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26 September 2010

23 September 2010

20 September 2010

Went to my Pain Management doctor late this afternoon. They have a scale that weighs up to 500 but it is really wonky because it weighs me different depending on how I am standing on it. Both times I tried it, I felt I was standing right on it but the first time it weighed me in at 463.75. I tried again after I had my appointment and it weighed me in at 472. I don't know which one is more accurate so I put the higher weight. I weighed at least 500 when I started eating this way again almost two months ago and may well have weighed more. Anyway, maybe I will be able to get out again presentably well enough to go to the emergency room here in town and ask them if they would let me weigh on their digital scale in the triage room. Maybe they will. I'd like to know what I actually weigh, if it is closer to 463 or 472 :).
Weigh-in: 472.0 lb lost so far: 28.0 lb still to go: 123.0 lb Diet followed reasonably well
   (6 comments) on diet odyssey's controlled carb life   losing 21.8 lb a week

17 September 2010

This started out as a response to some comments in my last journal entry but it grew too long and went sort of off on a tangent so I'm entering it here.

I know with every fiber in me that God can and does work miracles every day. Those of us who are mothers know, though, that when it comes to our children, it is heart-wrenching to see things happening, to see things our hearts know are wrong or hurtful, and not have the immediate ability to 'fix it' for them, to snatch their hand away from the flame or catch the bicycle before it falls. I remind myself that the love I have for my son is only eclipsed by the love God has for His children and I know that He will deliver us in His time and according to His plan. .. I'm just not always so patient .. especially when I feel time slipping through my fingers.

I'd had my head in the sand from the time my ex left 3 years ago, totally oblivious to what I was doing to myself and what was going on around me. God woke me up a few months ago and since then, I've personally become better but I sorely miss these years I let depression eat away. And now - it is like those commercials where the person is moving very slowly and everything and everyone around them is moving quickly, so, this week anyway, that's how I'm feeling. I know I will get through it and maybe it will push me to do more through the pain I have. Before, depression had me almost totally oblivious to my surroundings and the part that wasn't oblivious was in denial. Now, I am pretty much fully awake, so I know just how bad the surroundings and the problems are, but I'm not yet well enough to fix them, change them, and I won't be until I am further along in fixing myself. And it's hard - very hard, and overwhelming, and frustrating - to finally be aware of the "fire", and to feel the urgency, yet, because of your health, and weight, and pain, unable to put that fire out .. yet. And that is why I am wrongly impatient, waiting on my miracle. Since I cannot see the future, I cannot know how much damage will be done by that fire before I am able to put it out. I have to trust God though and have faith that He knows and that He'd not let us burn down. It's actually comforting to write that. God does know and God loves us. So, there's nothing to fear.

Thank y'all because if I had not begun to respond to your kind words in my last entry, I would not have gotten that last epiphany, at least not as quickly :)

16 September 2010

I feel smothered, cornered, impotent, frustrated. I just play at being mature. I'm forty-two and feel like a lost little
girl inside, one no one ever bothered looking for, much less saving. Being disabled, being overwhelmed, being poor, being
dependent on another who cares little or nothing about your opinions, thoughts, feelings is demoralizing, draining, so
frustrating. I'm so sad. I know exactly what I need to get out of this situation and no way to get it.

We've done without for so long. I'm up nights worrying how my son is going to get long pants and long sleeved shirts
for the fall and winter. I'm so angry and disappointed and frustrated with my mother I could literally spontaneously
combust from the chest/stomach outward from the well of frustration and heat I feel there when I think of what
she does. I have mostly forgiven her for the way she raised me(and my uncle). I've often chocked it up to how badly I
feel for her for all of the pain she went through when she was younger and when I was a baby. I've given her the
benefit of the doubt because of her losses and because she didn't know any better when I was growing up and maybe by the time she realized what she was doing to me it was too late to change.

But .. now .. she knows, truly KNOWS how bad certain things are for my son and ****** she will NOT stop giving them
to him. And because I am disabled and overwhelmed and poor and dependent on her help because of the condition of
part of this house, I cannot cut him off from being at her house. How can someone who loves a person so much,
consciously make decisions about his life that will make his whole life so much harder for him!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I need money. I need money to get out of this horrid horrid house and into a home where my son can have a real bath
and his own room and walk around bare foot anywhere in it and have a nice place to play. I need money to get this
awful house clean and give it back to the landlords. I need money to get clothing for my son. I need money so I can
have more than the two shirts and two pairs of pants I can wear. I need money so I can have a pair of sneakers - the
only shoes I have to wear out are a pair of poolside-type slip-on sandals.

I've called vocational rehab and asked them to help me get work from home since there is no way I could work outside
the home now. They said if I went back to work I would lose my medicaid and I am on eleven different medications
and would have no way of affording them if I did not have medicaid.

I'm ready for my miracle. I think it will have to be money. I can't see a way around that. But whatever God has planned for me, I pray for my son's sake it is soon in our time. It tears me apart that he doesn't have the life he deserves.

Other Related Links


odyssey's weight history