odyssey's Journal, 17 September 2010

This started out as a response to some comments in my last journal entry but it grew too long and went sort of off on a tangent so I'm entering it here.

I know with every fiber in me that God can and does work miracles every day. Those of us who are mothers know, though, that when it comes to our children, it is heart-wrenching to see things happening, to see things our hearts know are wrong or hurtful, and not have the immediate ability to 'fix it' for them, to snatch their hand away from the flame or catch the bicycle before it falls. I remind myself that the love I have for my son is only eclipsed by the love God has for His children and I know that He will deliver us in His time and according to His plan. .. I'm just not always so patient .. especially when I feel time slipping through my fingers.

I'd had my head in the sand from the time my ex left 3 years ago, totally oblivious to what I was doing to myself and what was going on around me. God woke me up a few months ago and since then, I've personally become better but I sorely miss these years I let depression eat away. And now - it is like those commercials where the person is moving very slowly and everything and everyone around them is moving quickly, so, this week anyway, that's how I'm feeling. I know I will get through it and maybe it will push me to do more through the pain I have. Before, depression had me almost totally oblivious to my surroundings and the part that wasn't oblivious was in denial. Now, I am pretty much fully awake, so I know just how bad the surroundings and the problems are, but I'm not yet well enough to fix them, change them, and I won't be until I am further along in fixing myself. And it's hard - very hard, and overwhelming, and frustrating - to finally be aware of the "fire", and to feel the urgency, yet, because of your health, and weight, and pain, unable to put that fire out .. yet. And that is why I am wrongly impatient, waiting on my miracle. Since I cannot see the future, I cannot know how much damage will be done by that fire before I am able to put it out. I have to trust God though and have faith that He knows and that He'd not let us burn down. It's actually comforting to write that. God does know and God loves us. So, there's nothing to fear.

Thank y'all because if I had not begun to respond to your kind words in my last entry, I would not have gotten that last epiphany, at least not as quickly :)

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2166 kcal

Fat: 130.00g | Prot: 147.00g | Carb: 82.60g.   Breakfast: folgers coffee, Ultra-Pasteurized Heavy Whipping Cream, splenda. Lunch: kroger carbmaster blackberry yogurt, Kroger Carbmaster Peach yogurt. Dinner: barbeque. Snacks/Other: Breyers Carbsmart Almond Bar. more...

5525 kcal

Activities & Exercise: Resting - 16 hours, Sleeping - 8 hours. more...