think...hey i look good so if i have "this" it wont matter...good job figuring it out...have a great day

22 Sep 08 by member: veggies yuk

I can totally relate to the wknd free-fall... of being mindful all week about eating and then feeling like I deserve to do what I want come sat/sun. It is so hard. But you have been doing AWESOME at the long journey of weight loss - I wish it was as easy as just "being good" for a few months and then having the weight stay off - but unfortunately wight loss is the culmlative efforts of our every day decisions. I guess the trick is to just try and make as many effective food/exercise decisions as we can and just have an acceptance of about the realities of life and being human. I wish I had it figured out, but I don't. Sorry to hear about your parent's divorce and hot flashes. You have a tremendous amount of emotional stuff going on right now. REMEMBER TO BREATHE and be kind to yourself!

22 Sep 08 by member: balance

I can relate also, cheeks. I've avoided weekend weigh ins b/c more often than not, I get disappointed. Weighing during the week or the morning of when all the festivities begin (i.e. Thurs or Fri) seems to show a more realistic number. How do your clothes feel? If the feel the same, I wouldn't put too much thought into your most recent weight. I seem to gain a lot (up to 2 lbs after a night or two of drinking & eating) but seem to go back down a few days later. Sorry to hear about your parent's divorce and hot flashes. I tend to binge eat whenever something emotional is going on in my life. Instead of dealing w/emotions & feelings and sharing it w/hubby or close friend/family member, I 'stuff' down emotions w/food so it doesn't have to be delt with. Be good to yourself, Cheeks. It's only a small blip in the whole sceme of things. You are NOT a failure. Only failures fail to get back on the horse. You can do it!

22 Sep 08 by member: JulieC

Weekends are tough for me as well. Self sabotage is a great way to describe it. You are going through some really stressfull times, and it's easy to see why weekends are hard for you. It's like your only down time. If you can call it down time. You are just as busy on the weekends. But, the good thing is that you know what is going on and now you know what you have to do. That's like half the battle. The rest is doing it. But, I'm sure you will. You are a very strong person and with your hubby's help, (and us here at FS) you will do great. ***Huggs to you!!!*** You are in my thoughts and prayers! Your Pal, Julie ;-)

22 Sep 08 by member: Albright777

I'm right along with you. So strange how it's been with me... I'm doing worse now that my personal things are getting back in order! And I totally agree that it sucks that we can't just eat whatever we want :(.... For me, it's my inability to STOP when I should! Keep breathing and don't get too down on yourself. You'll be fine. Sorry about your parents, but you're right... at least a decision has been made. Take some deep breaths and have a good week...

23 Sep 08 by member: katrinat

I was just saying similar things myself... I feel like I need to go back to basics again and I feel as though I am drifting away. I began recording food here again. I had gotten away from that a bit. Sometimes if I get my WW materials out and review them that helps.

23 Sep 08 by member: chefchristabug


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Cheeks's Journal, 22 September 2008

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